Am I Gay?

     It has been a year since I choose to "Come out of the closet", so to speak, with my Blog and support group called JADE.  It has been a wonderful year and, oh my, how much I have learned.  I have to come to understand myself more and realized some things about myself that I didn't know.  This past year I have developed some amazing friendships that I am certain will last forever.   And, yes, these friendships are with men.  

    One of the interesting side effects of “coming out” and making a stand about the importance of "healthy male relationships", is that many of the first responses my wife and I have received is that I must be gay.  In fact, many have stated that they always new I was gay.  It totally amazes me how quickly we are to judge without knowing the truth.   One of the main reasons I have decided to open up is to fight the judgments many have about male relationships, by telling the truth about them.

    So, the question of the day is "Am I Gay"?   Years ago as a young man, I was confronted head on with that question.   From family that could not understand me, to a small-town attitude about “girly-boys”, it was a constant part of my life.  One word that I hate is “faggot” - the most used nickname for me in the small town where I grew up.  I was told so often that I was a faggot or gay that I sometimes wondered if I was.  I did like so-called girly things.  I played with dolls, liked to dress up, wrote poems, planted flowers, hated sports, and loved cleaning house.  So by all appearances, I was gay.  Can you imagine the personal struggle?  Well, I decided long ago that I was not gay; meaning, I had no desire to have a sexual relationship with another man.   I have never had that desire and still don't.  But, let me clarify something.  I do enjoy a great, emotional, healthy relationship with other men.  

    Yes, I am effeminate.  Yes, I cry at chick-flicks.  Yes, I love to bake, and write, and even dress flamboyant from time to time.  I don’t enjoy sports, hunting, and other manly things.  So, if you look at it like that, I must be gay.  All of you who thought so, congratulations!  You are right.  I am gay.  But, if you look at what the real meaning of “gay” is, I am not gay.  To me, the real definition of a gay man is one who desires a sexual relationship with another man and acts out on that desire.  So, by that definition, so sorry, I am not gay.  

    I do not desire and have never had the desire to have a sexual relationship with another man.  At the same time, I do desire to have deep, meaningful, healthy relationships with many, wonderful men who have the same values I have.  To me, a healthy relationship with another man i has four aspects: spiritual, emotional, social, and physical.  

     A spiritual connection means that we are on the same page.  I am a follower of Jesus Christ and live by His teachings.   He has taught that we can love another man deeply and completely without having a sexual relationship.  In fact, I strongly believe that when we establish relationships on principles of true, Christ-like love, there is eternal increase - meaning that friendship develops and becomes deeper and sweeter as time goes by.

     An emotional connection means that we are able to meet one another’s emotional needs.  A healthy emotional relationship is one that builds and lifts, offers positive support, values who we are, and helps up become the best we can become. Men need the emotional support of other men.  Men are men, and pretty much think alike, and have the need to share this life-experience together.  The right emotional support can lift and help us through this life’s challenges.  

     A social connection means sharing healthy life activities together.  It can be anything from sports to cooking, or just hanging out doing positive things.  We are social people and we crave the social interaction with others.  When we interact socially, we learn and grow and become the men God intended us to become.  Men need strong social relationships with other men.  

     A physical connection means sharing a strong, physical bond.  When I say, “physical connection”, I do not mean sex.  Men, some more than others, need a healthy, physical relationship with other men; from working side-by-side, to pats on the back, and good healthy hugs.  I believe that when we hug, our spirits can communicate, and we can become closer.  In todays world they teach us that physical bonding must include sex.  I totally disagree.  I believe that men need healthy contact with other men.  

     Think what you will, but I strongly believe in healthy male relationships.  I strongly believe that, next to the relationship I have with my wife and family, the most important relationships I can have are the ones I have with other men.  Those close spiritual, emotional, social, and physical relationships that I enjoy have brought me peace and comfort, and have taught me to be more Christ like in my association with others.  

   You may still think I am gay, but truth be told, I am really just a big, tenderhearted man that loves everyone and has no problem  expressing it by word or deed.

Brad

Become a member,(on the side panel) and recieve notice when we post a new blog entry. You can also respond, comment or ask for informations about our JADE group by using the link on the top of the side panel.  Thank you. 

Guard Your Heart

      I have been thinking a lot lately about friendships and relationships.  I have decided that they can be hard and complicated.  I have started to kind of understand how we limit ourselves and build up walls to protect our hearts.  When I say limit ourselves, I mean that we limit who, when, and how many people we invite into our sacred heart corridors.   We have become overly protective of that sacred realm, which we guard with walls that often times are impossible to penetrate.  

    One of the main reasons we guard our hearts is for fear of being hurt or rejected by those we choose to let in.  So, to avoid any hurt, we just close the door tight and build up walls that even the most gifted wall climber could not scale.

     I have thought often that our society has trained us to not freely give out space in our hearts, and we have been taught not to let our guards down.  Some common mistruths that exist today in our society are as follows.

     We only have limited amount of room in our hearts.

     We cannot love everyone.

     It's not right to love someone that much.

     How can the same gender love that deeply without sex?

     If you have one best friend, you're lucky.

     You will get hurt for sure.

     There are limits on how many or how much you can love.

      Love hurts.     

     The list can go on and on.  You get the point.  We are surround by a society that dictates just how much we can love and how to love.  In our society today, we are a very self-centered people. Our only concern is, "What‘s in it for me?"  If there is a chance that we might get hurt or disappointed, we don't go there.  And, let's face it, love can be hurtful and disappointing.

    So, we "Guard our Hearts" and in the process remove wonderful opportunities to grow and love.  One thing I have found to be true that there are absolutely no limits on how much the human heart can love.  There are no limits on how many people we can love, and no limits on how deeply we can love them.  It's all up to us, and just how freely we want to open the door.

    Oh yes, when we open the door, we open ourselves up for disappointment and hurt.  But, in the process, we can have joy that exceeds our understanding.  The more we open ourselves, the more our ability to understand and love others grows.  Disappointment and hurt only serves to intensify the joy that we can experience when we allow others to come freely in our sacred realms.

     The reason I am writing this Blog is because of a recent experience I had tested me and pushed my heart beyond its normal range.  Without sharing too much detail, I will just say that I opened up my heart so completely, and I felt like the door was slammed so hard on my heart that I thought it would break.  I had to really take a good look at what my motives were and I had to remind myself that love is not always about receiving.  In fact, it is seldom about receiving.   I had to remind myself that it was about what could I do to help another; and I had to remind myself that this friend and I are at different stages and have different expectations, as is the case in most relationships. and expectations are seldom the same in any friendship. 

      I have found that when I meet someone and feel a strong connection, that if I follow through, it always turns out good.  It does not mean the experience is without pain and frustration, but the end result is always great.   When I feel that connection and act upon it, 100% of time it turns outs that a deep friendship evolves.  So often, we go throughout life and ignore those feelings for reasons already stated, and by so doing, miss out on great friendships that bring joy and growth into our lives.

     It really puts us to the test when developing same-gender relationships.  In today's world, we are told that if we have or want a strong connection with someone of the same gender, we must be gay or messed up.  It is not acceptable to openly express feelings of love for other men, and most often, we are told to be satisfied with one good friend.  There again, we are guilty of putting limits on how we love.  

     I strongly believe that if you love someone, tell them.  If you feel a strong connection to someone, tell them.  If you want to be a friend with someone, do it.  Forget the limits and boundaries that the world sets.  The only boundaries that really matter are the ones that God has given us, and those boundaries are designed to keep our relationships healthy. The boundaries that God sets protect us from heartache and hurt.  I am not aware of boundaries that limit how many people we can love or how deeply we can love them.  I know of no boundaries that restrict our friendships to a few, or our love to small amounts.  In fact, the greatest commandment of all was to love one another as we love ourselves.  

     So, for me, I am going to work on having no walls and limits on how or whom I love.  I am grateful for the male relationships I have, especially the ones that are open and loving.  Next to the relationship I have with my wife and family, those bring me great joy.  Life is an amazing journey, and when we take away walls that guard our hearts, it can be more joyful and meaningful. 

    Wishing you joy in your journey and relationships with others.  

Brad

JADE meets the first Tuesday of each month at 703 E. 1st. Ave. Mesa 
7:00  For more information on JADE you can call 480-231-2424
JADE is a meeting that teaches and instructs men how to develop
healthy positive relationships with other men. 

Become a member,(on the side panel) and recieve notice when we post a new blog entry. You can also respond, comment or ask for informations about our JADE group by using the link on the top of the side panel.  Thank you. 

November JADE Meeting~ Cupcakes and Friendships

   Cupcakes are like a friendships,  they come in a variety of shapes, colors, textures, flavors, and intensities.  Sometimes they look fantastic, but there is no taste, or in a friendship, we just don't click. In this months Jade meeting, on November 4th at 7:00 pm we will be making cupcakes and discussing friendships.  More to the detail, how to take down the walls that keep us from developing those meaningful rich friendships that are packed with flavor and leave us wanting more.  

     So come and join us, you can RSVP by commenting in the comment at the bottom of this blog.  This months meeting will be at 703 E. 1st. Ave.  Mesa Az

I personally like whole grain cupcakes.  It takes away the guilt. 

Dark chocolate with Lemon Cream Cheese Frosting

Can you ever have to many cupcakes.

So pretty.  Its all about how you dress.

Sprinkles add character

The End or maybe the beginning of something wonderful.  

Hope you can make our JADE meeting.  I have found that when we meet I fill a space in my heart that needs to be filled and I always leave feeling better about life and stronger in my convictions of following the Savior.    Brad

Man's Body

     Life can be ruff and confusing and difficult.  It is even more challenging when we are not given the proper education and direction in life.  I think that one of the biggest challenges we face today is that we are in a world that takes advantage of lack of education.

     As a father I have been guilty of not taking the time to educate my children on certain things.  One of the misconceptions today is that our bodies, or how our bodies react defines our sexuality. As a parent I feel strongly that we need to help our children understand from us just how the body works and not from others.  As a parent we have a better understanding of our children's needs and we have the greater ability to share and teach things to our children.  Things that we might consider sacred and things that others should not teach our children.  Often they, outside sources,  don't have the best interest in mind for our children to teach them certain things.   If we as parents lack in our responsibility to teach our children we should not be surprised with what they come up with.

     Personally I wish my Father would have taught me some basic things that I am certain would have been helpful to me.  And as I have talked to other men I have found that most men have struggled with the same things and have had the same experiences.   Sometimes we think we are the only ones that struggle or have experiences and so we keep them inside and wonder and worry what is wrong.
When in reality we are normal men with body parts that do normal things.

     The male body is programed to react in certain ways,  actually in some pretty strong ways to affection or physical touch.  Studies have shown that any kind of affection from any number of reasons can produce reactions to the male body,  candidly speaking, erections.  The male penis is  and can be a very active part of the body.  Reacting in the most inopportune times, causing embarrassment and shame.  When in reality there is no reason to ashamed.  When we come to understand just how the body works, things that are embarrassing and uncomfortable still are embarrassing and uncomfortable, but we can have an understanding that makes it bearable and understandable..

     The simple truth is that erections can come and go at random times causing us to feel uncomfortable.   Almost every man  I have talked to has expressed the same thing.  Each has told of experiences of having one of those unexpected moments when you least expect it, your penis stands erect and you feel stupid,  wondering if you are normal or not and certainly feeling that everyone will think you are strange.  From sitting in a class room and doing nothing and standing up having to bend over or quickly place your backpack over the tent in front.  Or patting the dog only to realize it has produced an erection.  Have you ever hugged someone,  a completely innocent hug and next thing you know you have an erection.  There are many occasions that are embarrassing when our man bodies produce erections.  I have a friend that says "I cannot control what my body does, but I can control what I do with it".  Is not that perfect.  Our bodies will do weird things, but we have control what we do with it.  It is not a sin or wrong to have an erection, what we do with it is what causes problems.

    What our bodies were designed to do should not cause us embarrassment or shame.  It should not prevent us from having normal healthy relationships with others and it defiantly should not define who we are.  Just because our bodies react does not define us one way or another.  When I hug another man and I get aroused, that does not make me a gay man.  It does tell me that I have an active body that responds to affection.   I think men today are afraid and are often mistaken by assuming certain things because they have a normal body.

    I have talked to men who avoid physical contact with other men and even avoid meaningful relationships because of things that have happened to them while in casual contact with other men. How sad to think we would deprive ourselves of meaningful relationships simply because we have an active penis that responds to kindness or any type of physical contact.  How sad to think we would define who we are simply because our body responds quickly.

    Men, it is normal and common for your penis to react to physical contact, emotional contact, and verbal contact.  There is nothing wrong with you or your body,  there is nothing to feel uncomfortable or ashamed about because you have a healthy body.   Remember you often cannot control what your body does,  but you always can control what you do with it.  If you stay clean and avoid using your body in an inappropriate way,  there is absolutely nothing wrong with erections.

     I have found that when it happens to me,  I just move forward and ignore what my body is doing and enjoy the physical, emotional, and verbal contact without shame or quilt. I am grateful that I have been able to understand and except the fact that I am normal and have nothing to be ashamed of and in the process I have developed meaningful, healthy, relationships with other men that I have found experience the same exact thing.

     Our loving Heavenly Father has given us these amazing bodies to be stewards over and in that he understands completely the challenges we face.  He provides ways for us to move forward and enjoy meaningful deep relationships with other men without having to fall prey to the natural man.

     I wish my father would have taught me this principle.  It would have saved me years of wondering what was wrong with me and I think it would have solved a lot of struggles and personal conflicts I faced as a man who deeply loves other men.   In growing to understand I feel blessed to have many great friendships with many men that are like minded in that they to have struggled and now understand.  Knowledge often times is freedom.

I hope you are taking the time to develop meaningful, healthy, life changing relationships with other men.

 Have a great day.  Brad

Become a member,(on the side panel) and recieve notice when we post a new blog entry. You can also respond, comment or ask for informations about our JADE group by using the link on the top of the side panel.  Thank you. 
   

Some Important Things I Wish My Father Had Taught Me

     Life is confusing, to say the least.  In today's crazy world where media and social pressure wants to dictate what we do and how we act it is even more important now then ever before that Dad's are the ones teaching their sons.

     I grew up in a home where my father, who was raised by his grandmother had no clue about what to teach his sons.  A wonderful man, but still clueless to what boys need to hear from fathers.  I had to learn some things the hard way and over the years I as I have talked and communicated with other men I have learned that a lot of men could have used some simple council from their fathers.   So with that in mind I decided to write about the "Some Things"  that we all have wished our fathers would have told us.

      The first one I really wish my father had explained to me is that it is OK to be different, in my case, soft, kind, and tender.  I grew up in a home where sports were the standard and man stuff was the only thing tolerated.  I hated sports.  I loved to write poetry, draw,  play with dolls, cook, dress up, and lip sing to records.   I was not coordinated at all,  I was fat and cried easily.   I wish my father would have told me that it was OK if I didn't like sports.   I would have loved to have been praised for my writing, creativeness, and flare.  My father being who he was didn't understand the difference and in all fairness to him he really didn't know what to do with someone so completely different then him.  He was stumped.   Can you imagine a hard core cowboy, ruff and tuff to the bone man, with a son that was totally opposite in every way.   He only reacted how any normal man would have.  He thought his son was a girl in a boys body.

     Now having said that,  I have no hard feelings for my father.  Was it hard living with him, yes.  Do I love him, yes.  We are very close and he admires me completely for the tender, kind man I am.  He, like  a lot of our fathers did the absolute best he could at the time.

     The hard thing for me was not understanding who I was and why I was different.   Is it OK to be different?  Yes, that is the message we need to teach our children.  If our boys are kind, sensitive, tender, we need to teach them that just like being a good athlete, those are gifts.  Gift from God come in so many different ways and just because we don't understand does not mean the gift is not valid.  As fathers we need to teach our sons that what the world teaches us about sensitive sweet, tender, men is not what the Lord teaches.  He teaches that there are many gifts and we know that as our creator he has created us with a specific purpose, and when we follow him, we will come to understand the value of our unique differences.

    Don't let the standard of the world or the teachings of the media dictate who we are and how we respond to the gifts we have.  I for one believe that being a kind, tender, sensitive man is  an amazing gift and as I have grown older I am grateful that I chose to magnify my gift as I follow the teachings of the Savior.

    So for the number one thing I wish my father would have taught me would have to be that you are a man no matter what gifts you are given.  It's OK to be different.  It's OK to be kind and soft hearted.  Just because you like to play with dolls, dress up, and lip sing, does not mean you are gay.  It just means you are who God created you to be.   I am proud to be who I am.  I am different and often I am  mistaken to be gay, but that's OK,  I understand that God is my creator and I value his gifts and his judgement.   Sometimes the understanding does not come until after the trail.  But as we continue to follow Christ, the understanding will come and we will find great joy in our uniqueness.

   Next Blog will be The Second thing I wish my father would have taught me.  How my man body works.

Brad

Become a member,(on the side panel) and recieve notice when we post a new blog entry. You can also respond, comment or ask for informations about our JADE group by using the link on the top of the side panel.  Thank you. 

Stand up and BE a Man

      
      I believe in friendships and the power of building healthy ones that bless us forever. Each day as I meet men that struggle with building healthy relationships, I am grateful for the knowledge of what friendships can be. I believe that we can and should encourage and develop healthy relationships with other men.   

      Men need other men. It has been so since man was created and will continue so forever. It is part of the Plan. My message is for men to "Stand up and be the men God intended us to be. Men of character, men that are not afraid to love other men in the healthy, wonderful way God intended". Stand up reach out and open your hearts. 

     Our society today keeps us from developing great relationships.   We live in fear of what others think and because of that fear we deny ourselves and others the opportunity of great relationships.  In today's world they teach us that we cannot have healthy relationships with other men.  We are taught that if we feel strong attractions to other men, we must be Gay.  We have been taught that we cannot have close relationships with other men.  So we keep our distance and avoid relationships that could bless our lives in great ways.  

     I remember my very first best friend.  I have to admit I was 18 years old before I had a best friend.  I lived in an abusive environment and did not have many friends.  In fact during high school it was really hard.  Anyway at the age of 18 I met this man.  I will call him KW.  KW was amazing.  The minute we meet we were friends.  Instantly we were inseparable,  no matter where he went or where I went we were together.  Every spare moment we could find we spent together.  I would get up and work with him at 2 am in the morning and he would come and work with me at 10 pm at night.  I was a permanent fixture at his house.  I adored him.  Could not take my eyes off him.  And the best part is that I knew he loved me.  It was an amazing experience for me to have a best friend.  I am sure it was an experience for him to have such a needy friend.  I could not get enough of him.

     He was so good for me.  He built my self esteem in so many ways.  i remember one night he brought a gift to me at work.  It was a Cross pen set.  I was so happy.  The employees asked why he gave me a gift.  I said "I don't know,  I guess he loves me".   The wrong thing to say.   Instantly they made rude remarks about us being gay.  That was the last thing on my mind.  I just knew he loved me and that was that.   I learned just what society thinks about that type of relationship.  Society makes it hard to have deep meaningful relationships.  

    That friendship started 35 years ago and guess what, KM is still my best friend.  I adore him even more and we have shared many memories over the years and I love his family and he loves mine.  Our friend ship is one that only increases with time.   We can go months without even seeing each other and the very moment we are in the same room it is just like we have never been apart.  One time his wife called after we had spent some time together,  she cried as she explained that when KM and I are in the same room she felt like she could cut the love with a knife.  

     KM and I have never had the desire or feelings of an inappropriate relationship.   Yes we hug and enjoy being close together and I can hardly stand it when he is around , I love him so much.  Our friendship has increased in love and depth over the years.   It will continue to increase for the rest of our lives and I am sure forever.   KM is my personal testimony of the value of good healthy friendships that we can have with other men.   I am so grateful for men like KM that are not afraid to express and act upon normal feeling for other men.   

    Great friendships can be had and enjoyed forever when we set aside our fears and embrace our God given ability to love others.   Men,  stand up and don't be afraid to love another man.  Done in the right way those relationships can and will bless your life forever.  

Have a great day.  Brad

Become a member,(on the side panel) and recieve notice when we post a new blog entry. You can also respond, comment or ask for informations about our JADE group by using the link on the top of the side panel.  Thank you. 

Life Sucks

     Life is all about challenges.  From sin to working, each day is filled with it's own unique set of challenges.  Some days we wonder how on earth we can even make it through the day.  Some days we are so overwhelmed with life we feel like crawling in a hole and pulling a rock over the top and never coming out.  Some days are so dark that it is impossible to see any light.  Some days just plain out SUCK.

       Ever have those days and wonder how in the ^~*("+#~#  you are going to make it.
I have those days, we never want to admit it out loud.  We want everyone to think we are strong and that we have it under control and we are super heros.  But truth be known, even super hero's have those days.  Super heros of the comic book world and my personal super heros of the scriptures,  all have had those days that challenge them to the brink of thier faith and power.  As we  watch the super heros, from both worlds, we always see that the trail increases strength and faith.  Super heros of today get stronger physically and the super heros of the scriptures grow into spiritual giants of great power and strength.

       As I get older I have to come to understand that when we truely desire to return back to our Heavenly Father, he will make sure it happens.  His way of making sure that it happens is growth.

        Growth can be defined as trials that refine us and as if we stay focused on the Savior will eventually bring us back into the presence of our Heavenly Father.   Some days I hate growth.  I frusturates me and often times makes me really mad.  Right in the middle of the trial it is impossible to see the plan, that is where the frustration comes for me.  The inability to see clearly.  That inabiltiy to see clearly is actually the most important part of the trail.  It forces us to have faith in a greater power.

      Turning over the natural man to a greater force an even greater power, the Savior can be hard and painful.  But as we do that and totally submit to his will, his perfect plan, the growth starts to take place in our hearts.  That does not mean the trail is over,  it just means we are starting to understand.

 
       The great day comes when, after that trial ends we can truely see the hand of the Lord in our lives and we are humbled by all that he did,  all that he did that we were unable to see in the middle of the trail.


     That is what helps me endure the trial.  I know one day I will look back and see clearly the hand of the Lord working in my life.  It has always been that way and always will be.  I have made the choice with all my heart to return to live with my Heavenly Father and I do understand he will do all it takes to get me there.  So although I do not welcome trails,  I do see how they are designed with a perfect purpose, the purpose of a Loving Heavenly Father and Savior to bring us back home. .

Have a great day,  Brad

Become a member,(on the side panel) and recieve notice when we post a new blog entry. You can also respond, comment or ask for informations about our JADE group by using the link on the top of the side panel.  Thank you.