Thursday, December 29, 2016

The Need for Physical Touch

Hello,  Just a thought.  There seems to be so much misunderstanding about intimate relationships between men these days.  I get so frustrated hearing all the stories that physical  is all about sex.  When did hugging a man or wanting to be closer to a man become all about sex.  I love reading about friendships in the early days of our country.  Although there are those that would state that these stories are perfect examples of gay relationships.  I disagree completely.  These are stories about men just plain enjoying their friendships beyond today's complicated rules.  I really enjoy reading their letters to each other.  Flowery and sweet,  I love that and wish we could be more open in today's world.  Those men really knew how to express and show how they really felt about each other.  I also love the photos of friends in the past.  Intimate and loving.  I have to believe that they were not sexual with each other,  they just enjoyed being together, and expressing those feelings more openly.  We could take lessons from them and in the process learn and practice what they did.

In our society there is a great need for men to open up and be transparent with each other. We are not allowed that and if we do cross the lines of being transparent and open we are labeled.  I have dealt with those labels all my life and even more so in the last few years as I have opened up and shared very private parts of my life with others.  I am unique in that I feel I have a great understanding about men and close relationships with men.  All my life, or since I was young man I have had really amazing experiences dealing with men.  I have enjoyed wonderful close friendships with men and understand that men can have healthy close relationships with other men and not compromise covenants or promises made with others.   Meaning that my friendships have nothing to do with sex, but everything to do with being open and honest.  

The problem is that in today's world everything is so sexualized.  From simple hugs to just holding it always leads to sex in our societies mind.   When men are not allowed to freely express how they feel between each other they tend to act out in other ways. Research has found that when men are allowed and find ways to express themselves freely between other men,  they are happier and tend to make better choices in life.  

One of the main reasons that we all get confused  is that we all have physical bodies and they tend to react to affection in uncomfortable ways, even when the intentions are good and clean. I feel that there needs to be more frank  and open discussion and teaching on the subject of our bodies and how they work and how to deal with how that can affect our relationships with other men.  Men are confused thinking that if they get an erection there must be something wrong with them and shame comes in and Satan distorts the whole picture.   When that happens men tend to be uncomfortable creating close relationships for  fear of what might happen.  That fear closes doors and might lead to long term wonderful friendships.  

Many men  are aching for physical relationships with other men.  Not a sexual relationship, but a healthy physical friendship.   Holding and hugging in a healthy way.  We have been so trained to think that it is wrong and so we avoid it  and live in turmoil for a core need that is not being met.  It is a core need for many and it needs  to be discussed openly in a positive way that heals and builds.

I am confident that it can be done in healthy way that heals and helps men stay the course. Meaning that men can have good relationships with other men and they don't have to be sexual in any way.  Even if  and when the body reacts, that does not mean it is sexual and should definitely not keep us from reaching out and forming close relationships with others.

I have found  in my working with men that most men want and need physical touch and when is met in a good healthy safe way men tend not do not act out in bad ways, like pron, masturbation, and other ways.   When core needs are not met human nature is to try to find a way to fill the need.

What can we do to teach men a better way?  I think we need to be more understanding and not jump to conclusions that if a man is wanting a close relationship with another man it does not mean he wants a sexual relationship with a man.  I personally enjoy my friendships with other men and I never think of sex or anything inappropriate with a man. In fact it is just the opposite.  I enjoy a deeper friendship and closeness when I have those relationships in a healthy way.

Indeed the great test we have in this mortal life is to keep physical within the boundaries the God has set.  I believe that we can  establish this kind of relationship with another man and keep in within the boundaries the God has set and when we do we can and will experience JOY beyond our comprehension.

Remember David’s statement about his love for Jonathan.  He states his love was sweeter for him then the love of a woman.  I love that the word sweeter is used.  Not more passionate or physical but sweeter.  Those terms are physical while the term sweeter to me refers to spiritual.  So as we learn to grasp the spiritual and ignore the physical in our friendships with other men, a sweetness comes into our relationship and we really can experience Christlike love for another man.  That love can exceed our expectations in a deeper sense then we can understand until it happens.  And when it happens it truly can be a great thing.  

On statement Jonathan made that totally expresses how I like to have friendships is he told David several times "The Lord is between me and thee".  That is really the foundation of a great friendship.  With the Lord in the middle men can establish great loving friendships that bless and build each other in good ways.   I think David was a great king because of his friendship with Jonathan.  True friendships build and lift.  

Sorry to go on and on about this topic.  Dealing with this has been a huge burden and blessing  in my life and as I have looked and prayed for guidance I have been richly blessed and I have learned many things that have brought me greater joy and peace.  Along with that joy and peace comes to my mind a constant reminder that I am being taught to teach others.    

I hope you have a joyous day as you learn to be more physical in your friendships.  Allowing more open interaction with those around you.  Thank you for all you do and for providing a safe and hopefully sacred place for those around you to learn and develop pure Christlike personal intimate relationships.   It can bring them and you greater joy and peace.   

I wish you great success as you learn to more open and trusting.  Brad

This blog has been a blessing and a trial.  It's hard to be transparent in our culture.  We get judged harshly and without understanding.  From my experiences I have learned to be more understanding and less judgmental.  My heart goes out to so many who struggle and it's my constant prayer that perhaps what I write will bless just one person.  
Feel free to comment below.  Sign up on the side bar and you will get automatic notices when I post a new blog.  Thank you for reading, understanding, and sharing.   And please feel free to share with others.  You never know who just might need encouragement.   Brad 


  1. I love all that you say here and couldn't agree more. I think men need men, they need intimacy with men and it is different that the love of women, it is a bonding and a thing that helps me to find joy and is something I long for dreadfully each day it is not there. All my life I have longed for such a loving and physical, mental, spiritual relationship with another man. Those short bursts of experiences when I have been blessed to have it have been among the greatest and happiest of my life.

  2. I could not agree more with you, unfortunately every aspect of our life among men has been sexualized, by the media and our own judgemental attitude. However, i do believe its possible with the right person and under the right circumstances to experience an unbreakable bond forged between the love two men may feel for each other and physically enjoy each others company without the need for sexual relations.