The Sweet Intimacy of Friendship

This picture is great.  I love the feeling of intimacy it brings.  Many are offended and read sexual
things into this.  To me it's a sweet picture of the healthy intimacy we can have as brothers and friends.
There is nothing sexual about two men holding hands and the connection can be one of healing
and comfort and positive affirmation of friendship.  

Intimacy in friendship is one of the most controversial topics in today's homophobic world.  Everyone is so afraid of being labeled that we avoid intimacy in our relationships with other men.  It drives me crazy that we cannot enjoy and experience more intimate personal relationships with the men we love and the men who are part of our lives.

Lets face it,  women enjoy those types of friendships.  It is nothing to see two women holding hands or embracing each other or simple holding to comfort or just for the pure joy of holding.  But heaven forbid if a man does that.  He is stared and instantly labeled.  Our society has lost the comfort level of men being able to express and enjoy more intimate relationships.

I personally think that the majority of men desire and actually need this kind of friendship.  Ok, there are those who would absolutely  disagree, but I think the ones that fight it the most are actually craving a deeper more intimate relationship with the men in their lives, but are afraid to step up and admit it.  

Just what is a Intimate Friendship?   Good question and one that I am happy to share my thoughts on.

First off let me explain a little bit about me.  I was raised in a home where there was absolutely no touch from men.  My dad is a wonderful man, but he was raised in a home where he had no father and really didn't understand the need his son might have.    So I grew up "touched starved".  On top of that I never had buddies or guys that I really hung out with.  I craved for friendship and acceptance from men and actually everyone.  I don't once ever remember being help or even touched in an appropriate way by another man in my entire childhood.  As I grew older the need for touch and positive affirmations grew.  I am a firm believer that touch is an integral part of the growing process in life.  Affirmitive touch builds confidence and self esteem.  There are thousands of studies that prove this is true, but I am convinced by my own experience that this is true.  As a young teenager and young adult I struggled beyond description and suffered with self esteem problems that effected all parts of my life.

The first time I was really held by a man was on my mission.  I had a horrible first few months on my mission.  All the self doubt and confusion came to the surface and I was on my way out when God blessed me with the most amazing companion ever.  He got it and he understood the deep need I had to be loved and accepted.  Please understand as I tell you this that there was never anything inappropriate in our companionship, but our love for each other was deep and healing for me.  There were times when this companion would just hold me.  It was salve to my entire soul.  I don't think to this day he knows the amazing miracle that occurred during that process.  It was not just once but many times he would just hold me and hug me.   Never speaking, just holding and letting me feel the power of his love.  Words cannot describe how comforting and healing this was to to me.

As I was writing this article I called him and asked him if he remembered that experience.  He most certainly did.  This is what he told me.  "I had never to that point been a very hugging person, but I felt a need in you and I took it to the Lord in prayer and asked him if it was ok,  the answer I got was absolutely, so I hugged and held you".

I am so grateful for a young man that listened to what God wanted and even stepped out of his comfort level to hold another man who needed healing and comfort from touch.

What would the world be like if there were more men like him around, meaning men that will do what needs to be done inspirte of what is considered normal and appropriate.  I believe that there are thousands and thousands of men who need to be held and touched in a healthy clean way.  I believe that there are men who seek other things to feel a need that is not being met by healthy touch in their friendships.

One of the most important things I have learned in my life is how valuable touch can be in our friendships.  I love the power and intimacy it can bring into a friendship.  Another thing  I have learned is that many men ache for that type of connection.

Whether a man struggles with Same Gender Attraction or not, it is a need for a lot of men.  Those that do struggle with Same Gender Attraction absolutely need to have healthy appropriate touch.  If your reading this and wondering how to help your friend,  may I suggest a few things you can do to build your friendship and ease the pain your friend may be suffering.

#1  Be transparent in your relationship with him. Meaning talk with out judgement and try to understand where he is coming from.  Understand that just because a man struggles with SGA or just wants healthy touch, does not mean he wants to have sex with you or do anything inappropriate.   In our homophobic world we stay away from touch for fears that have no truth.   Real friendships require transparency, understanding, and openness.

#2  Ask what your friend needs.  Understand that it might be difficult for you, but he knows that.  Probably an embrace would be the best place to start.  I say embrace because that requires a hug longer than 3 seconds.  A really good embrace can last for minutes.

#3   Understand that touch can break down walls and build strength in friendships like nothing else.  Don't be afraid to show how you feel and express how you feel in words and actions.  A simple touch can convey a multitude of feelings and acts like clue in bonding you together in a more intimate healthy way.

#4  I love the scriptures in the Old Testament.  The Story of Jonathan and David are precious to me.  In all my friendships I try to remember what Jonathan told David and I firmly believe this is the secret to a healthy meaningful life changing friendship.  Jonathan told David  "The Lord is between me and thee",  how can a friendship go wrong when the Lord or who ever the God is you worship is between you and your friend.  Powerful and life changing when we follow our hearts and learn to love in a more intimate and sweeter way.

(Just a note, Please don't worry about unintentional erections.  That is what happens to men when any kind of touch is involved and most often unintentional erections are not a sexual thing, just the body working and doing what it was designed to do.  The fear of erections keep men from sharing healthy touch and holding and ultimately forming intimate friendships.  Just get over it.  Erections happen.)

The Sweet Intimacy of Friendship can be a sweet as we desire.  For me I love connecting with my friends on an intimate clean healthy way.  It's been over thirty years since I served my mission but my heart is still filled with gratitude for a young man who understood just how important touch can be in healing.  Through his holding me, my heart was healed and I was able to serve better.   I have tried to learn the skills in my life and I have seen miracles happen personally and in the lives of many many men how seek and need healthy appropiate affirming touch.  From holding hands to holding each other we can heal and mend broken hearts by our actions and by offering and extending our love and care to others in the form of healing touch.

The Sweet Intimacy of Friendship can bring a life long journey of joy and sweetness.  The old phone phrase "Reach out and touch someone has reached a new meaning in our touch deprived society.

Have a great journey enjoying your friendships in a sweeter way.  Reach out and touch someone today.

Brad

The Lord is Between Me and Thee

  I love the story of Jonathan and David in the bible.  It is a story that gives me so much joy and insight on the wonderful relationships that men can enjoy between each other.   It is a perfect example of two men that loved each other and supported each other at all cost.

      Recently I was doing some research on the topic.  It was interesting to read insights from different persons and faiths on the story of Jonathan and David.  One of the most interesting was the strong opinion  that the relationship between Jonathan and David was a sexual relationship.  As I have read and re read this story I can find no evidence in this story that these two men acted in any way contrary to the laws of God, in fact all that I have read  points to the fact that they were covenant men of God.   As I researched their story and lives, I enjoyed the many stories of faith and strength of these two men and I enjoyed learning new things about them and their complete dedication to each other.

      Jonathan was to be the King.  It was his birthright and he was raised and trained to be the King.  His father Saul was the king and he was raised as a Prince, a powerful man.   The thing I love about Jonathan is his love and devotion to David.  God appointed David to be king and Jonathan never questioned this or was jealous of David.   In fact he saved David's life on many occasions to the very peril of his own life.  He went against his father the King to protect David many times and was always there for him to encourage him and be believed in him and he believed in his ability to be the king.  And most important he supported what he believed God had ordained.

     On David's side he should have been envious of Jonathan.  A Prince, born to be king, having lived in luxury  and good all his day's,  but David was never threatened by Jonathan,  he loved him and honored him and knew and acknowledged what Jonathan gave up to support him.  He promised Jonathan to care for he children and posterity for ever, a promise that he kept.  David was a shepherd boy and never dreamed that God would call him to be the King.  Can you imagine the conflict that could have been there between these two men, born in totally different circumstances and brought together,  it could have been a disaster, but due to the fact these were covenant men it was a great blessing for both of them.

      I love the sweet scriptures that explain the deep love they had for each other.  Clearly the scriptures captures this deep meaningful love between these two men.  The scriptures explains that their souls were knit together as one.  That is a very powerful description of two men loving each other.  Who could not weep when David explains his love for Jonathan was sweeter than his love for women.  And we know that David loved women.  I weep when I read this story and yearn for more intimate deep relationships in my life like the one these men had

     This story is one of beauty and depth.   I have found great comfort in this story as I have pondered men and how they can love each other.    I have gained great confidence in knowing that men can love each other without limits that today's world places on them.   This story clearly defines that men can love deeply without reservations.  It clearly teaches us that men can support, sustain, and protect each other.  It teaches that married men can have strong, healthy relationships with their friends that exceeds the norm.  It teaches that men can have meaningful soul binding friendships that have a sweetness different then the love a man feels for his wife, but at the same time enjoy that union as well.

     The most profound lesson I have learned from this story is the key in developing deep meaningful relationships with men.  I have read this story many times and it was just recently that I discovered this key.   It has become my new standard in developing friendships and in teaching other men how to develop relationships with each other.  Jonathan told David on several occasions "The Lord is between me and thee".   That is the key,  when we put the Lord in the middle of our friendships they have no chance for failure in anyway.

     That is now my standard,  Placing the Lord between me and friends.  How can one go wrong?  I look at the success of Jonathan and David's friendship and realize that the reason they had such success is that the Lord was between these covenant men and because of that they protected, lookout for, and loved each other in such a way as to bring awe and joy and a new level of understanding to relationships men can have with each other thousands of years after they lived and loved each other.  Thank you Jonathan and David for your example of just how deeply one man can and should love another man.

The Lord is between me and thee.
Brad

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Your Story, You Chose the Ending

Life is all about having fun.  Being crazy and enjoying the adventure.

I perfectly remember the day many years ago as if it were yesterday.  I had just returned from serving a mission for my faith for two years.  I was working in a Steak House,  and I had a great day job,  I had a Firebird Pontiac  car, (that's another story) and I had friends for the first time in my life.   Everything was great, except me.  I was not happy.  I complained all the time, whined about everything to everyone and just plain hated life.

My Grandmother was my best friend and worst enemy.  We loved each other, but both of us were so head strong.  I still am.  We fought all the time,  especially before my mission.  We would fight and I would leave and slam the door determined I would not come back.  In a few days I would show up again and we would laugh and start over again.   She was an amazing  woman and I know she loved me.

One particularly hard day I complained to her about everything that was going on in my life.  She listened as I told her about everything that was wrong.  It was crazy.  Later that day as I sat whining at work my spiritual leader showed up and sat me down and gave it to me.  Come to find out my Grandmother had called him and reported to him how miserable I was about everything.  That's how she was.

He totally gave it to me.  Wow.  As it turned out it was one of those days when I was ready to listen and learn.  He totally told me how out of line I was with all my whining and complaining.  And then he gently but with a firm hand told me that no matter how bad life was, and he named everything I has been complaining about.  From my job to my car door my mom had just dented,  he went down the list.  When he finished going down the list he said "Brad,  no matter how life is treating you, no matter what is wrong, you have the choice to be happy.  If your car is damaged,  if your job sucks, you make the choice, you choose to be happy.  It's a choice".

For some reason I actually listened and learned.  Happiness is a choice.  I am in charge of how I feel and I have learned no matter what I can choose to be happy.  And I have learned that I still need to be reminded of that from time to time.  It does get ruff sometimes and I have to remind myself that I am ultimately in control of my own personal happiness.

Our lives are stories.  Stories that can change, inspire, motive, and move forward whether we like it or not.  Our personal stories can be what ever we want them to be, sad, boring, happy, exciting, we choose.

The first few years of my life,  actually the first 18 years were really hard.  I was abused and struggled everyday to be happy.   I served a mission for two years and for the first 9 months I struggled with learning how to be happy and how to write a story that had meaning.

After my mission I struggled with life and with all the challenges I was faced with.  Life is a struggle in so many ways.  But the best medicine in life is to put on our "Emerald City Glasses" and go forward.  I have been accused of wearing those glasses often.  I decided once to take them off and see life for what it really is,  wow I decided it was much better with the glasses on.  In other words life is better when we look for the good and choose to be happy.

Often the hardest things in life have the easiest solutions and the easy things seem the hardest.   It is easy to say "I choose to be happy" and hard to actually do it.  It takes practice and persistence, but as in all things the more we try the better we get.

Each of us have hard challenges.  In fact I don't know one single person who is challenge free.  As I take the time to listen to others I am so grateful for my challenges and often marvel at the strength of others in the face of  huge adversity and  over whelming challenges.  Some of the happiest people I know are burdened with huge challenges, yet they seem to move forward.  In all cases as I learn about them I discover that each has made a choice to move forward and be happy.

As we write our own stories we decide if the story is going to have a happy ending.  We make the choice about the journey.   Is it going to be filled with happy moments each day or are we going to spend our precious time suffering because life is not what we imagined in to be.  It is easy to fall into the habit of complaining and feeling sorry for ourselves.  No matter what the trial we face in this life we can choose to be happy and find joy in each day.

I remember one day years ago I was driving in my car and on that particular day I was feeling especially blessed.  I asked God "How do I show you how grateful I am" and  in one of those rare moments I received  the answer almost immediately  in my mind.  "You show your gratitude to God by enjoying what you have".  So simple, yet so true.   God joys in our appreciation of what we have and he finds great joy when we can learn to choose to be happy and enjoy the journey.

One of the hardest things to do it to step up and be happy.  And I am not perfect at it, and often we let the unhappiness of others effect our happiness.  We cannot take responsibly of the choice others make.   We can encourage and inspire, but ultimately the choice to be happy is a personal one that each individual has their own responsibility to do.   We don't need to carry the burden of others who are struggling with the choice to be happy.

How is your story going?   Is ti field with you and happiness along the way or is it filled with sadness, dread, and despair.

My personal leader was so right.  At that time in my life nothing changed.  My car was still dented,  my job was still hard, life was just plain hard.  But guess what it all changed in just a moment.  The moment it to me to just decide to be happy,  to make the choice to be happy no matter what.   I am grateful for a leader that took the time to tell me straight out that I had a choice about my own personal story.  And I decided I wanted a happy ending, and not just a happy ending, but I want a happy journey.

Have a happy day,   it's your choice.
Brad

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The Trial of Abraham

Often in life we are asked to do things that we do not understand.  Many of us have burdens that weigh us done and often we wonder how we can carry such a burden.  Often times we wonder why when it seems we are doing all we can to do the right thing, yet we feel we are being punished.  How could a loving God do what he is doing to us?   I have questioned that many times in my life and still do at times.  I feel I am a somewhat good person, yet I wonder why I have so many hard challenges, and they just seem to keep coming.

Such must have been the case with Father Abraham.  A prophet of God.  One of the mighty and great ones that walked on the earth.  He was obedient to all of God's commandments, yet he was asked to do hard things.  Things that would probably shake most to the very core.   Can you imagine being asked to sacrifice your only son.  Especially when you felt to the very core it was wrong   I cannot imagine the pain Father Abraham must have felt.  Do you think that perhaps as he was walking he questioned the Lord in his heart.   Do you think he pondered all the good he had done and possibly wondered why he was asked to do such a thing.  Thoughts must have crossed his mind like,  I am a good man.  I have done all I could to obey.  And then other thoughts like,  If only I had been better or I must not be good, and even,  Does the Lord love me.  How could he if he asks things that break my heart and the hearts of those I love.

I cannot believe that Abraham went with out questioning in his heart the deed the Lord had required of him.  The questioning is never wrong, but what we learn from Father Abraham is that complete obedience is required, even when we don't understand.

Most of us want to see perfectly the outcome before we act.  That is not how the Lord works.   He ask hard things of us and steps back, giving us often the courage, but not the understanding.  As we push forward with courage and do the hard thing the Lord has asked, we grow,  and when we have grown sufficient in our faith and devotion then the understanding comes.

My heart aches as I ponder what Abraham's day must have been like.  Not just the day
 but months and weeks leading up to that day.  I have also thought that his life didn't really get easier after the trial, but most certainly he gained a greater understanding of God and with that he was better able to handle the trials he had.

And then I think,  many of us face the same challenges in our personal lives.  At least to us they seem greater and harder then the trial of Abraham and to perfectly honest to us  they probably are.  Abraham's trial is so much like the ones we have in our lives.  I look at trials of many around me.   Same Sex Attraction,  Addictions,  Divorce, Wayward Children, Abuse, Mental Issues, and so many more and those that are struggling must feel like Father Abraham.  Abandoned and left alone with out understanding or comprehension why a Loving God would do such a thing.

In the story we don't often think about Issac and his trial.  His future looked bleak.  In fact in his eyes he had no future,  he was doing what his father had asked,  he trusted him and followed.  How often do we need to follow with such complete obedience,  even when we don't understand?

I want to share a very personal experience with you.   A couple of years ago I was promoted, very forcefully that I was supposed to open up and share what I had learned over the years personally about Same Gender Attraction.   The trials and struggles that I had endured were personal and tender.  I was not sure how on earth I could open up and I knew I was not ready for what would come.  I was not sure if I was ready to share that sacred part of my life with others.   I knew I would be labeled gay and that many would not understand what I was doing.  Yet the feelings could not be set aside.   I knew with all my heart what I was supposed to do.

I have to say the past few years have been the hardest couple of years in my life and it is not getting easier.  I have been called gay and I have been greatly misunderstood and yes,  I have questioned often the wisdom of opening that door.

In a sense it has been my Abrahamic trial.

This is what I have learned.  When we follow with obedience the things we know are true and the will of the Lord it always, always works out.  That does not mean we understand why, or what we are doing, but as we move forward we come to understand God's hand in our lives.   Often times the knife is raised and  we are to the point of total pain, but when it seems like we are at the end we see the light.  Does it mean it gets easier or the trails fade away?   Absolutely not.  Abraham's life was far from easy after the Lord told him to not slay his son, but Abraham was a better stronger person.

I still am faced with challenges that try my faith,  but I have to say the last few years have been filled with great learning, joy, and yes challenges.  I have learned to understand more how God works in our lives to help us grow and more important I have come to understand how important it is to follow him regardless and trust in his plan regardless of what the world is screaming at me or even those that are close to me are screaming at me.  First and foremost I trust in God's plan for me and all else seems unimportant compared to that.

I have learned that people will judge me before taking the time to understand, but I find great comfort knowing that I am on God's errand and as long as I stay faithful and follow with obedience, even at times blind obedience,  always without fail I am lifted and sustained in all things.

No matter what our personal Abrahamic Trials, there will always be light and God will always step in and lift us up to the trail.  Often times we place great men like Abraham high on a pedestal,  yet our trials to us and God are of equal importance in that to each of us it seems like we are asked to sacrifice a child.  The pain is no less then what Abraham felt.  We need to understand that is what makes Abraham so great is that he followed with complete obedience,  that does not mean he didn't question or even complain, but it does mean he was completely willing to do all God asked.  That is the value of the story.  Are we willing to do what ever the Lord asks,  no matter how hard,  no matter what the world is telling us,  no matter what we might be asked to give up.. That is the question.

I love God and his wisdom in sending us trails that strengthen and lift us.

Greatest success to each of you as you personally face your Abrahamic Trails remembering that God does ask hard things, but also remembering that his intent is not to punish us, but build us up to really and truly become men like Abraham, consecrated to the will of God.

Brad

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The 10 Positives

One of the biggest struggles we all are faced with in today's world is how often we define ourselves by our weaknesses. I see this time and time again and I catch myself doing it often.


All to often I will talk with someone and they will express the sorrow for struggles in their lives and express how they are weak and worthless. The picture they paint of themselves is totally comprised of the weakness they are dealing with. I am guilty of the same thing. I all to easily like to define who I am by my weaknesses and struggles.


In the process of such conversations the comment is often made "When I get over this I will be a good person" or " when I overcome this sin it will be all right". So we let our weaknesses define us and in the process we struggle sometimes for years trying to overcome our sins and weaknesses.


I strongly believe and have learned that our weaknesses are indeed only a small part of who we really are. I am not trying to say that we don't need to overcome them or forget about them, but I am trying to say that we need to focus on the good rather then the bad. For most there are a dozens of positive good things about the person to the one fault. Can you imagine the power that comes into someones heart when instead of focusing on the weakness they start to focus on the good. Miracles happen. I know from personal experience that when I focus on my strengths and not my weaknesses I have a stronger determination to be better.


Last Sunday in church a sister made the comment that we are 99% perfect. I love that thought. It gives one courage to move forward. Funny thing is we often only see and concentrate on the 1% of imperfection. Even if the imperfection is more then 1% we are still far better then we give ourselves credit for.


Another friend taught me about the 10 Positives. It is a simple exercise you can do to help you focus on the good in you and not the faults. We are so hard on ourselves. Our culture, especially in the church community is one of perfection. Recently a good man made a remark about how he did not like the "be ye therefore perfect" scriptures. He said he just wanted to blot them out. They cause guilt and shame and leave us feeling that we are never good enough. I agree, I have never liked those scriptures either or I should say, I have never liked how they make me feel. Great scriptures, but we take them out of context. I decided that perhaps perfection is the long term goal, but the shorter more obtainable goal is obedience, doing my best each day, I can do that and feel good about it and I believe with all my heart that is how we should do it. Not worry about being perfect, but about doing our best, which eventually will lead to perfection, but in the meantime we need to enjoy the journey and lighten up about being perfect. If your a perfection driven person I am sorry, but think about it, it's not going to happen in this life so why all the stress about being perfect. But we can be obedient and we can do our best each day, that is doable and practical and possible, and in the process there is less pressure about life. I enjoy being good, but I stress about being perfect.


Anyway, back to the 10 Positives. The exercise is about writing 10 positive things about yourself and placing them by the mirror in the bathroom and every morning looking yourself in the eyes and repeating them out loud to yourself. It is an amazing experiences. We rarely take the time to tell ourselves we are good. But we spend most of the day commiserating on just how bad we are. Taking the time to tell ourselves we are good does amazing things for the mind and spirit.


We must get away from the habit of defining ourselves by our weaknesses. It brings us down and destroys our self esteem. I do not excuse the weaknesses that we all have, I simply say there is more to us then the struggles we have. We are indeed children of God with unlimited potential and capacity for greatness. It is not pride or arrogance to recognize our own personal strength and abilities. God wants each of us to see and understand our own individual worth.


The 10 Positives works well, another thing we can do is to look for the good in others and take the time to express what we see. Everyone, no matter where they are in life needs to hear and feel that they are good and have value. As we take the time to find good in others and share with them what we see, in the process we are able to see our own good. Amazing at how that works.


Even on our worst day we are so much better then we give ourselves credit for. It is important that we see and value the good we have. I look at others often and wish they could see what I see in them. It is easy to see the bad, but the joy comes when we learn to see the good despite the bad and every time I see the good in someone, what I thought was bad simply fades away and is replaced by light and joy.


The journey is more joyful when we see the good and don't let our weaknesses define who we are. After all, in the big picture whats 1% anyway, nothing.


Brad


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Avoiding Heartbreak among Friends

In our recent JADE meeting we had some amazing training by one of our Members. .  The training was excellent and I asked for a copy to post for those who could not make the meeting, and for those who wanted to read it again.   The only thing missing is the group involvement, but the message is fantastic.    I post it here with the presenters permission  We have withheld the names of those involved,  we honor each others privacy in all things.  I hope you enjoy the message and that you might find it helpful in your Journey.    Brad

Avoiding Heartbreak among Friends

JADE - January 5, 2016

Today, I want to talk about how my same sex attractions have led to some very unhealthy relationships, and what I'm doing to avoid that from happening again. I hope that my experiences and the tools and boundaries I use can be helpful to you. If not, at least you will understand where I'm coming from and what I'm personally doing to protect myself, and I hope you will respect that. 

I titled this presentation "avoiding heartbreak among friends" because I have a tendency to want to connect strongly to people, particularly men, and I've recently discovered why that is and what I need to do to avoid it. I've also discovered a good framework for what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like, which I will also share with you. 

Several of the things I will talk about tonight I think will be helpful things for all of us to employ in order to keep our JADE meetings safe and productive for all of us. I also think they will be helpful for us as we continue to relate to the world around us outside of JADE or similar meetings. Related to this, I'd like to introduce the concept of "clearing" and the general principle of transparency with each other for the purpose of building each other up and supporting each other in our quest to get healthy connections with other men, in a non-sexual way.

From the reading and research I have done in my process of same sex-attraction discovery, I've learned that many SSA guys struggle with one of two main extremes in relationships. On one end of the spectrum is defensive detachment and on the other is emotional dependency. 

Defensive detachment happens when we self-protectively close ourselves off from intimate relationships. Most of us who struggle with defensive detachment are the last to believe we have a problem. In fact, we tend to be the ones who are proud of not having problems. Common characteristics of people with defensive detachment include:

• Anger
• Humor and sarcasm
• Isolation
• Self-sufficiency
• Control (being the one to ask questions; not answering them)
• Selective disclosure - talking about things we've overcome; avoiding talking about things we're currently struggling with. 
• Compulsions and addictions - work, alcohol, drinking, drugs, binge TV watching
• Dressing down - to avoid attracting attention to ourselves
• Avoidance of touch or physical contact
• Focus conversations on topics to avoid personal issues
• Impossibly high standards for friendships
• Tendency toward pornography and anonymous sex to avoid connection.  

On the other end of the spectrum is Emotional Dependency, which is defined as the condition that results when the ongoing presence and nurturing of another is believed to be necessary for personal security. This is similar to the term "enmeshment" when it is applied to a non-familial relationship, or "co-dependence" which can be defined as being psychologically influenced or controlled by, reliant upon, or needing another person to fulfill one's own needs or to complete oneself. That is, when your worth, peace of mind, inner stability, and happiness are anchored in one other person and on that person's response to you, you are emotionally dependent. Some characteristics of emotional dependence include the following:

• Experiencing jealousy and possessiveness and a desire for exclusivity
• Preferring to spend time alone with our friend and feeling frustrated when we see him with others
• Feeling irrational anger, shame, or depression when our friend withdraws even slightly
• Viewing other relationships as "flat" or boring compared to this one. 
• Experiencing romantic or sexual feelings leading to fantasy
• Becoming preoccupied with our friend's appearance, personality, problems, and interests. 
• Refusing to make short or long term plans without considering him. 
• Unable to see the other's faults realistically, or at all. 
• Expressing physical affection beyond that which is appropriate for a friendship
• Referring frequently to our friend in conversation.
• Exhibiting affection and familiarity with our friend that makes others to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. 

While I certainly struggle with characteristics in each of these extremes, I have gotten myself in the most trouble with emotional dependence. With SSA guys, it is sometimes so wonderful to be able to relate to someone who "understands me" that I just dive quickly into an enmeshed relationship. And, if I'm particularly physically attracted to him, it is just a matter of time before flattery turns to manipulative flirtation and admiration turns to obsession. So, I have to establish boundaries and use tools to help me avoid getting my heart broken and to develop healthy relationships.    

I’m not going to spend a lot of time going into why I tend to become emotionally dependent, but I do know that I’m naturally sensitive and that I've always yearned for deeper relationships than most people are willing to give. I'm also aware that recognition of SSA in another guy, or "gaydar" as it is known, tends to create an unnatural compassion and longing to relate that I don't feel with other men even if I do relate to them on other levels. I think with SSA guys, I feel sympathetic and want to be comforted and offer comfort. So, what we do here, with safe holding and touch, as well as sharing our struggles with each other, allows me to make that connection, but without the sex.  

However, for me, I need to take it a step farther. I've realized that I just can't be in a friendship with another SSA guy. Nearly every time I have had a friendship with an SSA guy, it has led to some level of sexual expression, whether it is kissing, touching each other's penises, or more. So, I've set a couple of boundaries for myself. The first is never being alone with another SSA guy. You'll notice that I won't have lunch, workout, run, bike, or do anything with any of you alone. It always has to be at least three of us. And, because I'm trying to re-establish trust with my wife, she prefers that I only have lunch or breakfast with two or more of you in association with JADE related events, such as a weekend hike. Another boundary that I have is not becoming exclusive with any of you. I try very hard to spend time with everyone here to the extent you and I both feel comfortable doing so.  I legitimately can find something attractive about most men, and the more I get to know all of you, the more I like you. So, it is best for me to not get too connected to any of you, but to be appropriately connected with all of you when we have a JADE event.  I have found that exclusivity eventually leads to enmeshment, and once I'm there, I lose myself and my sensibilities and end up getting very hurt when it ends. 

So, what does a healthy friendship among SSA guys look like? Here are some qualities that are indicative of good health in a friendship that I'm striving for:

• Free and generous: Though I may experience twinges of jealousy when one of my friends hits it off with someone else, basically I want to be comfortable in sharing my friends. I try to appreciate you all and enjoy all of your company without the urge to possess or control. 
• Built over time: With some of you, I feel a "kindred spirit". With others of you I feel "chemistry". But I've realized through former 80 mile an hour relationships that have crashed and burned that even these instant connections need time.  Solid friendships are based upon shared experiences and growing trust and there is no way to rush this process. 
• Not self-serving: I desire to promote your growth for the sake of you, not so that I can gain anything from you. I'm intentional about acknowledging what I admire about you to build you up. 
• Directed outward, not inward: I've noticed that when friends and I start talking about the specialness of our friendship, I tend to get absorbed in or dwell on that idea of the relationship. I try to spend more time talking about our mutual interests, struggles, and topics outside of our relationship.  
• Built on strength: I think a healthy friendship calls forth the best in both of us. I want to support you and I want support from you in equal measures. I want our interactions to be joyful, healing, and uplifting. When this gets out of balance, co-dependence can easily develop. 

The physical, non-sexual touch we enjoy here, in connection with the development of healthy friendships, has had a huge impact on my life in a relatively short period of time, and I want to thank you all for that.  

I mentioned the ideas of "clearing" and transparency to you earlier, and so now I want to turn our attention to these ideas. Every once in a while, we are going to come across uncomfortable situations or issues among us that if not dealt with can cause hurt, anxiety, and withdrawal. Because what JADE offers is so important for all of us, and because it is difficult to find elsewhere, I think we can all agree that preserving it is worth an honest and sincere on-going effort.  I want to talk about clearing and transparency using a couple of examples as illustrations.  

Let's say that I'm very attracted to, and feel chemistry with someone in particular, and that being around him makes me want to violate my boundaries or worse. I think it would be helpful for all of us in the group to know that man triggers me so that you all understand why I might be avoiding him and so you can all help me be accountable to what I'm trying to accomplish in my life, which for me, includes recovery from sex addiction associated with the emotional dependency I talked about earlier. So, I'm going to propose that we allow opportunities during our JADE meetings to let men talk about who they are triggered by, and let the man talk about what he needs in regard to the attraction. I'd like to suggest that before a man makes such disclosures to the group, he first discloses his particular attraction to the other man and that they have agreement that it can be talked about in the larger group.  I believe this level of transparency and group awareness of dynamics among us will help us all protect ourselves from acting in ways that are contrary to our morals, behavioral standards, and boundaries. We will be able to collectively express concern and support each other's boundaries and goals regarding SSA and/or recovery from sexual addiction. 

Again, by way of example, I also want to bring up the concept of clearing. What I'm about to talk about has been cleared with the man that is the subject of my clearing. Last time we all met, a new man showed up at the door, and when I opened it and saw him, I realized that we had connected two years ago on Craigslist. While we never acted out together, we came pretty close to doing so, and it ended abruptly and uncomfortably, at least for me. After several communications by email, and getting to a point of being comfortable with each other, we had finally agreed to meet in person in a public place. And for his own reasons, he decided not to show up at the last minute when I was waiting for him at our agreed upon location. I felt rejected and never understood what I may have done or said to push him away. Again, this was almost two years ago, and that man was ____. I was shaken to my core by his presence in this place, and I had tremendous anxiety to the point of wanting to leave. But, I realized that he was here probably for the same reason I had come here months prior and that I needed to get to know this man and his pain and have the same level of compassion for him as I do for the rest of you. So, I positioned myself directly across from him in the room and listened to him talk and ask and answer questions. After the meeting, ______ and I talked on the phone and by text a couple of times about our former interactions and both of us came to terms with it. In the past, this kind of anxiety and shame would result in me seeking out validation through sex, or masturbating to alter my emotions. But this time, I dealt directly with my uncomfortable emotions and avoided doing things that go against my morals. _____, do you have anything you'd like to add?  

In both of these cases, there is an elimination of secrets. It is said in 12 step programs that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but is instead connection. Connection requires trust and transparency. While I know we do not all suffer from sex addiction, we all have the tendency to allow our secret feelings and attractions to motivate us to behave in ways that we aren't proud of or that don't jibe with our spiritual and moral standards.  So, I'm suggesting that we get in the habit of clearing with each other to keep each other safe and to support each other. My counselor calls this practice "spitting in your soup." If you know you have a tendency to overeat, you can spit in the second bowl of soup when you feel full to avoid indulging in the second bowl. If we are preemptive about our triggers, whether they are attractions or anxieties, we have a greater ability to enjoy the benefits offered by JADE.  

So, not only do I hope this lesson helps you avoid heartbreak among friends, I hope the things I've talked about can help us all build each other and support each other in this life through the Jonathan and David Experience. 

References

New Freedom for Men & Women: Coming out of Homosexuality. Bob Davies & Lori Rentzel

http://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on-setting-boundaries-in-enmeshed-relationships/

http://soulselfhelp.on.ca/coenmesh.html

Straight Man, Gay Friend

   Ok,  So I have a lot of friends that struggle with SGA, or Same Gender Attraction.  I have a lot of friends that don't struggle with SGA, but they do struggle with how to deal with or handle men that have that struggle or they struggle with just developing good friends.

    Truth be known,  you probably already have a good friend that struggles with SGA or you might have a friend that just struggles  making friends  but just cannot bring himself to tell you about his struggle, and even a greater truth is he is aching to confide in you but is  afraid of what you will think.  And if the truth be known, even a greater truth, he needs you and desires your support and love and understanding.

     So the big question is what can you do to help a friend that struggles with SGA or a friend that struggles with making friends.  I by all means am not an authority on this topic, but I have learned a few things over the years and feel it's time to share with you some of the things I have learned and discovered in my journey.

    Most men ache or desire a connection with another man,  SGA or not. Most men don't want to admit short comings or weaknesses, at least what society labels as such.  Most of us  want to keep up the appearance of how in control we are and how together we are.  So we go along hiding behind our masks.  On the other hand there are some of us that prefer that some things just stay behind the masks.  If we stay hidden we don't have to deal with it.  We often for example might think a friend struggles with SGA, but we just won't go there for fear of judging or even a greater fear, what do I do, what will he think of me?   It's more comfortable knowing but not knowing.  We don't have to deal with it if we don't acknowledge it.  To be perfectly honest that is a poor choice.  The reason that it is a poor choice is that your friend needs you and what you can give him and you need him and what he can teach you.  He is most likely living in fear of your judgements of him and afraid he will lose your valued friendship.  In the process both are missing out on great learning experiences.

     Lets get some facts straight here.  Just because a man struggles with SGA does not mean he wants to have sex with you.  So your safe.  And just because he loves you as a friend does not mean he desires more than friendship from you.  Your still safe.  What does it mean though.

    Most likely it means he admires you and trust you and wants to be your friend.  And if he is attracted to you,  whats the big deal anyway.  Take is as a complement.  He thinks your great,  he may even think your handsome, charming, and yes even sexy,  your still safe.

     In our society we keep up borders to protect ourselves and in the process we deny ourselves meaningful deep personal healthy relationships that bless us and others that we let into our lives.  Friendship, really true friendships develop when we allow others into lives and when we let others in the private areas of our hearts.

      So, back to the question of what we can do to help others and help ourselves.

#1 Transparency,  Be transparent,  meaning don't hide who you are or what you are.   We all need to practice being more open and letting others see us for who we are and what we are.  That often means taking off the mask and removing the walls.  It's a hard thing to do, but so worth the effort.

#2  Try to understand.  Even though you don't deal with the same feelings or challenges, try to understand.  You may have no idea what it feels like to be attracted to other men,  or your friend may have no idea what it's like to to be attracted to women,   Just because you don't get it or he doesn't get it does not mean it's not real and you can't be friends in a very deep meaningful way.

#3 Ask what you can do to help, and listen to what they are saying.  And be willing to help.  That's the big thing.  Be willing to help.  So often we sexualize everything, from hugs to looks.   Honestly most men that I know that struggle with SGA are good men, God fearing men, that have a challenge that they are trying to deal with in a very personal powerful way.  Research has found that when these men can connect in a positive healthy way with other men they are able to handle and deal with the struggles they have and to perfectly honest part of the problem is the disconnect with men.

#4  Be a friend,  a real friend,  not just a friend that is a friend if you think the same, but a friend that can love you no matter what.  True friends strive to understand and help,  even when they don't understand they don't run, they stay and learn.

#5  Relax,  you just might learn some things about yourself that you didn't know.  For example, hugging can be great, or watching a chick flick with another man can be fun or you might discover he has a whole different outlook on how to skin a deer or how to hook a worm,  you never know what life will reward you with when you step outside your comfort zone and learn to love someone who thinks different.

#6  Establish boundaries. Meaning that we all can establish boundaries about how to handle our friendship.  Boundaries are good and should be respected on both sides of the friendship.  All men have different trigger points and as a friend we should respect our friends and their needs and where they draw the line.  If you have a friend and he cannot respect the boundaries you have set, perhaps he is not a friend after all.  Good friends learn, know, and respect the boundaries of each other, also in that is understanding the needs of each other also keeping it within your religious and personal beliefs.

I love and adore all my friends,  SGA friends and straight friends.  I learn from each of them and appreciate the journey each one is on.  For both I learn compassion and goodness.  I admire both for trying to be the best they can no matter what the challenge they are faced with.  You know,  we don't choose our challenges, but we can choose who we deal with them and how we help others deal with their challenges.  I choose to be loving and accepting,  and guess  what,  that can be done without having to lower my standards or change my boundaries.  I can choose to love regardless of choices of others and in the process I become a better man.

Men, open your hearts and love your brothers,  they need you and you need them.

Brad

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