A Man's Character Vs. His Outward Appearance

I love when It’s peach season because I love peaches.  The other day I had one that was from a local source.  It looked amazing.  I thought, ‘now that is going to be a good peach’.  I bit into it with all the expectations of having a great peach, and it was NOT!  It was dry and mealy.  It had little flavor.  I was disappointed.  Here I had this peach that by all outward appearances should have been a great peach.  But the insides were awful.  Some of the best peaches I’ve eaten were not that glamorous on the outside, but the fruit was amazing!

In ancient Israel, when the prophet Samuel was struggling to find a king to replace Saul, the Lord answered him saying,  ‘For the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.’ 1 Samuel, 16:7

Now to juxtapose the sacred with the secular: Jack Black is one of my favorite comic actors.   He starred in a Movie called ‘Shallow Hal’ back in 2001.  While this was about his relationship with women, the same principle applies with any relationship including men's relationships.  In the movie he was only interested in outwardly attractive women and was disparaging of those he deemed unattractive.  In a turn of events, he had the opportunity to see others as they would look if their inside appearance were their outward appearance.  Beautiful women were ugly, while those who were not as outwardly attractive appeared beautiful to him. Of course the outcome is that he fell in love with a woman who was an amazing person on the inside, but could be considered less attractive on the outside.  In the course of the movie, he learned the lesson that we can’t judge a person by how they look on the outside.

It breaks my heart to think of the times that I may have passed up what could have been a meaningful relationship or friendship in my life because I cared too much about the outward appearance of someone, instead of taking the time to look into their heart and find out the real person inside.

We live in a world obsessed with the superficial.  Media has told us that as long as a person looks good they are good.  Our politicians have to be television ready and polished at all times. We are overly critical of appearance.  Comments like, ‘ That person should be ashamed to be on TV.  They can’t speak at all.’ or ‘Wow! he really let himself go.  Isn’t he embarrassed at how much weight he’s gained?’, only perpetuate our passion for the ‘perfect’ image.  

And it’s not just our media, it bleeds into our home life as well.  We can’t be happy with simple countertops.  We deserve - no, we NEED - the best marble countertops and stainless steel appliances - afterall, how could you live without them?  We can’t be happy if our backyard isn’t perfectly landscaped and our house doesn’t look like it came out of a magazine the day after we buy it.  We obsess about the kind of car someone drives or what their children look like.

I think as a culture we have lost sight of what is important.  We place emphasis on things that don’t matter and make those things, which have little meaning, of critical urgency.  And in doing so, we have missed out on human relations.  The outwardly beautiful are praised and showered with accolades while the plain are left in the dust; even if those who are outwardly plain have a much better character than those who are considered beautiful.  

I was talking with a person who is several years younger than me about a politician.  The young man was enamored with this politician’s command for language and how energetic and handsome he was.  He would say, ‘He is such a good speaker! How could I not vote for him?’.  I asked the young man, ‘But do you know anything of his work ethic?  What about his policies or background in leadership? Has he done anything to prove he will be a good leader?’.  The young man looked perplexed as if I were speaking a foreign language; as if he couldn’t understand that anything but the politicians looks and oratorical prowess could matter.  

God, however, looks at the inside of a person.  God knows our spirits and hearts.  Just because a person can’t speak well doesn’t make them an idiot.  They just have a problem speaking.   Someone may not be what we consider attractive physically, but they may be the most generous and loving person you could ever meet.  I have met men who say they are vain and only want to be around other good-looking people/men.  While I can’t blame them for wanting to be around good-looking men, how many wonderful relationships are we passing up because we are concerned too much with the outside?

As I get older, relationships mean more to me than appearances.  Perhaps this is where aging has an advantage.  I feel I am better able to look beyond the physical traits of a person and see the inside.  As I let more and more people into my circle without regard to their appearance, I find I learn so much more.  I gain greater love as well.  

Let’s not let a good relationship be sacrificed because we are too vain to allow someone in.  We need to seek out the friendship of other men who are going to lift us up and be true friends and good influences in our lives.  This should be regardless of their outward appearance.  We need to remember to look at them as God looks at them - their inward appearance.  

Jim

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Marriage Ordained of God

I love this photo.  It tells a great story.  I love how the Savior is surrounded by men.  I love the feeling of love that is between them, and how you can feel the Savior's love for them.  I appreciate the show of affection between the men and to those closest to the Savior.  I think this painting shows just how men can love each other, and how that love can be in harmony with the Savior and his teachings.  To me, he is the greatest example of all things and any time I have a question of what should be done, all I have to do is look to him and his life to know the answer.  There is no doubt in my mind of his love for other men and his compassion for men, no matter what they are struggling with.  I know he understands any and all trials and has compassion for what each of us struggles with.  I also know he set the perfect example and desires we follow his teachings, regardless of how hard it may be or what the world may say.  He has stated, "I am the light and the life."   He never justifies sin or moving from the path he declared for any reason.  

This past year has been one of learning and growth for me as I have opened my heart and have come to understand more and more about the struggles men have in our society.  I have learned to be more open and accepting of things that I do not often understand.  If we personally don't understand or have not dealt with that certain trial others are having, too often we can be judgmental and show a lack understanding for what others are going through.  Just because someone is struggling with something I cannot comprehend, it does not lessen the burden they carry.  In today's world we need to be more understanding and Christlike in our judgements.  Having said that there is a great difference in showing love and blindly accepting things.  We must be careful how we deal with differences.  We cannot for one moment lower our standards or accept the world's standards simply because they tell us we have to.  We can be loving and understanding, but that does not mean we have to lower our standards or change our beliefs.  we must ever remain strong and faithful and focused on what we believe: No, what we know is right. 

 I remember a great sermon years ago by a great man.   The sermon was called "The Absolute Truth", the jist of the sermon was how there are certain truths, and just because man says something different, that  does not change and cannot change "Absolute Truths".   For many years it was taught the world was flat,  now matter how many thought it was flat, it did not change.  In the article they compared a watch that was found.  It was found far away from where it was made, but that fact did not change the fact of where it was really made.  That is how it is today.  There are Absolute Truths, and no matter how badly or how many want them to change, they will not.  

Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God,  that truth will never change.  Can two men get married, yes they can, but that union will not be ordained of God, no matter how much man or the law of the land states it to be.  God's ways are not always easy to understand, but when we follow them we receive the blessings.  Can two men that get married be happy?  They probably can, but that does not make it right in God's eyes.   

I personally believe that two men  or two women can really deeply love each other.  What a wonderful thing.  But even more wonderful is when two men or two women can love each other and keep it within the boundaries God has established and condoned.   I by no means want to judge someone for loving someone else and desiring to express that love by a commitment of marriage.  Agency is a great gift that God has given, but I am deeply touched by men and women who have those same desires and choose to do the hard thing; follow the teachings of the Savior. It is easy to follow the teachings and ways of man.  The true test come when we follow God's teachings, even at great personal sacrifice and discomfort.  

Christ is our perfect example in all things.  He wants us to be loving and kind and accepting of everyone,  but we cannot confuse acceptance with that of changing our standards of things we know to be Absolute Truths.  We can hold fast to the truth and still be loving and understanding of trials others are experiencing.  

I personally know men who struggle deeply with Same Gender Attraction.  I am touched and amazed at how they, with great difficulty and personal sacrifice choose to follow the Savior.  I admire their personal courage and commitment in doing what they know is right, even when with all their hearts they want to do differently.  I love them and when I am around them I feel the Savior's love for them.

One of the greatest things the Savior has taught by his example is that the Human heart has the unlimited power to love. There are no borders or boundaries on how many or how deeply we can love others.  Man puts restrictions and rules that are not in harmony to His teachings.  The only rule he gives is to "keep my commandments", in this there is safety and peace.  Laws may change, man's opinion may change,  but the Absolute Truth is that God's teachings do not change and when we follow Him and keep His commandments, no matter how hard they may seem, we are blessed and live in peace and happiness.

I love this picture. I want to be like Him in all I do, especially in how I understand others and respond to the burdens they carry.   

Brad

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A New Approach to Making Friends

I have learned over time that attraction isn’t just physical.  All men are attracted to other men for various reasons.  You may not be attracted to a man physically, but there may be an emotional attraction or a spiritual attraction that draws you to the other man.  Someone may have absolutely no physical attraction for other men, but he has an emotional need to connect with men.  For some of us, there may be a layered approach to this.  We may have a combination or all three types of attractions for other men, depending on the man.  

Some men are naturally able to be friends with other men regardless of attraction levels.  I had a neighbor who found out there was a new guy in the neighborhood and he was a like a little kid finding a new playmate on the playground.  He went over to meet the new guy and within minutes they were best buds.  They even had a ‘playdate’ set up.  This neighbor is just one of those guys who genuinely likes the platonic company of other men, and has no problem expressing that.  

One of the scariest things in the world for me is to approach and try to become friends with a man I am attracted to.   I will stare at them and try to be sly about it.  I will get to know them from a distance, but not really get to know them.  Their mystique grows and with that so does my attraction.  But then so does my fear to approach them.  

A few years ago, a man moved into the congregation I attended at church.  To me, he was one of the most attractive men I have ever met.  He was also a very good person and seemed to have a great personality. Moreover, we shared a lot in common.   He was a guy I wanted to be friends with badly, but I was extremely intimidated by him.  

I went about my relationship with him in the wrong way.  I acted very smug and aloof around him.  I treated him as if I couldn’t care less about having any kind of relationship with him in any way.  Every time he attempted to come to me to invite me to do something with him, I shunned him or made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him.  All the time, my inner-self was screaming out to be able to do everything with him and grow a great relationship with him.  What I ultimately feared was rejections from him.

What’s funny is that I would do little acts of service for his family, often anonymously.  Perhaps I felt guilty or wanted to make up somehow for the way I treated him.  But now looking back, I know it was just silly of me to act that way.

He ultimately ended up moving away.  I regret that I went about building a relationship improperly.  I have learned so much since then!

These attractions are normal.  Knowing that now, what would I do differently if another guy came into my life that I had an attractions to (be that physical, emotional, or spiritual)? The following works for me.  I am not suggesting this is what will work in every situation or for everyone.  I am also not saying that this will build a lasting platonic relationship with a guy you may find attractive.  These are simply some thoughts I have found that help me.  

1. Look past his physical characteristics, understand he is human.  Find a flaw.

Though it may sound kind of mean to look for a flaw, it helps me to see the person as human.  I am less attracted physically to a guy that way.  There is less mystique. When there is less mystique, I am not as afraid to try to build a lasting relationship with someone.  As I get to know someone better, and become better friends with them, I also find my attraction level for them goes down in most cases.  When someone’s a ‘bro’ I usually don’t have a desire to go further than that.

2. Show a real interest in what he likes and who he is - you may find you have more in common than you think

We are humans.  We like when people take interest in us.  It makes us feel better about ourselves as well as the person we are with.  That’s just human nature.  If I am genuinely curious about the likes and dislikes of a person, they will more often than not want to pursue a conversation with me.

3. Be Bold - invite him to join in an activity with you

This is a hard thing for me to do.  But for me, it’s important.  If there is common interest, invite him to do something with you.  I love hiking.  That is usually one of the things I have that I can invite a guy to do with me.  It’s wholesome.  It provides a physical outlet.  It helps put you both on common ground.  If it’s movies, go to the movies.  If you are both into cars, see if there’s a car show, or go look at cars at the dealership.  Who cares!  Just have fun.  

Asking someone to do something with you, and facing possible rejection is one of the scariest things to do.  But if you never try it, you will never get what you want.  The more you practice, the better you will get at building relationships.

4. Be vulnerable.  Don’t fear rejection

We are all afraid of exposing ourselves.   What if we do something stupid or embarrassing?  What if that causes them to not want to be your friend?  Will you have someone accept your offer of friendship every time?  No.  This may be for various reasons.  You may not have anything in common with the person.  It is possible that he is afraid of you or very cautious for similar reasons.  If the person’s not ready, don’t push it.

At the same time, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and be yourself!  If you are goofy, be the goofy self you are.  You are going to make more meaningful friends by being yourself than trying to mask the real you.  It’s ultimately a lot easier to be yourself and be rejected than to be someone different and be accepted.  If you are accepted, you have to continue to put on the false you every time.  That’s a burden no one needs to carry.

5. Accept your attraction to the person

OK - the guy is good looking.  Who cares if you think so.  Accept it.  You don’t have to go up to him and say you think he’s attractive.  You can if you are comfortable with that, but for me I find that by just accepting the fact that I am attracted to the guy helps me not be as scared.  It’s one less hurdle to overcome.  

6. Enjoy the moment/Don’t over think things

We are guys.  We understand that there are plenty of guys out there who don’t converse or won’t open up about their lives.  Guys can sit and fish for hours and not say a word to each other, but will think they had the best day of their lives and have spent quality time with their best friend.  Just being together can be important.  

I know men who won’t talk with each other for long periods of time and when they get back together it’s as if they were never apart.  And when they do, they don’t say much.    

I am not that kind of person.  I feel like I need to have a deep conversation with consistent communication with someone to make the relationship meaningful.  But for some guys that is not the case.  Don’t push things.  Patience really is a virtue.  And don’t take things too personally.  If a guy doesn’t get back with you right away, understand that he may have a lot going on too.  If they never get back with you, let it slide.  If they do eventually get back to you, be happy that they did.  Low expectations of how someone else reacts is better than having high expectations that will never be met.

7. Embrace (or handshake)

Healthy touch is something to be cherished.  Don’t shy away from a good healthy hug.  Guys show their affection for other guys differently.  It’s OK.  For some a handshake is enough.  If you go to hug the guy and he shies away, remember that he is a handshake kind of guy.  If you are a handshake kind of guy, be that.  But I suggest not to be afraid to try a good embrace.  Sometimes we all need just that!

My hope is that we all find healthy ways to build good relationships with guys we are attracted to - whether the attraction is physical, emotional, spiritual, or a combination of all three.  It’s important not to let our fear of the attraction we have for another guy keep us from a great friendship.

Jim

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The Need for Positive Affirmations

Am I the only one who struggles with the need for affirmations? It really bothers me that in today's world we cannot and do not acknowledge the good around us.  What makes it so hard to tell someone about the good things we feel and think about them?  We are really good at finding the bad and pointing that out.  However, when it comes to telling someone they are good we don't do it, or if we do, it is infrequently done. 

It happens in all parts of our lives: From home to work, from church to eating out, we are quick to find fault.  It seems that we are the quickest to find the faults in those around us.  The closer we are to them the more relaxed we are at pointing out faults. 

I think that if we were as quick to point out the good we see, as we are in looking for the bad, that the good would be all we would see.  I can guess media has a huge part of that.  When was the last time you turned on the news and saw the reporter reporting on something really good that happened?  Wouldn't it be great if we could turn it on, and leave feeling uplifted and happy that there was some good in the world.  Instead we leave feeling we live in a terrible place filled with terrible people. It crushes our desires to even believe there is good in the world.  

It is time for a change and I believe that one person can make a huge difference in the world.  One voice can change a life and give others a better view of life.  So often we wait for someone to be nice to us first before we offer to be nice to them.  Folks here is the big news: We have to be the ones to start.  It has to come from us.  If we wait for others to do it,  we will wait forever.  We need to be the example and lift those around us with words of kindness and encouragement. 

The funny thing is it takes less effort to find the good than it does to find the bad around us.  We have to look for the bad.  It's like an intense hunting sport - constantly on the watch, constantly aware of everything around us, constantly looking for what is wrong,  always keeping the finger on the trigger so we will not miss an opportunity to shoot. And if we miss an opportunity, the hunt gets more intense until we finally find the target. And we don't just shoot once, we have to make sure we make the kill, so we keep shooting and shooting until what we have shot is not even recognizable anymore.  What a horrible way to live.

On the other hand, finding the good is like being in a dream bakery, where everywhere you turn you are faced with amazing possibilities.  The more you look the better it gets.  Your senses are overcome with goodness. When you finally choose one and take a bite your entire body is filled with joy and you can hardly wait to try another.  You leave feeling satisfied and content and everything in the world looks better and brighter. 

Positive Affirmations at work can change  the working environment.    I for one love them, and respond with the desire to be better and work harder for those around me.  Work is a hard thing anyway and when we know we are appreciated, we work harder.  I had an associate tell me once that if we constantly tell those around us they are doing good,  they will take advantage of me.  That may be true, but there is a way to control that, and it is by teaching and building at the same time.   I have found that if those we work with feel appreciated and valued they work harder and are more willing to listen when we do have problems.  If all we do is complain, when we try to say something good it is not even heard.  We have programed them to hear only bad.


Positive Affirmation sat home can create a place of peace and comfort.  I love to know I am loved and appreciated by those whom I serve the most.  It makes a huge difference in how I act and how they respond.  I am guilty of being quick to see the things not done.  I have noticed that when I take the time to notice and respond to the positive, life is sweeter.  Home should be the one place in the entire world were we feel completely loved and needed, and where we are constantly given affirmations that encourage us to move on.  The world is a hard place and there needs to be a sanctuary where we can feel safe and free from the negative.  When we are taught to make our homes a "Temple"  I think that means were we look only at the good in those that come there and lift them in all we say and do.

Positive Affirmations at church or in our worship are essential.  Isn't that one of the reasons we go to worship: to be lifted and receive the encouragement to take on another week? If we do not receive it at church it is probably because we are not giving it.  I have learned when we go to church the main purpose is to lift those around us.  They come to be lifted and strengthened.  When we take the time to lift them, we are lifted in the process. It's amazing how that works.  Lift others and you will be lifted. Empty our cups and they are filled to overflowing.  I have practice this over the years and it works.  Often times on Sunday I am worn out and broken from the hard week and I don't even want to go. I remember the reason, and that someone might need to be lifted and so I go.  Every single time I leave feeling better.  When we serve others we are lifted and edified.

Positive Affirmations in the world can make a difference.   Have you ever noticed how much better the service gets when you take the time to tell them about it.  Yes there are those times when you need to complain, but there are more times when you can say good things.  Remember everyone is in the same boat.  We are all trying to make it through, in spite of family issues, health issues, money issues, etc.  Really all everyone needs is a kind word.  Kind affirmations can change everything. If I go somewhere, when I get great service, I always take the time to tell them how good it is.  Even just a big friendly smile can change the day for someone.  Have you ever noticed that the moment you smile, you get one back.  Everyone is just waiting for kindness.  It seems in today's messaging society we are so quick to message or post or review and send it out to the world.  Most often these reviews are negative.  Sometimes it's needed, but I wonder how often those who post complaints so quickly do the same with things that are truly bad.  And what of those of us who never post? Maybe we should start a new trend:  Speaking out loudly about the good that happens.  

Positive Affirmations in our personal relationships can make a huge difference.  In fact that is what builds strong healthy relationships from family to friends, from coworker to just people on the street. when we use Positive Affirmations we change relationships in ways that we cannot even begin to comprehend or understand.  It's a great way to build and sustain real meaningful relationships.

I am POSITIVE that Positive Affirmations are the key to a happy life filled with joy and peace.  

Have a great day and remember to look for the good.  

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The Language of Boys or of Men

The Language of Boys or of Men

Rejection is a word I learned to fear over the years.  I am a people pleaser, and to be rejected used to be next to death for me, and was a problem most of my life

I often felt like I never fit in. I remember two boys at school who I thought were my friends.  After a few days of the new-found friendship however, they told me to leave them alone.  I didn’t understand why.  And as a kid, I was devastated.  When this type of thing happened at various times over the years, I reasoned they had a problem and that I just needed to find others.  But deep down I knew I was different from the other boys.  In time, I learned to distance myself from boys in general.  My relationships with other boys waned even though I deeply longed to find some good male friends!  Unfortunately, I over-analyzed the situation and determined that I was going to be better off without good male companions. 

The problem was that I was not learning how to be around boys, and I needed that in my life.  I didn’t learn to speak what I perceived to be ‘their language’.  I’ll call this an ‘emotional language’.  It’s the unspoken way to be what I believed (note the past tense)  a boy should be.  Call it hormones, nature, or instinct, it’s something that a person understands - sometimes without even knowing it.  I missed out on what I thought so many boys were able to learn naturally - how to be a boy; how to speak the ‘emotional language’ of boys.  

As I analyze my life I have to question what it is that I really missed out on?  I’m going to be VERY stereotypical here on what boys are like.  However, these are basic things that I felt boys knew that the boy me didn’t have a comfort level for.  I emphasize that these WERE my perceptions as a child and young adult: 

1. The language of sports
2. The language of cars and basic mechanical things
3. The language of fighting
4. The language of mathematics

I wasn’t drawn to the same kinds of things that I believed other boys my age were traditionally drawn to.  I liked music and fine art.  I was not adventurously looking for ways to break my bones.  While boys would go into the forest to conquer nature, I was out in the forest observing the change in season, and noting the differences in the plants from day to day.  I liked to watch animals - not hunt them.  While the other boys would be off playing with sticks and pretending to kill each other, I would watch from a distance. I am not gifted athletically.  I tried, but usually failed.  This led to further rejection.  While the boys at church were playing basketball, I was that boy who left everyone and played the piano alone so I would avoid that rejection. 

And I was afraid of boys much the way I imagine boys will often be afraid of a girl.  If I was attracted to a boy, or later in my life to a man, I was afraid of being hurt by the boy or man I liked.  I believed I would ultimately be rejected.  It wasn’t just a rejection of friendship.  It was the rejection of my attraction. 

So when it came to other boys, and later, men, when I would start to have a good, friendly relationship with another man, I always questioned that relationship.  I analyzed it to the point that I rejected it before I could be rejected.  I learned to push others away.  It was easier to be the rejector rather than the rejected. Consequently, I had many acquaintances but few to no close male friends. 

As I got older I realized that if my desire was to be around, and have healthy relationships with other men, I needed to learn how to speak the language of men.  What I found out is the language of boys versus men can be very different.  While there are similarities, a man has hopefully broadened his horizons.  Life experiences teach him about more than just his own interests.  The language of boys that I yearned to learn as a boy was simply not the ‘emotional language’ all men speak.  

Human language and speech is varied and beautiful.  The language of human emotion is likewise varied and beautiful.  I learned that ‘boy language’ is as varied as there are interests.  You just need to find people that speak the same language.  

Some men grow up and speak the same ‘emotional language’ they did as boys.  Some could argue that this is a problem.  I personally have no issue with that.  They were comfortable in that ‘emotional language’ during their youth and they are comfortable with it now.  I have learned that I can be friendly with them, but I may never have a fluency level in their ‘emotional language’ to be really close to them.  That’s alright.  They won’t have the same level of fluency in my language perhaps to feel close to me.  But we can coexist with mutual respect. 

Some men are able to flawlessly merge the language of boy and man and somehow bask in the joy of both.  I admit that I do harbor a tinge of jealousy for those who can magically balance the inner boy with that of the man.  I’ll call that jealousy, respect. 

I feel that I matured to discover my own male emotional languages later on in life.  I learned that there are other men who enjoy music, art, who are introverted overthinkers, and/or who enjoy being in nature and observing what’s around them.  I learned that there are people who love to be athletic in the same way I do.  I learned that there are people who enjoy doing many other things I enjoy doing. 

I also discovered that I can learn to speak another ‘emotional language’.   Out of necessity, I needed to be somewhat skilled in the language of basic mathematics.  I will never be able to converse on a fluent level with a doctor or math, but I can do some wicked estimation and come up with some great calculations on things like budgets and projected expenditures.  I found that my analytical side was suited for these things.  It was just a matter of opening myself up to it. 

I learned the language of athleticism.  But just as with real language, there are dialects of a language.  While I may never learn the dialect of football or baseball, I do love to watch a good basketball game.  And while I may never be a great basketball player, I enjoy the March Madness bracket!  I learned other athletic dialects as well.  They just had to be on my terms.  I learned the love of running, hiking, and generally being physically fit.  I will never listen to sports radio and follow every stat for every game.  I don’t need to.  There are other men who speak my ‘emotional dialect’ of the ‘language of athleticism’ that has nothing to do with football or sports radio.  I just needed to find them. 

Out of necessity I learned to be somewhat handy.  When you have a house, you either have to learn to do the work, or pay someone to do it.  I learned to do the work I could.  There are plenty of other men who are in my shoes - additional common ground. 

I probably won’t ever learn the language of fighting in the sense of physical fights between boys on the playground.  However, I learned the language of manly fighting in the sense that I learned to never give up when it counts.  I learned to work hard for what I have.  I learned to struggle through difficulties and come out smiling.  

I have also learned that through mutual experiences and struggles, a common language can be built, even if the two initially don’t appear to speak the same language.  Groups of men that go out together to serve others or who experience life-changing events may grow bonds that will last. I hear the stories of men who served together in the armed forces during combat who grow a bond like that of brothers.   In other words, they create a new ‘emotional language’ that binds them. 

As I find other men with whom I share common ‘emotional languages’, I am able to build true bonds of friendship and deep meaningful relationships on a level that I wanted as a youth.  I have also learned that while these men may share some of the ‘emotional languages’ I do, they may also speak others that I don’t.  This is a good thing.  That only helps to enrich me if I let it. And hopefully I am able to enrich their lives.  But that bond of a common language helps to build the needed friendship initially.  

Because I can have a strong foundation of good male friendships, when I am rejected by others, the pain is not as great.  I move forward knowing that the rejection isn’t personal.  It could simply be that I don’t relate to them or speak the same ‘emotional language’.  After all, maybe I have unintentionally rejected others who I believed didn’t share the same ‘emotional language’ I did.  

Jim 

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Overcoming My Perfect, Normal Self

I'll introduce myself as Jim.  I have become friends with Brad and have started writing some of my thoughts and feelings down.  In sharing my writings with Chef Brad, he's invited me to contribute to his blog.  Here are my thoughts from this week:

Too many times those of us who consider ourselves to be spiritual men, and who experience same sex attraction (SSA), or say we are gay, focus on the ideal person we think we should be - be that physically, mentally, emotionally, and/or spiritually.  I know in my experience I have obsessed over being more physically attractive, or more active, or that I do everything perfectly.  I have pined to be someone else so many times in my life.  

While I think everyone probably goes through this to some extent, I can speak for myself that I feel I have gone through these scenarios more often than not to an unhealthy extent!  And in speaking to men in similar circumstances, I don’t feel this is uncommon. For myself, much of that was brought on by the fact that I was trying to ‘overcome’ my attractions, and felt that I had to be ‘perfect’ in order to be ‘normal’. 

There are three issues here and they are all in quotations in the paragraph above: ‘Overcome’, ‘Perfect’, and ‘Normal’.  Let me start by giving the overused quote of the century (I love hyperbole), ‘Normal is a setting on my washing machine’.  Perfect, in the modern English sense of the word, is unattainable.  And to overcome something, you must have something ‘wrong’ to overcome.    I’d like to explore these three concepts. 

Overcome: 

I’ll start with ‘Overcome’.  While I cannot speak for everyone, I am a pretty good authority on myself.  I was three or four when I started to know I was attracted to men.  I can’t remember a time I wasn’t.  I also can’t remember a time that I was ever attracted to women.  I don’t come from a background where people would think there would be a ‘reason’ for me to be gay. I didn’t look at pornography at all through my youth or even as a young adult.  It wasn’t available and I didn’t feel drawn to it.  I wasn’t abused or mistreated.  I never had a sexual experience until I married my wife (Yes, I am married - that is another paper).  I am simply a gay man.  It’s that simple.  Say what you will, I feel I was born that way.  And it’s a part of who I am.  What, then, is there to ‘overcome’?  

I believe the biggest thing I need to overcome is the sense of shame and desperation I felt for decades before finally coming to terms and being honest with myself.  I don’t need to overcome the attractions.  I would never tell some man who has always been attracted to women that he needs to overcome that attraction because it’s perverse.  To me it’s unnatural to be attracted to women, the same way it’s unnatural for him to be attracted to men.  Our attractions are the exact same thing - attraction, plain and simple - , just focused on different genders.  But for some reason, society has said that the attraction in and of itself is something that should be overcome; that it is shameful.  Because of that, too many people have lost hope and fallen away.  Some have forsaken family and friends and others have, in desperation, taken their lives.  I feel much of this heartache is done to ‘overcome’ something that, in the case of many like myself, could never change.  

I know that my attractions are not going to change.  They are what they are. However, I can determine what I will do with my attractions, and I can overcome the temptations to go beyond the bounds of my marriage.  However, the attractions are there.  I have learned that while I need to overcome temptation, the attractions are not to be overcome.  

I should rejoice in the fact that because of these attractions, I am better able to empathize and sympathize with my fellow humans.  Because of my own inner struggles over the years, I see things in a more open and loving light.  My understanding of the whole world is broader because my attractions made me think beyond just myself.  They helped me to grow into a better person than I could have been without them.  I have learned the true meaning of sacrifice.  I have learned the true meaning of kindness, understanding, forgiveness, and love because of my attractions.  Is that to say those who don’t experience what I do can’t have the same understandings?  No!  Of course they can, but they have to go about it a little differently than I’ve had to. 

In the past, too many times I felt I needed to overcome the attractions.  I focused on the wrong part of what it was that I needed to overcome.  I feel we need to teach our brothers that overcoming is not to overcome what I believe God has given us.  It is to use what we are given to make the world better!  It is the world, after all, that we are to overcome.  I invite myself to find out why I was given this amazing opportunity to experience life in a different way than so many others!  It’s not something to overcome!  It’s something to embrace and understand. 

Perfect: 

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the scripture found in the New Testament book of St. Matthew 5:48, that reads, ‘Be ye therefore perfect even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect’ is misunderstood at best and mistranslated at worst.  I think too many people misinterpret the scripture and don’t understand the true meaning of it.   I know I didn’t.  All my youth was wracked with torment and guilt for not being able to be ‘perfect’.  

I idealized that perfection meant that I would get straight ‘A+’, would look like a model, would be good at everything I tried to do, was perfectly gracious and kind to everyone no matter how much I didn’t like them, and generally had everything in complete order.  In other words, I should have been made out of plastic and my name needed to be ‘Ken’.  No offense to those who are actually named Ken by the way…. 

No one, and I mean NO ONE can or should live up to those expectations.  I however, felt that in order to ‘overcome’ my attractions, I needed to be perfect.  I somehow had the distorted sense that if I could only do everything perfectly, God would somehow take it all away.  Of course I know better now.  I know that isn’t God’s plan or his way.  But I didn’t understand that for a very long time. 

Let’s look at the word ‘Perfect’.  Over the past years, at church, I have heard the word perfect translated as ‘whole’.  The scripture would read, ‘Be ye therefore whole...’.  That is nice, but means little without further thought and research.  

As I looked up this specific scripture, I ran across an interesting reference that I would like to bring up here.  It is found at: http://hermeneutics.stackexchange.com/questions/4900/what-did-jesus-mean-by-be-perfect-in-the-sermon-on-the-mount

This reference indicates the word in Greek actually means ‘Love’.  Love as God would love, without partiality or justification.  In other words, love unconditionally.  Wow!  It may be easier to be perfect than to love unconditionally.  We may say we love unconditionally, but do we?  I know I don’t.  I judge.  I don’t have complete compassion. I don’t help everyone in need.  Would I help an old lady trying to cross the street alone if I could help her? Yes!  Of course I would help her.  And society expects me to.  It would be a soul-less person who didn’t help her!   But how about the crazy homeless guy without teeth, who smells, is yelling at everyone, and might try to rob me?  I would most certainly think twice, or even fifteen times about doing that.  

When we read it in our modern terms as ‘be ye perfect’, the scripture is very self-centered.  But reading it in the terms that I believe it was meant to be read - love without prejudice - that turns it upside down!  That is the opposite of worrying about one’s self.  The scripture is very unselfish when you put it into that perspective.  When you love - truly love - unconditionally, you don’t think of yourself at all.  You aren’t concerned with your problems.  You don’t feel down because you aren’t ‘perfect’.  

When we love unconditionally, we feel compassion for the homeless man.  We desire to help him as much as we would help the old woman who is trying to cross the street.  God loves us all.  He knows our beauty.  He knows us better than we know ourselves, because we are His.  I’m not saying that we all go out and help the homeless man - that’s up to you.  You could be putting yourself in danger.  Prudence is needed in today’s world (yet another paper).  I am just using this as an example.  But it does make me stop to think about what I am thinking when I pass up the opportunity to help and from whom I keep my distance. 

Once we can love others without concern for ourselves, then we have found a place where we can be closer to ‘whole’ in my opinion.  We stop thinking about ourselves and do what we know will make the world a better place.    

I challenge myself to stop worrying about being what the world sees as ‘perfect’.  I am not going to be a Ken doll nor do I think God wants me to be.  That doesn’t stop me from wanting to look my best and be the best I can be.  The difference is that I do it for higher reasons: health and longevity, etc., and not for vain reasons.  I challenge myself to do what I can to love others to the best of my abilities, and the way I imagine God would. 

Normal: 

All my life I wanted, and worked to be ‘normal’.  I consider many people ‘normal’.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  The world needs all kinds. Those perceived as normal and the eccentric.   But if we looked into the lives of the ‘normal’, they are far from boring and they are no where near normal.  No one is ‘normal’.  And I have learned that outward appearance has little to do with what is inside. 

Everyone is unique.  Everyone has so much to offer the world.   I however, don’t want to live my life under the radar - or as ‘normal’ - any longer. I spent too many years trying to do everything NOT to be noticed; to be ‘normal’.   I want to experience life as the person I am.  I don’t feel God wants us to hide our true character.  

I know someone who had a great saying that I feel fits this situation perfectly.  ‘No matter how much you try to hide it, the real you will always come out’.  Ain’t it the truth?!  I am not saying we go out and do crazy things that could jeopardize our lives or the safety of others to make up for never doing crazy things as a kid. I am not saying I want to go out and yell from the rooftops to everyone about every ounce of my business.    I am actually a very private person - that’s just my nature.  I am not going to be the kind of person going out with rainbow banners, marching in a parade just because I need to ‘come out’.  That would not be authentic to my personality.  I am not against those who need that in their lives.  I just need and want to live my life authentically.  I cannot be the person I am supposed to be if part of me is hiding in a dark corner of my soul.  

Over the last three years, I have worked on brightening up that dark corner and letting the true me shine forth.   As I have done so, the old ‘normal’ me has started to vanish. Sometimes the true me is not very pretty.  Other times it’s marvelous.  In the end, the most important thing is that it’s me without any apologies 

I have done things I never thought I could do.  I have made friends with men on a level I never had before, and never thought I could.  And guess what?  I am happier and more fulfilled because of it.  I have felt grief and loss more deeply than I ever did before.  This might sound like a bad thing, but I had lived my life guarding myself from feelings in order to maintain a facade to keep people thinking I was ‘normal’.  Now I feel.  I never understood or felt like I loved anyone or was able to be loved.  Now I know the joy of love on multiple levels and enjoy the knowledge that I am loved.  

I argue that ‘normal’ is unauthentic.  At least my idea of what normal is.  None of us is normal.  

We each have a light inside that shines differently from everyone around us.  Together the mosaic of light from each individual creates an amazing and beautiful picture.  My light was dim for so long.  My part of that picture lacked it’s true beauty. I hope I can continue to find what it means to be authentic to myself: That I never stop growing into the person God, not the world, wants me to be.  I am a beautiful work in progress.  I am not perfect, but I hope to love without bounds - this includes loving myself.  I no longer desire to overcome my attractions.  Now I want to overcome my weaknesses.  I no longer feel a need to be normal.  I want my ‘abnormal’ light to shine as a positive beacon. 

Jim

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Bromance.. What is a Bromance

Bromance is the big buzz word today.  It's the new friendship word.  It's also a word that is hugely misunderstood.  Bromance is often thought of as a gay word.  An acceptable word for being gay.  But it is not about being gay or having a sexual relationship with another man.  It is all about building positive healthy friendships.  Here are a couple of definitions that I have found.  One is from Wikapidia and the other is from Urban Dictionary.  


This is the definition according to Wikapidia 
A bromance is a close, emotionally intense, non-sexual bond between two (or more) men. It is an exceptionally tight affectional, homosocial male bonding relationship that exceeds that of usual friendship, that is distinguished by a particularly high level of emotional intimacy. 

Urban Dictionary  Bromance -noun 

1. A non-sexual relationship between two men that are unusually close.
2. The act of wooing a fellow male friend for the purpose of becoming closer.
3. Going to unusual lengths in an attempt to become closer with another male friend. -

 Also know as Man Crush:

Bromances are also called "man crushes" because of the level of affection the guys feel for each other. It is an intimate personal non-sexual relationship between men.  

  I have found that in today's world men are more than ever before seeking friendships. Not just friendship, but meaningful intimate relationships with other men.  Men crave and need to have tight, close relationships that exceed normal friendships. 

    Is it possible for men to have Bromances - a non-sexual, close relationship with another man?  It is possible and highly recommended.  Men need other men. 

    I started a group called JADE over a year ago. JADE is a group that meets monthly and was created to teach men how to have effective, healthy relationships with other men.    I have learned a lot about men and their needs since starting this group.  The number one thing I have found is that men need other men, and want close relationships with them.  Often times we think that only men that experience SGA or SSA want or need other men in their lives.  I have found that most men desire close meaningful relationships with other men.  There is an in-born need to have those types of friendships in our lives.  When needs are filled by having these close healthy relationships, men are better adjusted and happier. 

     Men need intimate, close relationships, now more then ever.  Life is tough and men need emotional friendships to lift them through the tough times.  There is just something about having the support of another man on the Journey.  Men think alike and understand each other.  Close, intimate relationships between two men can offer uplifting strength to overcome the challenges faced in today's world.  Men were, and are still meant to be in close-knit relationships that offer more than just a casual friendship.  

     I have learned from all the men I have interviewed and talked with over the past couple years that men who take the time to take down the walls; to let other men into the private workings of their hearts and minds, enjoy a life that is more balanced and content.  
I have found that men who experience SSA or SGA benefit from developing close intimate relationships with other men.  The strong desires to act out on those desires is greatly diminished, or often it even leaves.  When men are able to develop and enjoy meaningful intimate friendships life just gets better.  

     That just proves to me what I believe in my heart to be true.   We need each other and we are designed to be close.  When we deny that eternal need to bond with our brothers, we deny the greatest blessings in our lives.  I for one love and enjoy the wonderful, meaningful friendships that I have developed over the years.  I have learned when I meet a man and feel a connection to him, and act on those feelings, the end result is always  meaningful life-blessing friendships.  

      It does take courage in today's world to admit you want a bromance in your life.  It takes courage to admit you might have a man crush.  Does that mean you are gay? It doesn't have to.  It means you are following the God-given desire to enjoy closer, more meaningful relationships with your eternal brothers.  I for one enjoy great Bormances in my life  and I do have an occasional man crush.  The benefit is I have many wonderful friends that bless my life in ways you cannot understand until YOU experience a Bromance of your own.   

Have a great one.

Brad

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