Some Important Things I Wish My Father Had Taught Me

     Life is confusing, to say the least.  In today's crazy world where media and social pressure wants to dictate what we do and how we act it is even more important now then ever before that Dad's are the ones teaching their sons.

     I grew up in a home where my father, who was raised by his grandmother had no clue about what to teach his sons.  A wonderful man, but still clueless to what boys need to hear from fathers.  I had to learn some things the hard way and over the years I as I have talked and communicated with other men I have learned that a lot of men could have used some simple council from their fathers.   So with that in mind I decided to write about the "Some Things"  that we all have wished our fathers would have told us.

      The first one I really wish my father had explained to me is that it is OK to be different, in my case, soft, kind, and tender.  I grew up in a home where sports were the standard and man stuff was the only thing tolerated.  I hated sports.  I loved to write poetry, draw,  play with dolls, cook, dress up, and lip sing to records.   I was not coordinated at all,  I was fat and cried easily.   I wish my father would have told me that it was OK if I didn't like sports.   I would have loved to have been praised for my writing, creativeness, and flare.  My father being who he was didn't understand the difference and in all fairness to him he really didn't know what to do with someone so completely different then him.  He was stumped.   Can you imagine a hard core cowboy, ruff and tuff to the bone man, with a son that was totally opposite in every way.   He only reacted how any normal man would have.  He thought his son was a girl in a boys body.

     Now having said that,  I have no hard feelings for my father.  Was it hard living with him, yes.  Do I love him, yes.  We are very close and he admires me completely for the tender, kind man I am.  He, like  a lot of our fathers did the absolute best he could at the time.

     The hard thing for me was not understanding who I was and why I was different.   Is it OK to be different?  Yes, that is the message we need to teach our children.  If our boys are kind, sensitive, tender, we need to teach them that just like being a good athlete, those are gifts.  Gift from God come in so many different ways and just because we don't understand does not mean the gift is not valid.  As fathers we need to teach our sons that what the world teaches us about sensitive sweet, tender, men is not what the Lord teaches.  He teaches that there are many gifts and we know that as our creator he has created us with a specific purpose, and when we follow him, we will come to understand the value of our unique differences.

    Don't let the standard of the world or the teachings of the media dictate who we are and how we respond to the gifts we have.  I for one believe that being a kind, tender, sensitive man is  an amazing gift and as I have grown older I am grateful that I chose to magnify my gift as I follow the teachings of the Savior.

    So for the number one thing I wish my father would have taught me would have to be that you are a man no matter what gifts you are given.  It's OK to be different.  It's OK to be kind and soft hearted.  Just because you like to play with dolls, dress up, and lip sing, does not mean you are gay.  It just means you are who God created you to be.   I am proud to be who I am.  I am different and often I am  mistaken to be gay, but that's OK,  I understand that God is my creator and I value his gifts and his judgement.   Sometimes the understanding does not come until after the trail.  But as we continue to follow Christ, the understanding will come and we will find great joy in our uniqueness.

   Next Blog will be The Second thing I wish my father would have taught me.  How my man body works.

Brad

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Stand up and BE a Man

      
      I believe in friendships and the power of building healthy ones that bless us forever. Each day as I meet men that struggle with building healthy relationships, I am grateful for the knowledge of what friendships can be. I believe that we can and should encourage and develop healthy relationships with other men.   

      Men need other men. It has been so since man was created and will continue so forever. It is part of the Plan. My message is for men to "Stand up and be the men God intended us to be. Men of character, men that are not afraid to love other men in the healthy, wonderful way God intended". Stand up reach out and open your hearts. 

     Our society today keeps us from developing great relationships.   We live in fear of what others think and because of that fear we deny ourselves and others the opportunity of great relationships.  In today's world they teach us that we cannot have healthy relationships with other men.  We are taught that if we feel strong attractions to other men, we must be Gay.  We have been taught that we cannot have close relationships with other men.  So we keep our distance and avoid relationships that could bless our lives in great ways.  

     I remember my very first best friend.  I have to admit I was 18 years old before I had a best friend.  I lived in an abusive environment and did not have many friends.  In fact during high school it was really hard.  Anyway at the age of 18 I met this man.  I will call him KW.  KW was amazing.  The minute we meet we were friends.  Instantly we were inseparable,  no matter where he went or where I went we were together.  Every spare moment we could find we spent together.  I would get up and work with him at 2 am in the morning and he would come and work with me at 10 pm at night.  I was a permanent fixture at his house.  I adored him.  Could not take my eyes off him.  And the best part is that I knew he loved me.  It was an amazing experience for me to have a best friend.  I am sure it was an experience for him to have such a needy friend.  I could not get enough of him.

     He was so good for me.  He built my self esteem in so many ways.  i remember one night he brought a gift to me at work.  It was a Cross pen set.  I was so happy.  The employees asked why he gave me a gift.  I said "I don't know,  I guess he loves me".   The wrong thing to say.   Instantly they made rude remarks about us being gay.  That was the last thing on my mind.  I just knew he loved me and that was that.   I learned just what society thinks about that type of relationship.  Society makes it hard to have deep meaningful relationships.  

    That friendship started 35 years ago and guess what, KM is still my best friend.  I adore him even more and we have shared many memories over the years and I love his family and he loves mine.  Our friend ship is one that only increases with time.   We can go months without even seeing each other and the very moment we are in the same room it is just like we have never been apart.  One time his wife called after we had spent some time together,  she cried as she explained that when KM and I are in the same room she felt like she could cut the love with a knife.  

     KM and I have never had the desire or feelings of an inappropriate relationship.   Yes we hug and enjoy being close together and I can hardly stand it when he is around , I love him so much.  Our friendship has increased in love and depth over the years.   It will continue to increase for the rest of our lives and I am sure forever.   KM is my personal testimony of the value of good healthy friendships that we can have with other men.   I am so grateful for men like KM that are not afraid to express and act upon normal feeling for other men.   

    Great friendships can be had and enjoyed forever when we set aside our fears and embrace our God given ability to love others.   Men,  stand up and don't be afraid to love another man.  Done in the right way those relationships can and will bless your life forever.  

Have a great day.  Brad

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Life Sucks

     Life is all about challenges.  From sin to working, each day is filled with it's own unique set of challenges.  Some days we wonder how on earth we can even make it through the day.  Some days we are so overwhelmed with life we feel like crawling in a hole and pulling a rock over the top and never coming out.  Some days are so dark that it is impossible to see any light.  Some days just plain out SUCK.

       Ever have those days and wonder how in the ^~*("+#~#  you are going to make it.
I have those days, we never want to admit it out loud.  We want everyone to think we are strong and that we have it under control and we are super heros.  But truth be known, even super hero's have those days.  Super heros of the comic book world and my personal super heros of the scriptures,  all have had those days that challenge them to the brink of thier faith and power.  As we  watch the super heros, from both worlds, we always see that the trail increases strength and faith.  Super heros of today get stronger physically and the super heros of the scriptures grow into spiritual giants of great power and strength.

       As I get older I have to come to understand that when we truely desire to return back to our Heavenly Father, he will make sure it happens.  His way of making sure that it happens is growth.

        Growth can be defined as trials that refine us and as if we stay focused on the Savior will eventually bring us back into the presence of our Heavenly Father.   Some days I hate growth.  I frusturates me and often times makes me really mad.  Right in the middle of the trial it is impossible to see the plan, that is where the frustration comes for me.  The inability to see clearly.  That inabiltiy to see clearly is actually the most important part of the trail.  It forces us to have faith in a greater power.

      Turning over the natural man to a greater force an even greater power, the Savior can be hard and painful.  But as we do that and totally submit to his will, his perfect plan, the growth starts to take place in our hearts.  That does not mean the trail is over,  it just means we are starting to understand.

 
       The great day comes when, after that trial ends we can truely see the hand of the Lord in our lives and we are humbled by all that he did,  all that he did that we were unable to see in the middle of the trail.


     That is what helps me endure the trial.  I know one day I will look back and see clearly the hand of the Lord working in my life.  It has always been that way and always will be.  I have made the choice with all my heart to return to live with my Heavenly Father and I do understand he will do all it takes to get me there.  So although I do not welcome trails,  I do see how they are designed with a perfect purpose, the purpose of a Loving Heavenly Father and Savior to bring us back home. .

Have a great day,  Brad

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Brad Part 3

Scroll down to read part 1 and 2

In part two, I talked about a friend I met and knew we would be friends at that moment, and I knew we had been friends before we came here.  That was 23 years ago and we are still best friends.  Our friendship has grown in depth and beauty, for over the years and we have come to understand our friendship and have a deep love for each other.

Over the past 23 years I have had amazing opportunities to grow and understand just why I am different from other men.  It has been an interesting adventure to say the least.  I believe in personal revelation and have received many personal revelations as I have pondered and prayed and struggled with my feelings.  Through the process I have learned so much and that is one of the reasons for this blog.  Twenty three years ago it was an issue, but today it is an issue beyond description as the world we now live in is filled with conflict.  We are surrounded daily by Same Gender Attraction issues, from same sex marriage to same gender relationships.  We are surrounded by media that tell us it is normal to feel the way we do and it is ok to act out on those feelings.  And in the process we are made to feel that we are doing something wrong if we do not follow those strong physical attractions. 

In my quest for peace I have learned that only when we follow Christ and his teachings can we really find peace.  His teachings include modern day revelation from living Prophets.  We know when our personal revelations are right on when they are in accord with what we have been taught.   If we feel we are receiving revelation and it is contrary to the commandments of God, perhaps we are not where we need to be spiritually.  

I have received much personal revelation on this topic and I always search to make sure it is in line with what we have and are being taught.  As I look for answers I receive special feelings that validate what I have been learning.  

One of the most profound teachings I have learned is about who we were before we came here, and as I have pondered that and the Proclamation to the Family I have learned things that help me understand who I am and why I struggle with the things I struggle with.  One thing for sure is that we each are on a personal journey and the journey is unique and different for each one of us.  As we strive to live the commandments we can and will receive personal revelation in the time we need it and when it will do us the most good.  Sometimes we struggle for years trying to understand and then all of a sudden we know why we have struggled and it all makes sense.  This typically happens when we have been obedient and faithful to what we know to be true.  If we stray too far off the path the ability to receive personal revelation in regards to our trials is greatly diminished.  It is when we are trying our best that the windows of heaven open up and pour wisdom into our souls and we begin to understand what we have needed to know and why we have our trials. 

Remember the greatest light comes after the trial of our faith.  Sometimes the trial is long and hard, but the reward for being faithful is amazing and the clarity we see at the end is worth the trial of our faith.  

I share with you these feelings to help you understand that a price has to be paid for us to come to an understanding of why we struggle with the things we struggle with.  And as I share with you some of the personal things I have learned I want you to know that it came after much trial and struggling on my part.  It came as we are taught, line upon line, not all at once.  It came to me as I was ready to receive it.  And I want you to know that I have come to understand that our personal trials, if we remain faithful, will turn into blessings for us personally and in an even greater way, blessings for those we come in contact with.  

So now if you will let me I will try to share some very personal revelations I have received over the years as I have struggle with who I am and what is my purpose here.  I think the first thing I remember learning by the spirit in regards to this struggle is that I was different and that it was ok.  The spirit taught me that I was a sensitive man and that it was a gift from Heavenly Father to be a sensitive man and that if I nurtured this gift it would and could be a great blessing to me in my life.  The spirit taught me that sensitive men have a great capacity to feel spiritual things and as I learned more I would indeed be able to feel things stronger than other men.  That is not to say that all men cannot enjoy spiritual things; it is to say that some men are blessed with a greater ability.  Remember there are many gifts of the spirit.  I have learned and found it to be true that most men that struggle with SGA are sensitive, sweet men and these men have a tremendous ability to feel spiritual things if it is nurtured in the right way.  That leads me to the next powerful revelation the spirit taught me.

As a young man I wondered and struggled with the feelings that I would have for other men.  I would meet certain men and be overwhelmed with love for them.  There were times when I was actually brought to tears.   I remember one day I was in a store doing some shopping.  A man walked up to me and I felt instantly that he wanted to kill me.  It was scary, as I knew that he hated me with all his heart.  He followed me throughout the store pounding his fist and staring at me.  I was terrified.  I left only to find him backed up against my car blocking me in and still pounding his fist.  He left and I have to tell you I did not go home.  I drove around for a couple of hours to make sure he did not find me.  It was scary and the only way to describe what happened is that man was evil and sensed my spirit and it offended his.  His spirit scared me to death.  

Now in contrast to that experience, a few days later I met my best friend.  When I saw him I wept for joy and was filled with love and excitement in seeing him.  These experiences back to back taught me a powerful lesson.  Our spirits can communicate.  On one hand it was fear and I was terrified; on the other hand it was one of the sweetest experiences of my life. 

We know through modern revelation that we were spirit children of our Heavenly Father and that we lived together for a long time as we prepared to come here.  I cannot help but think of the close relationships we developed there.  I believe we don't have the ability yet to understand all that we experienced before we came here.  Over the years the spirit has taught me that when I have those special experiences it is nothing more than recognizing someone I knew before I came here.   My spirit feels and remembers the relationship from before we came here.  I believe that is part of the gift of being sensitive to spiritual things, feeling things so deeply.  There is no doubt in my mind that our spirits feel and understand things our mortal mind does not understand always.  But as we pray and ponder, meaning and understanding can and will come.  For me it was like a light came on.  I understood completely that I was not a gay man, but that I was reconnecting with men who had meant a great deal to me before we came here.  In each case over the years where I have felt that strong connection and acted appropriately, I have developed a deep and lasting relationship that has brought me joy and happiness.  

In the process I have discovered that one of the greatest gifts or relationships that a man can have is an appropriate relationship with another man.  We deny ourselves these fulfilling relationships out of fear and misunderstanding of what a same gender relationship can really be.  As we look to the scriptures we find many examples of men who loved other men.   We can find great examples of this in today's world. 

The last thing I want to share in this post is about Increase.  I always thought that increase was all about family.  That is an important part of increase, but it is not just for family.  Increase applies to all things spiritual.  Relationships that are spiritually based have eternal increase.  All relationships in this life that are spiritually based and are developed through the laws of God will experience eternal increase.  How does this apply to SGA?  Simple – when we meet another man we basically have a choice.  We can choose the world’s way, in other words we can choose a physical relationship that is based on the natural man and submitting to the moment, or we can choose God’s way, which is spiritual based, meaning even if we have strong physical feelings towards another man we set that aside and build the relationship on spiritual principles, meaning we keep all of the commandments.  As we choose the spiritual path those relationships will continue here in love and have eternal increase, meaning that what was once started before we came here will increase in beauty and depth and will have eternal increase.  That love will go on forever and ever. 

Can you imagine the joy we will have after this life as we see who we once were and how we were connected and that we chose to build a spiritual relationship here?  Can you imagine the sorrow of finding out how much you loved someone before you came here and you traded it for what the world sold as normal?  I have pondered this often and for me I desire relationships that will continue in love and depth forever.  I want eternal increase in my sweet relationships that I have reconnected with here already and will in the future.  

I love my wife and family and look forward to eternal increase with them, but I also love my men friends and am equally looking forward to eternal increase in those relationships as well.  

If you have any questions or comments please feel free to make them.

Jeff Part 2

"What Went Wrong?"

I remember feeling attracted to boys and spending time thinking about them in a sexual context for as long as I have been conscious of my existence.  Some of these memories date back to age two or three.  While the intensity of the attractions has ebbed and flowed over the years, it has always been there.

When I told my parents in my early twenties that I experienced same-gender attraction, they were compassionate and loving, but very sorrowful.  They blamed themselves for various reasons; I adamantly denied that either of them had anything to do with it.

I think we have a tendency when we face a trial as daunting as same gender attraction to ask "what went wrong?"  Looking back over the last thirty years or so, it is possible for me to identify a few possible culprits.

The Nonathletic Boy

As a young boy, I struggled to find a place where I fit in with the crowd.  My dad was good at sports, but was too busy with work to teach me properly.  This, coupled with my overall lack of coordination and small stature, led to a poor athletic ability on my part.  Lack of ability in turn led to a general dislike for physical activities, which alienated me from the other boys who generally enjoyed sports, even if they weren't talented.  Alienation led to longing and later to attraction.

That's one theory.

The Doctor

When I was young, I often found myself at the doctor's office due to a minor medical condition that affected me over the course of several years.  As part of my visits, I was subjected to various examinations and tests, including physical examination of my body.  I remember enjoying the sensation of being touched on my private parts by the doctor. At the age of five or six, I took an extended visit to a doctor in a neighboring state.  I was anxious about the visit but secretly looked forward to being fondled by the doctor.  

I have no reason to believe that I was touched inappropriately - even though I was young, my memory is relatively clear.  Based on what I know now about ethics in medicine, I believe my doctors were competent and performed all examinations according to applicable standards.  Also, one or both of my parents were usually in the room for the tests.  Nevertheless, the sensations I experienced during these visits stuck with me and resulted in fantasies and dreams for years afterward.  Did this later cause me to experience same-gender attraction as an adult?

The Overly Chaste RM

In junior high and into high school, I had crushes on the cute girls and did what I could to get close to them.  I developed relationships with a few of these girls which were bordering on if not outright romantic.  Though sex was far from my mind, I felt the desire to kiss them, cuddle them, and hold their hands, and in some cases I did.  There were even two or three girls that might fall under the definition of "girlfriend."  But I was a good Mormon boy preparing for a mission, and I knew that romance was distracting to a missionary, so I avoided letting any relationship become too serious.

By the end of my mission, I had lived 19 years with very little experience with romance or physical relationships with girls, and another two years with none whatsoever.  My lack of experience led to lack of confidence, which might have increased the confusion I felt and led to strong, ingrained attractions to other men, especially in light of the time I had spent in close proximity to attractive guys.

The Indulgent Teenager

Yet another idea dates back to my high schools days when I was just beginning to recognize that the attractions I felt might be described as "gay."  When I made that realization, I was afraid.  So much of what it meant to be gay was repulsive to me.  But after the initial shock sank in, I had a decade or so to mull it over and get used to the idea.  By the time I was in my late 20s, almost nothing shocked me and I was actually quite attracted to almost all aspects of the gay lifestyle, even those aspects that had disgusted me before.  So even if the initial spark of same-gender attraction came from nature, did I "nurture" these feelings through my thoughts and actions, effectively choosing to allow them to take hold within me through long-term exposure, rather than turning from the idea in the beginning and staying away from influences that might exacerbate my feelings?

The Reality

All of these theories have some basis in reality, and it might be tempting to "blame" my homosexuality on these events or circumstances.  However, I find that spending too much time analyzing the past is counterproductive.  The fact is that I am standing here today having lived a significant portion of my life worrying about, dealing with, or accepting same-gender attraction as a reality.  It has impacted every day of my life, sometimes causing pain and grief, others leading to peace and happiness.  

What is important now is not only for me to learn from any mistakes I have made along the way, but to live my life today in such a way that the path I have taken to get here will have been worth the effort.

In my next post, I will focus on today and how I am striving to live the life that will bring me the greatest joy.

Jimmy Part 2

Scroll down to read Jimmy Part 1

We are moving, We are moving, WE ARE MOVING!!!!!  Yippie!!! I thought.

Unfortunately, one of my saving Graces was Jennie.  She was my private piano and voice teacher.  You see I had won a music writing contest when I was in 3^rd grade and she had her eye on me from that day forward.  I also had a very high mature soprano sounding boy’s voice.  Prior to my leaving I had given a recital and 50 people from the town were in attendance.  Fifty, that was double the number of people in my class at school.  I had won multiple contests and was invited to sing with the local college for the Messiah the previous two years.  A gentleman in town, a school teacher, travelled to the next town over to perform and he offered me a ride.  He as a very distinguished man.  I went into his house for the first time and laying almost everywhere was pornography.  I was red faced and stunned.  I avoided looking at it, but later felt dirty just because I had seen it.  It disgusted me how it portrayed women and made me sick to my stomach just thinking about the images I saw.  I was so embarrassed I refused to tell anyone about it.  

I want to back track a bit.  While my voice was my greatest asset and brought me such joy, it also was one of my greatest downfalls as well.  My voice didn’t start changing until almost the end of my 17^th year.  This posed a bit of a problem when it came to the locker room during track.  I was short very chubby, so fat and chubby that I had boobs and a very small package.  There was a kid in our town who matured rather early and unbeknownst to me was being molested by his uncle.  We were both very overly embarrassed about how different our bodies looked compared to all the other boys.  He being well developed and I being under developed.  He was the first to get the attention and I could tell he was not too thrilled.  He pointed to me and said look he has got boobs.  Another kid said I can’t see his penis, we have a girl in the locker room.  They proceeded to carry me naked into the Gym and hold the door shut so that I couldn’t get in.  That was the last time I dressed out for anything until I reached High School.  The taunting got worse in High School because PE wasn’t limited to freshmen.  I knew I was a freak and this only made the humiliation worse.

You can imagine my relief when my father announced that we were moving.  Yeah, I would do anything to get away from this place.  Even if it meant I would give up my private music lessons with Jennie.  My fear of the guys was imbedded in me and I was terrified of locker rooms.  Well, when I got to the valley the freshmen were still in Junior High and so Sports wasn’t that bad.  There were guys who looked more like me and I eventually got used to dressing out.  

Voice lessons started again and I wasn’t the only high soprano boy in the choir.  In fact most of the kids my age really gave me props for my pipes and it was refreshing and affirming.  Then the summer hit.  My dad didn’t think it was good for me to sit home all day so he sent me out looking for work.  No one hired kids my age and when they read got my application they could not believe that I had the experience that I did working for my dad.  They all thought I was lying so I couldn’t get a job in the city. 

My Brother in Law had a clothing business up north, so I was shipped to the mountains to work in his business.  I spent more time fixing his yard and tending kids than working in his shop.  While watching his kids, I watched television and they had ALL the cable channels.  I was so hung up on my looks, that I wanted to know what a real man looked like.  For some reason this channel didn’t show the guys.  The rush of possibly getting caught and the wound that I was trying to fill was getting bigger and bigger.  Satan had his hooks in me and my life was forever changed.  I was still sickened by what I saw, yet it was all I could do to not look.  I was a goner.

From that point on I never felt the same.  I was always sick to my stomach.  Even though it was straight porn that I had watched, when I closed my eyes, I didn’t see women.  My dreams became dark and scary and full of fear.  I was always running from some unknown predator.  My innocence was lost.

After 6 months I had worked up enough courage to talk to my bishop.  He was a very kind yet naïve man.  He didn’t seemed upset, but counseled me to read my scriptures and say my prayers.  I was like “you are kidding right”.  I need help.  I was too frightened to tell him that my dreams and thoughts were preoccupied with men and boys.  Everyone was filling out and I was still the same.  A couple of weeks later, my parents took my nephew and I to a meeting where some men were talking about an opportunity to go and pick pineapples in Hawaii.  I went reluctantly.   By the end of the presentation I was begging my parents to let me go.  I signed up to leave two weeks later for a seven month stint.  

Hawaii was amazing.  I loved every minute of it.  I had the option of going to one of two camps and I chose the one with private showers.  Yeah that wound was deep.  

I and eight others arrived five hours earlier than the others.  So we got a special tour of the island then went to camp.  Our trunks and bedrolls came later.  So we had fun exploring the camp and had found our bunks which already had our names on them.  Mine was in the far corner behind a dresser, almost the perfect place.  The guy bunking above me was Dale and he was a quarterback at his High School.  He was dreamy.  Then it came time to pick up the others.  When they arrived it was like the seniors from my old high school were back.  One of the guys had the filthiest mouth, he was built like a tank and was cockier than anyone I had known.  His name was Bill and when he looked at me as I was clinging to the arm of my seat and he smirked.  I had seen that look before and I was in for some trouble. What had I done?  I was scared speechless.  

I lugged my stuff to my bed which seemed much further than I had expected.  Bill carried both his trunk and his bed roll on each shoulder.  When I got to my bed, Bill was laying in it and had half unpacked his stuff.  I was about to cry. 

 I said, “excuse me, but this is my bed”.

He said, “How do you know”

“It has my name on it.”

He ripped off the label with my name and snarled, “Not anymore, go find another place to sleep!?”

I was frozen in place.  Tears were wellling up and I couldn’t speak.  I didn’t even know his name at that time, and I had no idea what to do.  It was then that the first of five guys that I would call prince charming came to my rescue.

Dale hopped off the top bunk and told this guy to get lost.  He explained they started yelling and were about to duke it out.  I couldn’t believe it.  This total stranger was gonna fight for my honor.  Then Bill poked me in the chest and pointed at dale growling, “You and you are dead men!”.  He hauled his trunk away and though relieved the overwhelming feeling was love.  

Dale took me under his wing and we were best buds from then on.  Two months later Bill was sent home for running the plantation owners cows over a cliff.  And I no longer had to deal with him.  By that time I had lost 90 lbs and was buffing up myself.  My voice was still high, but things were changing.  I was in the in crowd and guys were treating me with respect.  Six months later my voice was changing, and I was becoming a man among men.  

A couple of guys in our group, we called it a gang, would run off together and no one could find them.  One of those guys one day walked up to me and offered to let me do stuff to him of a sexual nature.  In the light of day, that was all in good fun.  Then one night he came over and sat on my lap as I lay in bed and he started talking dirty.  It took all I could to prevent myself from reacting.  I knew what he wanted and it was something that would get us both sent home.  I wasn’t going to go there, but I wanted to go there at the same time.  Lucky for me I didn’t go there.

Looking back my real problem was that I was addicted to porn, and madly in love with Dale.  The seven month stint was drawing to a close and I decided to extend my stay.  I was happy here happier than I had ever been.  Dale was ready to go home and that broke my heart.  I stayed on and went to the other camp.  This was going to be a challenge because they had community showers.  What was I going to do.

I met another guy there named Jeremy.  He and I became fast friends, but it was nothing like my relationship with Dale.  He was a nerd like me and somewhat of an outcast.  We liked similar things and he was a great ally.  My fondness grew for Dale though.  Eventually, the four extra months came to a close and I was done.  After the whole camp took a tour of all the Islands we boarded the plane home.

When we arrived my first Luna (Supervisor) Don met me at the airport in Phoenix to welcome me home.  That was awesome.  He was a very kind man.  When I arrived home about thirty minutes later the doorbell rang and my mom said it was for me.  I half expected a girl was at the door.  Nope, it was DALE.  I ran and gave him the biggest hug.  He was in town working for his brother. 

Every chance I could, he and I hung out.  We were connected at the hip as some might say.  He owned a car and we would double date.  He had graduated High School early so he had an apartment and I would spend the night at his place nearly every day.  One night I tried to put the moves on him “in my sleep”.   He punched me and told me to back off.  I knew that it wasn’t meant to be.  

One day he took me to a rated R movie called Lord of the Rings.  I was very leary of that movie because of the rating.  He assured me that there was no sex in it, and that I needed to see it.  I acquiesced and as I watched it, tears flowed down my eyes.  In Hawaii, He was Ralph, and I was Piggie.  Each character resembled someone in our Gang.  It was so freaky how close that movie represented our experience.  I left shaking it affected me that hard.  

By the time Dale left for his mission my feelings for him had dissipated.  I was headed to college back near my home and I had some demons I needed to face back there.  I was now a man and needed those bullies from my home town to see me as a man.  None of the guys that gave me a hard time went to my college and so my plans to prove myself were a bust.  I spent the whole time there fighting my addiction while studying and becoming more and more depressed.

Eventually, I came home and prepared for a mission.  I did one more semester while confessing my porn addiction to my bishop.  I just knew if I confessed my thoughts were all about men, that I would not be allowed to go on a mission.  My bishop offered minimal help and within 2 months I had completed my papers.  Literally a week later my call was in the mail.  Three weeks later I was going to the temple and a week after that I was in the MTC serving a mission to the Deaf in American Sign Language.

To be continued…..

Kent Part 2

Scroll down to read  Kent Part 1

When I got home from my mission, I had always planned to attend school at Brigham Young University. For some reason I decided to come to school down in Mesa instead and everything fell into place. I moved to Mesa and had a job that I ended up working at for 10 years where I learned and grew so much.  I also started dating a girl that I knew from school in Snowflake.  

Dating for me has always been so awkward. I never knew exactly how to act.  I was hesitant to say or do anything wrong with girls because they were so special and perfect in my eyes.  I definitely was always slow to make any moves and when I finally did, I just felt like anything I did was wrong.  I loved hugging kissing and holding hands with girls but it never felt like I wanted or had envisioned it would be like.  During this time I really came to love this girl but could never be completely open and honest with everything in my life. I don’t even know that I truly understood everything going on in my head.  Then she felt like she needed to go on a mission.  This was truly heartbreaking to me because I cared for her so much even though I felt completely awkward around her in a physical sense.  

When she left, I tried dating more and got to know one girl a bit.  Nothing near as serious but all I knew was that I was home from my mission and I needed (replace needed with felt pressure?) to get married.  I had no clue how to act around girls. It felt very awkward.  I was trying to make friends with guys at this time but even that was hard because they were busy from dating.  Luckily I had a great job that kept me busy.  I worked 30+ hours a week and took around 14 credit hours at school.  Needless to say, I didn’t have too much time for a social life but that was ok for me.  I was more interested in completing my education and getting into a career.

When the girl that left on a mission came home, we dated again and I pretty much planned on marrying her.  We dated for a month then both of us came to the conclusion that we weren’t right for each other.  I think we had just gone to different spiritual planes.  I think she progressed on her mission and I digressed.  After she left on her mission I found pornography.  At first I viewed it from curiosity.  I wanted to see how I compared to other guys.  In time though, it just eased the pain and helped me not have to deal with life.  I would indulge for a time and then feel really guilty and clear up for long periods of time.  I would be on this yo-yo of abstinence and then looking again.  I kept coming back then stopping because it gave me bad feelings.  I just felt so dirty but I used it to fulfill my unmet needs or so I thought.  

I started to think that if I just ignore the fact that I was attracted to guys, it would go away.  I suppressed any desire I had for guys and tried to ignore it.  I could be strong for a while but then it kept coming back stronger and I decided to never let anyone know.  I finally told some bishops that I was attracted to guys but they said to just continue dating girls and the attractions would change.  I tried and tried to date but the attractions never left.  The porn addiction also solidified my attractions to guys because that is all I would ever look at.  

I graduated from college and bought my own house.  I got a couple of roommates.  Some I got along really well with and others we got along but we didn’t have much in common.  In my new ward I met a guy who I got along with really well.  I had known him a year or so and we had started doing everything together.  At the beginning I was just trying to earn his attention.  I was never physically attracted to him but I was craving a friend and he seemed like a great friend. We helped each other out a lot with tough things we went through during our friendship.  

After knowing him for a couple years, I had an opening in my house for a roommate and he needed to move from his parents house.  It took a long time but I finally convinced him to move in.  We were basically inseparable.  Everyone knew that we were usually hanging out together.  There was a time that we even worked together.  We would wake up, go into the office work and then come home and do social stuff in the evenings.  We were great at getting people together for activities and I started to feel like I had something I never had before in my life.  I had a friend that liked me just as much as I liked him.  The greatest part was there was no attraction physically, just a good buddy.  Something I always wanted in my life.  

The next part will explain when I finally told the first person besides my bishop that I was attracted to guys and the hope and healing that I got from that.