Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Kent Part 2

Scroll down to read  Kent Part 1

When I got home from my mission, I had always planned to attend school at Brigham Young University. For some reason I decided to come to school down in Mesa instead and everything fell into place. I moved to Mesa and had a job that I ended up working at for 10 years where I learned and grew so much.  I also started dating a girl that I knew from school in Snowflake.  
Dating for me has always been so awkward. I never knew exactly how to act.  I was hesitant to say or do anything wrong with girls because they were so special and perfect in my eyes.  I definitely was always slow to make any moves and when I finally did, I just felt like anything I did was wrong.  I loved hugging kissing and holding hands with girls but it never felt like I wanted or had envisioned it would be like.  During this time I really came to love this girl but could never be completely open and honest with everything in my life. I don’t even know that I truly understood everything going on in my head.  Then she felt like she needed to go on a mission.  This was truly heartbreaking to me because I cared for her so much even though I felt completely awkward around her in a physical sense.  

When she left, I tried dating more and got to know one girl a bit.  Nothing near as serious but all I knew was that I was home from my mission and I needed (replace needed with felt pressure?) to get married.  I had no clue how to act around girls. It felt very awkward.  I was trying to make friends with guys at this time but even that was hard because they were busy from dating.  Luckily I had a great job that kept me busy.  I worked 30+ hours a week and took around 14 credit hours at school.  Needless to say, I didn’t have too much time for a social life but that was ok for me.  I was more interested in completing my education and getting into a career.

When the girl that left on a mission came home, we dated again and I pretty much planned on marrying her.  We dated for a month then both of us came to the conclusion that we weren’t right for each other.  I think we had just gone to different spiritual planes.  I think she progressed on her mission and I digressed.  After she left on her mission I found pornography.  At first I viewed it from curiosity.  I wanted to see how I compared to other guys.  In time though, it just eased the pain and helped me not have to deal with life.  I would indulge for a time and then feel really guilty and clear up for long periods of time.  I would be on this yo-yo of abstinence and then looking again.  I kept coming back then stopping because it gave me bad feelings.  I just felt so dirty but I used it to fulfill my unmet needs or so I thought.  

I started to think that if I just ignore the fact that I was attracted to guys, it would go away.  I suppressed any desire I had for guys and tried to ignore it.  I could be strong for a while but then it kept coming back stronger and I decided to never let anyone know.  I finally told some bishops that I was attracted to guys but they said to just continue dating girls and the attractions would change.  I tried and tried to date but the attractions never left.  The porn addiction also solidified my attractions to guys because that is all I would ever look at.  

I graduated from college and bought my own house.  I got a couple of roommates.  Some I got along really well with and others we got along but we didn’t have much in common.  In my new ward I met a guy who I got along with really well.  I had known him a year or so and we had started doing everything together.  At the beginning I was just trying to earn his attention.  I was never physically attracted to him but I was craving a friend and he seemed like a great friend. We helped each other out a lot with tough things we went through during our friendship.  
After knowing him for a couple years, I had an opening in my house for a roommate and he needed to move from his parents house.  It took a long time but I finally convinced him to move in.  We were basically inseparable.  Everyone knew that we were usually hanging out together.  There was a time that we even worked together.  We would wake up, go into the office work and then come home and do social stuff in the evenings.  We were great at getting people together for activities and I started to feel like I had something I never had before in my life.  I had a friend that liked me just as much as I liked him.  The greatest part was there was no attraction physically, just a good buddy.  Something I always wanted in my life.  

The next part will explain when I finally told the first person besides my bishop that I was attracted to guys and the hope and healing that I got from that.

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