Avoiding Heartbreak among Friends

In our recent JADE meeting we had some amazing training by one of our Members. .  The training was excellent and I asked for a copy to post for those who could not make the meeting, and for those who wanted to read it again.   The only thing missing is the group involvement, but the message is fantastic.    I post it here with the presenters permission  We have withheld the names of those involved,  we honor each others privacy in all things.  I hope you enjoy the message and that you might find it helpful in your Journey.    Brad

Avoiding Heartbreak among Friends

JADE - January 5, 2016

Today, I want to talk about how my same sex attractions have led to some very unhealthy relationships, and what I'm doing to avoid that from happening again. I hope that my experiences and the tools and boundaries I use can be helpful to you. If not, at least you will understand where I'm coming from and what I'm personally doing to protect myself, and I hope you will respect that. 

I titled this presentation "avoiding heartbreak among friends" because I have a tendency to want to connect strongly to people, particularly men, and I've recently discovered why that is and what I need to do to avoid it. I've also discovered a good framework for what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like, which I will also share with you. 

Several of the things I will talk about tonight I think will be helpful things for all of us to employ in order to keep our JADE meetings safe and productive for all of us. I also think they will be helpful for us as we continue to relate to the world around us outside of JADE or similar meetings. Related to this, I'd like to introduce the concept of "clearing" and the general principle of transparency with each other for the purpose of building each other up and supporting each other in our quest to get healthy connections with other men, in a non-sexual way.

From the reading and research I have done in my process of same sex-attraction discovery, I've learned that many SSA guys struggle with one of two main extremes in relationships. On one end of the spectrum is defensive detachment and on the other is emotional dependency. 

Defensive detachment happens when we self-protectively close ourselves off from intimate relationships. Most of us who struggle with defensive detachment are the last to believe we have a problem. In fact, we tend to be the ones who are proud of not having problems. Common characteristics of people with defensive detachment include:

• Anger
• Humor and sarcasm
• Isolation
• Self-sufficiency
• Control (being the one to ask questions; not answering them)
• Selective disclosure - talking about things we've overcome; avoiding talking about things we're currently struggling with. 
• Compulsions and addictions - work, alcohol, drinking, drugs, binge TV watching
• Dressing down - to avoid attracting attention to ourselves
• Avoidance of touch or physical contact
• Focus conversations on topics to avoid personal issues
• Impossibly high standards for friendships
• Tendency toward pornography and anonymous sex to avoid connection.  

On the other end of the spectrum is Emotional Dependency, which is defined as the condition that results when the ongoing presence and nurturing of another is believed to be necessary for personal security. This is similar to the term "enmeshment" when it is applied to a non-familial relationship, or "co-dependence" which can be defined as being psychologically influenced or controlled by, reliant upon, or needing another person to fulfill one's own needs or to complete oneself. That is, when your worth, peace of mind, inner stability, and happiness are anchored in one other person and on that person's response to you, you are emotionally dependent. Some characteristics of emotional dependence include the following:

• Experiencing jealousy and possessiveness and a desire for exclusivity
• Preferring to spend time alone with our friend and feeling frustrated when we see him with others
• Feeling irrational anger, shame, or depression when our friend withdraws even slightly
• Viewing other relationships as "flat" or boring compared to this one. 
• Experiencing romantic or sexual feelings leading to fantasy
• Becoming preoccupied with our friend's appearance, personality, problems, and interests. 
• Refusing to make short or long term plans without considering him. 
• Unable to see the other's faults realistically, or at all. 
• Expressing physical affection beyond that which is appropriate for a friendship
• Referring frequently to our friend in conversation.
• Exhibiting affection and familiarity with our friend that makes others to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. 

While I certainly struggle with characteristics in each of these extremes, I have gotten myself in the most trouble with emotional dependence. With SSA guys, it is sometimes so wonderful to be able to relate to someone who "understands me" that I just dive quickly into an enmeshed relationship. And, if I'm particularly physically attracted to him, it is just a matter of time before flattery turns to manipulative flirtation and admiration turns to obsession. So, I have to establish boundaries and use tools to help me avoid getting my heart broken and to develop healthy relationships.    

I’m not going to spend a lot of time going into why I tend to become emotionally dependent, but I do know that I’m naturally sensitive and that I've always yearned for deeper relationships than most people are willing to give. I'm also aware that recognition of SSA in another guy, or "gaydar" as it is known, tends to create an unnatural compassion and longing to relate that I don't feel with other men even if I do relate to them on other levels. I think with SSA guys, I feel sympathetic and want to be comforted and offer comfort. So, what we do here, with safe holding and touch, as well as sharing our struggles with each other, allows me to make that connection, but without the sex.  

However, for me, I need to take it a step farther. I've realized that I just can't be in a friendship with another SSA guy. Nearly every time I have had a friendship with an SSA guy, it has led to some level of sexual expression, whether it is kissing, touching each other's penises, or more. So, I've set a couple of boundaries for myself. The first is never being alone with another SSA guy. You'll notice that I won't have lunch, workout, run, bike, or do anything with any of you alone. It always has to be at least three of us. And, because I'm trying to re-establish trust with my wife, she prefers that I only have lunch or breakfast with two or more of you in association with JADE related events, such as a weekend hike. Another boundary that I have is not becoming exclusive with any of you. I try very hard to spend time with everyone here to the extent you and I both feel comfortable doing so.  I legitimately can find something attractive about most men, and the more I get to know all of you, the more I like you. So, it is best for me to not get too connected to any of you, but to be appropriately connected with all of you when we have a JADE event.  I have found that exclusivity eventually leads to enmeshment, and once I'm there, I lose myself and my sensibilities and end up getting very hurt when it ends. 

So, what does a healthy friendship among SSA guys look like? Here are some qualities that are indicative of good health in a friendship that I'm striving for:

• Free and generous: Though I may experience twinges of jealousy when one of my friends hits it off with someone else, basically I want to be comfortable in sharing my friends. I try to appreciate you all and enjoy all of your company without the urge to possess or control. 
• Built over time: With some of you, I feel a "kindred spirit". With others of you I feel "chemistry". But I've realized through former 80 mile an hour relationships that have crashed and burned that even these instant connections need time.  Solid friendships are based upon shared experiences and growing trust and there is no way to rush this process. 
• Not self-serving: I desire to promote your growth for the sake of you, not so that I can gain anything from you. I'm intentional about acknowledging what I admire about you to build you up. 
• Directed outward, not inward: I've noticed that when friends and I start talking about the specialness of our friendship, I tend to get absorbed in or dwell on that idea of the relationship. I try to spend more time talking about our mutual interests, struggles, and topics outside of our relationship.  
• Built on strength: I think a healthy friendship calls forth the best in both of us. I want to support you and I want support from you in equal measures. I want our interactions to be joyful, healing, and uplifting. When this gets out of balance, co-dependence can easily develop. 

The physical, non-sexual touch we enjoy here, in connection with the development of healthy friendships, has had a huge impact on my life in a relatively short period of time, and I want to thank you all for that.  

I mentioned the ideas of "clearing" and transparency to you earlier, and so now I want to turn our attention to these ideas. Every once in a while, we are going to come across uncomfortable situations or issues among us that if not dealt with can cause hurt, anxiety, and withdrawal. Because what JADE offers is so important for all of us, and because it is difficult to find elsewhere, I think we can all agree that preserving it is worth an honest and sincere on-going effort.  I want to talk about clearing and transparency using a couple of examples as illustrations.  

Let's say that I'm very attracted to, and feel chemistry with someone in particular, and that being around him makes me want to violate my boundaries or worse. I think it would be helpful for all of us in the group to know that man triggers me so that you all understand why I might be avoiding him and so you can all help me be accountable to what I'm trying to accomplish in my life, which for me, includes recovery from sex addiction associated with the emotional dependency I talked about earlier. So, I'm going to propose that we allow opportunities during our JADE meetings to let men talk about who they are triggered by, and let the man talk about what he needs in regard to the attraction. I'd like to suggest that before a man makes such disclosures to the group, he first discloses his particular attraction to the other man and that they have agreement that it can be talked about in the larger group.  I believe this level of transparency and group awareness of dynamics among us will help us all protect ourselves from acting in ways that are contrary to our morals, behavioral standards, and boundaries. We will be able to collectively express concern and support each other's boundaries and goals regarding SSA and/or recovery from sexual addiction. 

Again, by way of example, I also want to bring up the concept of clearing. What I'm about to talk about has been cleared with the man that is the subject of my clearing. Last time we all met, a new man showed up at the door, and when I opened it and saw him, I realized that we had connected two years ago on Craigslist. While we never acted out together, we came pretty close to doing so, and it ended abruptly and uncomfortably, at least for me. After several communications by email, and getting to a point of being comfortable with each other, we had finally agreed to meet in person in a public place. And for his own reasons, he decided not to show up at the last minute when I was waiting for him at our agreed upon location. I felt rejected and never understood what I may have done or said to push him away. Again, this was almost two years ago, and that man was ____. I was shaken to my core by his presence in this place, and I had tremendous anxiety to the point of wanting to leave. But, I realized that he was here probably for the same reason I had come here months prior and that I needed to get to know this man and his pain and have the same level of compassion for him as I do for the rest of you. So, I positioned myself directly across from him in the room and listened to him talk and ask and answer questions. After the meeting, ______ and I talked on the phone and by text a couple of times about our former interactions and both of us came to terms with it. In the past, this kind of anxiety and shame would result in me seeking out validation through sex, or masturbating to alter my emotions. But this time, I dealt directly with my uncomfortable emotions and avoided doing things that go against my morals. _____, do you have anything you'd like to add?  

In both of these cases, there is an elimination of secrets. It is said in 12 step programs that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but is instead connection. Connection requires trust and transparency. While I know we do not all suffer from sex addiction, we all have the tendency to allow our secret feelings and attractions to motivate us to behave in ways that we aren't proud of or that don't jibe with our spiritual and moral standards.  So, I'm suggesting that we get in the habit of clearing with each other to keep each other safe and to support each other. My counselor calls this practice "spitting in your soup." If you know you have a tendency to overeat, you can spit in the second bowl of soup when you feel full to avoid indulging in the second bowl. If we are preemptive about our triggers, whether they are attractions or anxieties, we have a greater ability to enjoy the benefits offered by JADE.  

So, not only do I hope this lesson helps you avoid heartbreak among friends, I hope the things I've talked about can help us all build each other and support each other in this life through the Jonathan and David Experience. 

References

New Freedom for Men & Women: Coming out of Homosexuality. Bob Davies & Lori Rentzel

http://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on-setting-boundaries-in-enmeshed-relationships/

http://soulselfhelp.on.ca/coenmesh.html

Straight Man, Gay Friend

   Ok,  So I have a lot of friends that struggle with SGA, or Same Gender Attraction.  I have a lot of friends that don't struggle with SGA, but they do struggle with how to deal with or handle men that have that struggle or they struggle with just developing good friends.

    Truth be known,  you probably already have a good friend that struggles with SGA or you might have a friend that just struggles  making friends  but just cannot bring himself to tell you about his struggle, and even a greater truth is he is aching to confide in you but is  afraid of what you will think.  And if the truth be known, even a greater truth, he needs you and desires your support and love and understanding.

     So the big question is what can you do to help a friend that struggles with SGA or a friend that struggles with making friends.  I by all means am not an authority on this topic, but I have learned a few things over the years and feel it's time to share with you some of the things I have learned and discovered in my journey.

    Most men ache or desire a connection with another man,  SGA or not. Most men don't want to admit short comings or weaknesses, at least what society labels as such.  Most of us  want to keep up the appearance of how in control we are and how together we are.  So we go along hiding behind our masks.  On the other hand there are some of us that prefer that some things just stay behind the masks.  If we stay hidden we don't have to deal with it.  We often for example might think a friend struggles with SGA, but we just won't go there for fear of judging or even a greater fear, what do I do, what will he think of me?   It's more comfortable knowing but not knowing.  We don't have to deal with it if we don't acknowledge it.  To be perfectly honest that is a poor choice.  The reason that it is a poor choice is that your friend needs you and what you can give him and you need him and what he can teach you.  He is most likely living in fear of your judgements of him and afraid he will lose your valued friendship.  In the process both are missing out on great learning experiences.

     Lets get some facts straight here.  Just because a man struggles with SGA does not mean he wants to have sex with you.  So your safe.  And just because he loves you as a friend does not mean he desires more than friendship from you.  Your still safe.  What does it mean though.

    Most likely it means he admires you and trust you and wants to be your friend.  And if he is attracted to you,  whats the big deal anyway.  Take is as a complement.  He thinks your great,  he may even think your handsome, charming, and yes even sexy,  your still safe.

     In our society we keep up borders to protect ourselves and in the process we deny ourselves meaningful deep personal healthy relationships that bless us and others that we let into our lives.  Friendship, really true friendships develop when we allow others into lives and when we let others in the private areas of our hearts.

      So, back to the question of what we can do to help others and help ourselves.

#1 Transparency,  Be transparent,  meaning don't hide who you are or what you are.   We all need to practice being more open and letting others see us for who we are and what we are.  That often means taking off the mask and removing the walls.  It's a hard thing to do, but so worth the effort.

#2  Try to understand.  Even though you don't deal with the same feelings or challenges, try to understand.  You may have no idea what it feels like to be attracted to other men,  or your friend may have no idea what it's like to to be attracted to women,   Just because you don't get it or he doesn't get it does not mean it's not real and you can't be friends in a very deep meaningful way.

#3 Ask what you can do to help, and listen to what they are saying.  And be willing to help.  That's the big thing.  Be willing to help.  So often we sexualize everything, from hugs to looks.   Honestly most men that I know that struggle with SGA are good men, God fearing men, that have a challenge that they are trying to deal with in a very personal powerful way.  Research has found that when these men can connect in a positive healthy way with other men they are able to handle and deal with the struggles they have and to perfectly honest part of the problem is the disconnect with men.

#4  Be a friend,  a real friend,  not just a friend that is a friend if you think the same, but a friend that can love you no matter what.  True friends strive to understand and help,  even when they don't understand they don't run, they stay and learn.

#5  Relax,  you just might learn some things about yourself that you didn't know.  For example, hugging can be great, or watching a chick flick with another man can be fun or you might discover he has a whole different outlook on how to skin a deer or how to hook a worm,  you never know what life will reward you with when you step outside your comfort zone and learn to love someone who thinks different.

#6  Establish boundaries. Meaning that we all can establish boundaries about how to handle our friendship.  Boundaries are good and should be respected on both sides of the friendship.  All men have different trigger points and as a friend we should respect our friends and their needs and where they draw the line.  If you have a friend and he cannot respect the boundaries you have set, perhaps he is not a friend after all.  Good friends learn, know, and respect the boundaries of each other, also in that is understanding the needs of each other also keeping it within your religious and personal beliefs.

I love and adore all my friends,  SGA friends and straight friends.  I learn from each of them and appreciate the journey each one is on.  For both I learn compassion and goodness.  I admire both for trying to be the best they can no matter what the challenge they are faced with.  You know,  we don't choose our challenges, but we can choose who we deal with them and how we help others deal with their challenges.  I choose to be loving and accepting,  and guess  what,  that can be done without having to lower my standards or change my boundaries.  I can choose to love regardless of choices of others and in the process I become a better man.

Men, open your hearts and love your brothers,  they need you and you need them.

Brad

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Everyone Has a Story, Learn to Listen

     
 I recently had a great opportunity to go on a weekend retreat.  It has had the greatest impact on my life.   The lessons learned there taught me things I needed to know and learn and as I go forward I am learning more and more from that experience.   I love it when we take the time to do hard things it continues to enrich long after the event.

        There were many wonderful things learned, but one that I have been thinking a lot about are the Stories everyone has.  Everyone has a story,  but often we never take the time to learn the story.   And often we tell ourselves their story, making it up as we go to justify how we feel or to make us feel better about how we feel about them.

       When we take a moment and learn the real story about someone or something, the whole story changes and our lives changes in the process.  Knowing the entire true story makes so much difference in how we perceive and treat others.

     As a young man I worked in a restaurant in Northern Arizona.  My boss was a good man.  Actually I adored him in every way.  When it was slow at night we would talk for hours and he would share his life with me and I learned things about him that I never would have learned or even guessed had we not taken the time to share.    In his mind he was just telling me stories, talking to pass the time, but in the process I learned some great lessons.  The stories he told me about his marriage made a great impact on me.  The stories he told me about choices he had made effected me deeply and left in me a greater desire to be a better person.

      Learning about his life changed my life and left a lasting impression on me.  When I left working for him to serve a mission for the LDS church he would write me letters and at the bottom of each letter he would write in bold letters.  "Learn to Listen".  That statement from him has taught me again and again how important it is to listen.  It is so funny how often times little things done without thinking can change lives.  I don't know if he really understands the impact he had on my life and the impact of knowing the whole story has changed my story.  For 35 years I have thought about that statement, Learn to Listen,  and I have applied it to so many things.

      Learn to Listen,  how great life would be if we could Learn to Listen to the stories of those around us.  Spoken and unspoken.  Both could be profound in so many ways.  Unspoken stories are sometimes the most revealing and powerful.  When we take time to Listen to what is not being said and learn to respond to those stories it can have life changing results.  I am trying to be better at that.  When we Listen with our eyes and our hearts much can be learned about a person.  Often times we ignore the real message because we judge by what we see or think we know before we listen to the real story.

    Learning to listen takes work.  The first thing we need to do is to keep quit.  Close our mouths and listen with our hearts open and accepting.  Everyone has a story and when we hear and FEEL that story our lives are changed.   Not only are our lives changed, but importantly we can change the life of the person telling the story and sometimes the miracle is in the listening.

    In every part of my life I am surrounded by stories.  Some of the stories bring me tears, others bring me joy, but the most important thing that happens to me is understanding.  I am able to look at each person with a deeper love and acceptance as I come to understand they have a story and their story is why they are the way they are.

     When I think of the Savior and how he can love us unconditionally,  I think it has to do with the fact that he knows our story.  He knows what we have been through.  He knows all the heart ache we feel, the joys and sorrows that have made us who we are and no matter how messy,  he sees the complete story and because of that he is able to love us completely.  Through his grace we can learn the stories of those that are placed in our path and through that knowledge we can lift and love in a deeper more meaningful way.

     Learning to Listen is one of the most powerful ways to build relationships and friendships that are meaningful and powerful in that when  we know the story we can love deeper and we have the ability to lift higher and are hearts are filled with compassion and understanding.

    Just one last thought,  learning to listen is so important, equally important is letting others listen to your story.  If you have challenges in your life with people,  maybe they need to hear your story.  It is not enough to learn their story,  they just might need to hear yours and especially if they are trying to listen.

    Everyone, including you has a story and each story is different and wonderful and worth hearing.
LEARN TO LISTEN and your life will be filled with richness and joy.  As as you listen,  love and lift, in the process your compassion and understanding will increase.

Have a joyful day.
Brad


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Affirmations of Truth, the stories we tell ourselves.

     Recently I had a life changing experience.  Literally a life changing experience.  One of those experiences that leave you totally changed and exhausted for days.  Actually for weeks.   And when my feet finally touched the ground, I realized I was a better person and the experience did actually change my life.

     Let me explain, We live our lives through stories we tell ourselves and we actually believe those stories.  The stories start from a young age and some of the stories, actually most of the stories are stories that others tell us about ourselves.   Often times  the stories told, at least in my life were hurtful and hard.   We don't want to believe them, but when those stories are told again and again we start to believe them and live them.  Some of the stories are good and some of the stories are bad.

     Funny thing is we want to believe the bad stories and I guess for me the reason is that the bad stories were repeated most often.   I didn't want to believe them, but took them in and believed that if so many believed the story and told me the story,  I must be wrong and they must be right.

     The stories that have the most impact on us are one's told when we are young.  Our minds absorb them and we believe them and those stories are the hardest to get away from.  I have learned how important it is that we tell our children and everyone around us good stories about themselves.  Stories like you are good,  your wonderful,  your talented, your fun, etc.  I love the book the Help,  the part where the maid tells the little girl, "You is good, You is Special".   How often do many of us go through life and especially childhood and never hear those words.   It can have a dramatic effect on us and our entire lives, the stories we are told when young.  Good or bad stories effect us deeply.

    The stories I remember from my youth that were told time and time again was that I had no value.  I was never good enough,  I was a sissy and many many other hurtful and hard things.  I was thinking recently that for the first 18 years of my life I could not remember ever really feeling wanted or loved.   I believed the stories that were told and I retold them to myself for years.   It is amazing how we can come to believe such stories and it is also so amazing how our belief in those stories effect every part of our lives.

     So, back to the story.   I went on a weekend retreat of sorts.  Part of the retreat was designed to help us see the stories we tell ourselves and come to terms about them.  For example some of the questions asked were:

Is the story or belief true?
How do you react when you think about the story or belief?
Is this your own story or one from someone else you adopted?
Is there a benefit to holding on to this story?
Can you turn it around?

     It was an amazing experience to take a good look at the stories I have told myself for years and years and discover that the story had changed,  and mostly it was never true to begin with.  As the retreat continued, I was able to change the story and in the process my heart softened and my life has been changed.  I left with an overwhelming realization of how harmful we can be to ourselves as we allow those stories to be believed.  I left the retreat with an overwhelming feeling of peace and joy as I was able to leave some of the most painful stories behind and start to believe in good stories.

     Now when I struggle,  I ask myself those questions and work out the story in my mind and usually I am able to turn it around and take a better look at who I really am and not believe the stories I have told myself and the stories others have told me in the past and present.  

     The real story about me and everyone is that we are sons and daughters of God with unlimited potential for good.  The real story is that we are harder on ourselves then we should be and we spend to much time focusing on the weaknesses,  that in truth are only a small part of the picture, and not enough time focusing on all the good within, that in truth is the big part of the picture.  Can you imagine the power we could have when we come to the understanding that we are children of God and when we truly understand that with that comes the ability to overcome great challenges  and become great in the process.

      I came away from my life changing experience with the firm affirmation that despite is all,  "I am a Good Man".   We are all good men and women with unlimited potential for doing good.  Despite the stories told,  this is the real story about each and every one,  WE ARE GOOD.   I hope that you can dismiss the harmful stories you tell yourself and replace them with strong affirmations of goodness and joy.  And most of all I hope we all come to understand how important it is that the stories we tell others about them only lift and encourage and leave them feeling good about who they are.  After all, a good story or a bad story can effect anothers life for years.  I choose to tell good stories.

Brad

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The Debilitating Power of Shame

Over the past few months I have been totally amazed at how quickly we can be to shame someone for  things going on in their lives.  In more particular we are quick to shame when we don't understand or accept a certain lifestyle, habit, or mindset.  I have watched how shame causes heartache and confusion in the lives of those affected.  Both the one being shamed and the one shaming.

I ask a few simple Questions.

What is the reason we choose to shame someone in the first place?
Do we think by shaming them we will get the desired result from them?
Does the act of shaming make me feel better about who I am?
Does the act of shaming make others feel better about who they are?
Does the shaming cause change or the desire to be better?

Question #1
What is the reason we choose to shame someone in the first place?  I have observed that when we choose to shame someone we are often filled with lack of understanding.   We act out on fear of what they are doing and most often the person we are shaming is close to us and we are consumed at how what they are doing will make us look.  Often it is not about them at all.  We are worried that someone will judge us because of what they are doing.  For example,  a wife that finds out that her husband struggles with Same Gender Attraction (SGA) shames him,  she is not thinking about the burden he  carries,  instead she most often struggles with what others will think of her.  Questions like,  Am I not good enough for him, and what have I done wrong.   Filled with these questions shame is piled on the man  when what he really needs is understanding and compassion.  Shame should never be applied or used, especially when someone is struggling with what we may consider a weakness.  We use shame as a shield to protect our image and our hearts.  When we strike with shame it justifies us and our feelings.  Yet in the process it destroys the trust and love of those we are shaming.

Question #2
Do we think by shaming them we will get the desired result from them?  Shame has never or never will give someone the desire to improve.  I should state that someone should feel regret for his actions, but shame is not the motivating power to get someone to even take a closer look at what we might consider a weakness.  Once again I will use the example of SGA.  Many who struggle with this are already filled with shame and frustration.  Does anyone for a moment think that anyone who struggles with this asked for this struggle.  Absolutely not and by shaming them we only add to the huge burden they already carry.  Shame does not lift or comfort,  it pulls one down deeper into despair and frustration.  If we really want someone to grow from the struggle they have we must put shame aside and open our hearts to love and understanding.  Even when we have no clue or comprehension what they are struggling with.  Shame does not heal,  it opens the wounds deeper and deeper until all hope is lost.

Question #3
Does the act of shaming make me feel better about who I am?
If we feel better after shaming someone who is struggling with any challenge we need to take a good look at our hearts.  I find myself examining my heart on a regular basis and find I need a constant reminder to remember that I have challenges of my own that others do now understand and so I try not to judge or shame those around me that are struggling.  Simple things that we might find offensive are often nothing in reality and the person who does them often times is unaware that what he is doing is offensive.  Often times when they are aware of what they are doing,  they are fighting the battle of personal shame.  We are our worst enemies when it comes to shame.  We really don't need anyone else doing it for us,  we do fine on our own.

Question #4
Does the act of shaming make others feel better about who they are?
I don't know anyone who feels better or has gained strength to improve after being shamed.  I believe that it just pulls one down and takes away the desire to be better.   On the other hand when we love and lift and encourage others who are struggling they move forward with faith and joy knowing that someone believes in them.  Kindness always wins and understanding always brings out the best in others.  Shame only destroys and often the heart is so tender that it takes very little shame to do a lot of damage.

Question #5
Does the shaming cause change or the desire to do better?
NO, NO, NO.   Shame is a horrible, mean, damaging thing to do.  If we want change in those around us we need to love, lift, and understand.  Only when we can put ourselves in the shoes of another and really try to see where they are coming from can we begin to have the power to lift others out of the shame they feel.  Shame is not a fix it all.  Shame does not bring about the desire to change.  We are not helping the struggling person when we try to shame them.  We need to be lifters and encourager's to build faith and confidence that no matter what we can all rise above any challenge we might have and live a life devoid of shame inflicted on us by others and ourselves.  We should never define ourselves by the shame we feel.  We are so much greater in every respect then the shame we bring upon ourselves or the shame that is inflicted upon us.

Shame only leads to frustration and heartache.  It does not build and strengthen.   Shame, I believe, takes away from the Divine Power of Grace.  Blessed be the person who comes to understand the Worth of a Soul and sees beyond the weakness or fault and can lift and love another without shaming them, even when we don't understand the burden they are carrying.

Greatest success to each of you as you learn to lift others above the personal shame they may be feeling.
Brad

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Affection or Attraction What is the Difference...

Today a very dear friend called and we had the most interesting discussion ever about Affection vs Attraction.  It was something I have been thinking about and it was so wonderful to hear those thoughts coming from him.  It was just what I needed to inspire me to write a new blog.  But...

....First let me tell you about this friend.   We meet a few years ago.  I have known his family for awhile, taught classes for members of his family and knew his wife well, but I had never had the opportunity of meeting him.  

Until one night when I was in the area where he lives teaching classes I get a call from him.  He stated that he had been thinking about me and wondered if he could come where I was staying and spend some time getting aquinted with me.  At the time I was staying at his parents home so it made it easy.  He came for the evening and we sat in the jaquisie and talked for hours.  From that night on we have been best friends.  Really best friends.  We love each other completly and totally enjoy life when we are together.  We live in different states, but we talk when we can and completly enjoy our friendship.  He is one of those friends that I feel I have know forever and we are so comfortable with each other.  He tells how for a few nights he could not sleep thinking about me and wanting to meet me.  I am so glad he followed that feeling for now we share a really close wonderful friendship.  Once when we were talking on the phone, after we hung up his wife commented, "You guys really love each other don't you".  He laughed and said "I guess we do".  

He even made the effort once to travel from where he lives to experience "Third Sunday Dinner" at my home and my family loved him and enjoyed his company as much as I do.  We are years apart in age,  my family is raised and he is right in the middle of it all, so we don't have a lot of time together, but it does not matter.  Friends like that just pick up where they left off.  He totally makes me want to be a better person and his insight and thought process gets me thinking.  I throw some pretty crazy stuff at him and he is always prepared and understands exactly where I am coming from.   This friend has absolutely no Same Gender Attraction.  

From him I have learned to be more Christlike in my dealings and I have learned that no matter where we are in life we can benifit from each other.  I have learned that really good friendships don't require a lot of time and when we follow impressions great things happen.  From his friendship I have learned just how large the human heart can be and that there is always room for more.  I love meeting like minded men,  meaning men that understand the true value of healthy meaningful intimate, non sexual relationships with other men.  These relationships are priceless.  My friend, I thank you for your friendship and constant encouragement in all things.  Forever grateful to have your friendship, your family, your time, your goodness,  and brotherly love.    Now back to the article....

So one day he sent me this text.....

There is a difference from affection and attraction.  Affection is something that is a gift of God.  It is built around the pure love of God.  It allows us to get emotionally close to someone.  Attraction is something we learn over time and caused because of the affection we have toward someone or something.  I am attracted to the vagina.  But I learned that over time.  When I was a boy, I was naturally affectionate towards women (my mom). Later I became affectionate towards girls.  But it wasn't until I was exposed to the vagina multiple times that I began to like it.  Attraction causes us to to act upon our affection.  My son is affectionate towards a young girl.  But if u showed him a vagina, he'd likely gross out.  Affection towards people of the same sex is not a bad thing.  It is when we act upon attraction which is physical which is bad.

So very well said.  It got me thinking a lot about physical vs. spiritual in relationships.   So I changed a couple parts of his text to not offend, but you get the picture.  We had a lengthy discussion on this topic and this is my angle on what he said.  

Affection in natural and as he stated it is a gift from God.  I agree.  In my thinking affection is spiritual.  It is love and we feel it towards as many as we will allow ourselves to love.  There are no limits on affection or love.  We are free to love or feel affection to whoever we want and as many as we desire.  Affection is pure and clean and has nothing to do with phycisal.  It is a feeling in the heart about how we feel towards someone.  It is a warm feeling and when we feel it we feel good.  There is no regret associated with affection and it can grow.  Affection can be with anyone and is totally acceptable and actually completely needed in our lives. Affection has eternal increase, meaning it will continue to grow forever when based upon good principles.  True affection is not selfish, does not know evil,  it has the power to lift  and uplift ourselves and more importantly those we are affectionate with.  

And Affection can lead to Attraction.  

Attraction is often physical.  Meaning that is it is usually based on physical things.  Like looks.  Attraction does often cause affection.  Often it is the attraction that leads us to make a friend in the first place.  But if we base the entire relationship on attraction, it leads to physical.  Physical is what can cause the damage in a relationship.  Physical is selfish.  It is about filling selfish needs.  When the physical overshadows the affection it can become an issue when acted upon in an inappropriate manner.  The entire challenge of this life is to overcome the physical man, or the natural man  Remember the "Natural Man is an Enemy to God".  Scripture states that is has been and always will be.  Scripture also tells us to "Put off the Natural Man".   

The Natural Man is motivated by physical things and attractions.  The spiritual man is motivated by affection and does not allow the physical to rule his life or actions.   Yes it can be hard and difficult to do that, especially when we are physical and it is a powerful part of who we are.  

I love the affection I have and feel towards my friends and I enjoy the affection they feel towards me. It lifts me in positive ways that bring me more light and understanding.  I enjoy more peace and joy in my life when I put aside the physical and lean towards the affectionate side of my nature.  

We are beings created to both physical and affectionate, spiritual.   

Thank you my good friend for a great thought provoking text.   

I truly hope each of you have the joy in building affectionate friendships that can bring you joy and happiness today and for years to come.  

Brad

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Be Careful How You Judge

Frequently  I am approached by someone, or someone asks one of my children if I am Gay.  I makes me laugh how quickly we are to judge by what we hear or what we see.  I have been posting on a blog for the past year,  It's called the Jonathan and David Experience,  it is a blog designed to help men who struggle with SGA, Same Gender Attraction.    I started the blog out of a need to help men who are struggling and need support, guidance, love, and direction.  It has been a great blessing and yet at the same time really hard.  The hard part is dealing with narrow minded people who assume that just because one involves himself in a worthwhile cause he must have problems of his own.  I decided to write a blog to educate everyone just were I stand.  So judge for yourself and please  in the future when you make judgements on people, get the whole story and keep in mind that judgements made without knowing all the details can hurt and cause harm to many, those you judge and who knows how many countless others you will affect by your judgements. 

I have never considered myself a gay man.  However, after all is said and done, most people think I am. It does make me laugh, Let me explain.  The first 18 years of my life were pure hell.  I was raised in a small town in northern Arizona.  As a child I was different from the other children.  I loved playing with dolls,  dressing up in my mom’s clothes, writing poems, and planting flowers.  The hard part was that I was raised in a home filled with what I call “macho idiots”.  These were men who did not understand that a boy could behave in a way other than how they thought a boy or man should behave.  In their minds, real men did certain things; real men did not do the things I did.  It was a difficult situation to say the least.  I really did try to do ‘boy things’.  I tried sports just to make the men in my life happy.  That is what they wanted after all, and so I really tried to please, only to fail and then feel worse.

Home life was hard,  but school was even harder.  I was a sissy at home.  At school I was called a faggot.  To this day I hate both of these words.  I had absolutely no friends to speak of and was beaten up frequently at school, spit on, bullied, and verbally abused by everyone at school and at home.

My parents divorced when I was twelve and that only added to the confusion and abuse.  Her husbands were abusive and difficult and resented me and my feminine ways.  I was extremely effeminate and as I look back I understand completely why I was judged to be gay.

My father, a good man, had absolutely no understanding of me and my girlish ways.  He tried, but had no clue how to raise an effeminate boy.  He told me once in a fit of anger that I was a girl in a boy’s body.  Those words cut clear to the bone and are not easily set aside or easy to forget. I craved his love and attention.  My brothers got all they needed from him.  They understood each other.  After all they were real boys and I was something he just could not understand.  At one point I thought I hated my dad, but realized it was not hate but a desire to have him love me and acknowledge who I was.

I really cannot remember very many pleasant times prior to age eighteen. At an early age I started working in the cafe business, I was constantly surrounded by women which contributed to my feminine ways and was constantly propositioned by men patrons to do things.  I was sexually abused as a teenager by a man who took advantage of my vulnerable state and the need to be loved.

Growing up my family was not active in church.  I tried and had the deep desire to do so, but each time I tried I felt out of place and was often rejected by judgmental church members who did not understand what I was going through.   We moved around a lot and I would try to go to seminary and church and do what I felt was right, but I cannot ever remember feeling accepted or wanted in any church setting.

When I was eighteen, I had an experience one evening that set my course for life.  I was involved in some things that I should not have been doing.  Nothing too serious, but wrong nonetheless.  At one point I was handed a mirror and as I looked in the mirror I saw the reflection of what I thought was Satan.  He was laughing at me and as he laughed at me I heard him say, ”I have you now, just where I want you”.  It scared the crap out of me.  I left the party and called my Bishop and met with him.  Since then I have learned that when the Devil thinks he has won, God always steps in.  The trick is to follow him when he steps in.  I did.

I changed my life and started going to church.  It was hard.  I was still the same effeminate person I always had been.  Because of the small town in which I lived , the people had their opinions of me.  But I stayed the course.  It was the hardest year of my life as I gave up bad habits for new ones.

At one point in that year I came to a conclusion: Everyone thought I was gay and I had to make a decision about who I was.  I didn't know if I loved men or not at that age.  I had never really had many male friends, or crossed the line with inappropriate behavior,  but whatever the course I made a life changing decision during that year.  I told myself that I was not gay and no matter what I felt or what others told me, first and foremost I would follow the Savior and do whatever he asked of me.  I decided that I would keep the commandment at whatever cost, not matter how I felt or what I wanted.

Thirty seven years later after many years of battling same gender attraction (SGA), for me it was more a deep love for men rather than a sexual attraction or need, and coming to understand who I am, I have discovered that the choice I made so many years ago kept me on the path that God wants me on.  There have been major challenges and obstacles to overcome and understand.  I have recently come to understand that  since I made the choice to follow Him no matter what, he has blessed me with an amazing understanding of who I am and why I struggled with those deep loving feelings for men for so long.  Through obedience to Him and my complete desire to follow Him, He has opened the doors of personal revelation and I understand my feminine qualities and attraction to other men are indeed gifts from God; If used in His way this can and indeed will bless my life and the lives of so many others in ways that I am just starting to understand.

So yes,  according to the world’s standard, I might be considered GAY.  But in my eyes I am a man that has a deep Christ like love for men and in God’s eyes I am a son of God with specific talents and abilities, that if used for good can become and have become my greatest blessings and gifts from a loving Heavenly Father.  I am proud to be a man that loves other men in a healthy Christlike way, and I am proud to be a man who chooses to follow the Savior no matter what.  Life is hard, but as we take the challenges we have been given and trust in the Lord,  all things will come to light and we will come to understand our divine missions and stewardships here on earth.

I have come to understand that one of my missions is to teach other men what I have learned and help them understand that indeed we can have deep loving healthy relationships with other men. In fact I have learned that as we move forward and learn to love other men in a healthy non sexual way our lives are enriched and blessed in ways that exceed our understanding.

I am grateful for the challenges I have had and I am most grateful for the knowledge that when we follow the Savior we receive all we need to battle what life gives us. I am happy to have so many loving men friends in my life that bless me in so many ways and I look forward to many more as I have come to understand that one of God's greatest gifts He gives us is a heart with an unlimited ability and capacity to love as deeply and as many as we want. The only restrictions he places on loving others is to keep it within the bonds He has set.

Greatest Joy and Success to you in your own personal journey and please be careful how you judge, you never know what is on another's heart.

Brad

Become a member,(on the side panel) and recieve notice when we post a new blog entry. You can also respond, comment or ask for informations about our JADE group by using the link on the top of the side panel.  Thank you.