Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Scroll down to read Jimmy Part 1
We are moving, We are moving, WE ARE MOVING!!!!! Yippie!!! I thought.
Unfortunately, one of my saving Graces was Jennie. She was my private piano and voice teacher. You see I had won a music writing contest when I was in 3rd grade and she had her eye on me from that day forward. I also had a very high mature soprano sounding boy’s voice. Prior to my leaving I had given a recital and 50 people from the town were in attendance. Fifty, that was double the number of people in my class at school. I had won multiple contests and was invited to sing with the local college for the Messiah the previous two years. A gentleman in town, a school teacher, travelled to the next town over to perform and he offered me a ride. He as a very distinguished man. I went into his house for the first time and laying almost everywhere was pornography. I was red faced and stunned. I avoided looking at it, but later felt dirty just because I had seen it. It disgusted me how it portrayed women and made me sick to my stomach just thinking about the images I saw. I was so embarrassed I refused to tell anyone about it.
I want to back track a bit. While my voice was my greatest asset and brought me such joy, it also was one of my greatest downfalls as well. My voice didn’t start changing until almost the end of my 17th year. This posed a bit of a problem when it came to the locker room during track. I was short very chubby, so fat and chubby that I had boobs and a very small package. There was a kid in our town who matured rather early and unbeknownst to me was being molested by his uncle. We were both very overly embarrassed about how different our bodies looked compared to all the other boys. He being well developed and I being under developed. He was the first to get the attention and I could tell he was not too thrilled. He pointed to me and said look he has got boobs. Another kid said I can’t see his penis, we have a girl in the locker room. They proceeded to carry me naked into the Gym and hold the door shut so that I couldn’t get in. That was the last time I dressed out for anything until I reached High School. The taunting got worse in High School because PE wasn’t limited to freshmen. I knew I was a freak and this only made the humiliation worse.
You can imagine my relief when my father announced that we were moving. Yeah, I would do anything to get away from this place. Even if it meant I would give up my private music lessons with Jennie. My fear of the guys was imbedded in me and I was terrified of locker rooms. Well, when I got to the valley the freshmen were still in Junior High and so Sports wasn’t that bad. There were guys who looked more like me and I eventually got used to dressing out.
Voice lessons started again and I wasn’t the only high soprano boy in the choir. In fact most of the kids my age really gave me props for my pipes and it was refreshing and affirming. Then the summer hit. My dad didn’t think it was good for me to sit home all day so he sent me out looking for work. No one hired kids my age and when they read got my application they could not believe that I had the experience that I did working for my dad. They all thought I was lying so I couldn’t get a job in the city.
My Brother in Law had a clothing business up north, so I was shipped to the mountains to work in his business. I spent more time fixing his yard and tending kids than working in his shop. While watching his kids, I watched television and they had ALL the cable channels. I was so hung up on my looks, that I wanted to know what a real man looked like. For some reason this channel didn’t show the guys. The rush of possibly getting caught and the wound that I was trying to fill was getting bigger and bigger. Satan had his hooks in me and my life was forever changed. I was still sickened by what I saw, yet it was all I could do to not look. I was a goner.
From that point on I never felt the same. I was always sick to my stomach. Even though it was straight porn that I had watched, when I closed my eyes, I didn’t see women. My dreams became dark and scary and full of fear. I was always running from some unknown predator. My innocence was lost.
After 6 months I had worked up enough courage to talk to my bishop. He was a very kind yet naïve man. He didn’t seemed upset, but counseled me to read my scriptures and say my prayers. I was like “you are kidding right”. I need help. I was too frightened to tell him that my dreams and thoughts were preoccupied with men and boys. Everyone was filling out and I was still the same. A couple of weeks later, my parents took my nephew and I to a meeting where some men were talking about an opportunity to go and pick pineapples in Hawaii. I went reluctantly. By the end of the presentation I was begging my parents to let me go. I signed up to leave two weeks later for a seven month stint.
Hawaii was amazing. I loved every minute of it. I had the option of going to one of two camps and I chose the one with private showers. Yeah that wound was deep.
I and eight others arrived five hours earlier than the others. So we got a special tour of the island then went to camp. Our trunks and bedrolls came later. So we had fun exploring the camp and had found our bunks which already had our names on them. Mine was in the far corner behind a dresser, almost the perfect place. The guy bunking above me was Dale and he was a quarterback at his High School. He was dreamy. Then it came time to pick up the others. When they arrived it was like the seniors from my old high school were back. One of the guys had the filthiest mouth, he was built like a tank and was cockier than anyone I had known. His name was Bill and when he looked at me as I was clinging to the arm of my seat and he smirked. I had seen that look before and I was in for some trouble. What had I done? I was scared speechless.
I lugged my stuff to my bed which seemed much further than I had expected. Bill carried both his trunk and his bed roll on each shoulder. When I got to my bed, Bill was laying in it and had half unpacked his stuff. I was about to cry.
I said, “excuse me, but this is my bed”.
He said, “How do you know”
“It has my name on it.”
He ripped off the label with my name and snarled, “Not anymore, go find another place to sleep!?”
I was frozen in place. Tears were wellling up and I couldn’t speak. I didn’t even know his name at that time, and I had no idea what to do. It was then that the first of five guys that I would call prince charming came to my rescue.
Dale hopped off the top bunk and told this guy to get lost. He explained they started yelling and were about to duke it out. I couldn’t believe it. This total stranger was gonna fight for my honor. Then Bill poked me in the chest and pointed at dale growling, “You and you are dead men!”. He hauled his trunk away and though relieved the overwhelming feeling was love.
Dale took me under his wing and we were best buds from then on. Two months later Bill was sent home for running the plantation owners cows over a cliff. And I no longer had to deal with him. By that time I had lost 90 lbs and was buffing up myself. My voice was still high, but things were changing. I was in the in crowd and guys were treating me with respect. Six months later my voice was changing, and I was becoming a man among men.
A couple of guys in our group, we called it a gang, would run off together and no one could find them. One of those guys one day walked up to me and offered to let me do stuff to him of a sexual nature. In the light of day, that was all in good fun. Then one night he came over and sat on my lap as I lay in bed and he started talking dirty. It took all I could to prevent myself from reacting. I knew what he wanted and it was something that would get us both sent home. I wasn’t going to go there, but I wanted to go there at the same time. Lucky for me I didn’t go there.
Looking back my real problem was that I was addicted to porn, and madly in love with Dale. The seven month stint was drawing to a close and I decided to extend my stay. I was happy here happier than I had ever been. Dale was ready to go home and that broke my heart. I stayed on and went to the other camp. This was going to be a challenge because they had community showers. What was I going to do.
I met another guy there named Jeremy. He and I became fast friends, but it was nothing like my relationship with Dale. He was a nerd like me and somewhat of an outcast. We liked similar things and he was a great ally. My fondness grew for Dale though. Eventually, the four extra months came to a close and I was done. After the whole camp took a tour of all the Islands we boarded the plane home.
When we arrived my first Luna (Supervisor) Don met me at the airport in Phoenix to welcome me home. That was awesome. He was a very kind man. When I arrived home about thirty minutes later the doorbell rang and my mom said it was for me. I half expected a girl was at the door. Nope, it was DALE. I ran and gave him the biggest hug. He was in town working for his brother.
Every chance I could, he and I hung out. We were connected at the hip as some might say. He owned a car and we would double date. He had graduated High School early so he had an apartment and I would spend the night at his place nearly every day. One night I tried to put the moves on him “in my sleep”. He punched me and told me to back off. I knew that it wasn’t meant to be.
One day he took me to a rated R movie called Lord of the Rings. I was very leary of that movie because of the rating. He assured me that there was no sex in it, and that I needed to see it. I acquiesced and as I watched it, tears flowed down my eyes. In Hawaii, He was Ralph, and I was Piggie. Each character resembled someone in our Gang. It was so freaky how close that movie represented our experience. I left shaking it affected me that hard.
By the time Dale left for his mission my feelings for him had dissipated. I was headed to college back near my home and I had some demons I needed to face back there. I was now a man and needed those bullies from my home town to see me as a man. None of the guys that gave me a hard time went to my college and so my plans to prove myself were a bust. I spent the whole time there fighting my addiction while studying and becoming more and more depressed.
Eventually, I came home and prepared for a mission. I did one more semester while confessing my porn addiction to my bishop. I just knew if I confessed my thoughts were all about men, that I would not be allowed to go on a mission. My bishop offered minimal help and within 2 months I had completed my papers. Literally a week later my call was in the mail. Three weeks later I was going to the temple and a week after that I was in the MTC serving a mission to the Deaf in American Sign Language.
To be continued…..