Man to Man ~ A conversation about friendships

Long-term, meaningful relationships with other men are a strong endorsement of manhood.

The more I learn about men and relationships men have or don't have,  the more I am amazed at how Society has totally messed it up. We are not allowed to have those long-term, meaningful relationships, man to man,  that so many of us need and desperately want. I am not talking about the buddies we hang out with in bars or watch the super bowl with or smile at in church,  I am talking about relationships with men that are deep and meaningful.  Friendships where we can cry if we need to or just vent freely the deep struggles we are having with out feeling we are not less then what we are.   

We are allowed to have superficial friendships that are totally devoid of transparency and intimacy.  I must tell you that when I say intimacy I am not referring to sex.  Intimacy in friendships to me means open honest transparent relationships that can include healthy touch.  Healthy touch could be hugs, holding, holding hands, and  experiencing touch other then a slap on the back or a high five.  

Most men have the need of expressing deeper feelings other then the weather or sports talk. We are not allowed to be sensitive or emotional. When we do we are thought to not be a man's man in a man's world.  We are called many other things and struggle to feel secure in a world where that kind of behavior is not allowed or understood.  

From a personal side, from a very young age I struggled with this.  I preferred not playing sports.  I liked music and art and writing poetry.  I was not accepted.  Times have changed a lot, men are allowed to like music, write poetry, and not even like sports.  On the other side, I was emotional, sensitive, touchy, and wanted to be  transparent. I was shunned and abused.  In that regard times have not changed much.  We are not really allowed to be emotional, sensitive, or touchy. When we are, look out.  We are instantly branded and labeled.  

So we hide behind our macho masks and pretend to be tough and mean.  We spit, cuss, and beat our chests, while on the inside we would just once in a while like to be understood and appreciated for not being what everyone thinks we should be and especially with another man.  

I have learned to be a man that does not worry much about what other men think.  In saying that, it has been a process.  For many years I did mind and I did my best to be different.  I found the greatest peace was when I owned up to the fact that I could be me.  Yes I am strong, confident, and manly, but I am also tender, sensitive, and huggable. 

In my journey I have found that there are many men who want to same, but have no idea how to go about it. Many live in fear, so much so  they stay behind the walls and deprive themselves of wonderful meaningful deep intimate relationships with other men.

So the question might be, Just how do I create relationships like that?  Good question, for me it was just learning to be open and not being afraid to approach other men, especially when I feel a connection with them.  You know the feeling.  You meet someone and instantly you feel connected with them, like you have been friends for a long time.  That feeling alone can often times scare a man.

Don't be fearful. Chances are the other man is feeling the same connection with you, but is in the same place.  I have to say that every time I have followed that feeling I have ended up with a great friend.   And often times I have had to be the teacher and help them get over the fear factor of having a more meaningful deep friendship.  

I hug all my friends,  express to them often how much I appreciate them and I open up and share with them.  There are just things that only men can understand and I seek understanding from them.  

I have found that all men are on the same journey.  We all want to be better and whether or not we will admit it we want more out of our friendships.  

For me being a real man is being able to create meaningful intimate transparent relationships with other men.  Take a risk.  It has been the greatest thing I have ever done. 

And truth be known men,  when you learn how to have these kind of relationships with men in improves your relationships with the women in your lives. 

There is a lot of criticism with about men in the early days. From their actions many assumptions are made.  The letters they wrote to each other were like love letters, filled with kind words and loving thoughts.  They also slept in the same bed when traveling, held hands, and were very affectionate to each other.   How about this assumption,  They were friends that understood just how to be a good  friend.  They were comfortable enough with who they were to be a good friend.  I love the passionate letters they wrote to each other,  I love affection they displayed to each other in public.  I love those stories and have decided I want to be that kind of man. 

Join me men everywhere.  Let's create the kind of friendships we want and not let the world dictate to us how to be a friend.  Take a chance.  Enjoy the journey.

Brad
Friend of Men Everywhere  

Crazy, It would be Crazy

Life is all about choices.  Every day we make choices,  some really small and others really big.  Sometimes the small little choices have the biggest consequences and the big choices have small ones.  We never know when we make a choice what the consequences will be, large or small, we have no way of knowing the outcome.

At least most of the time we have no way of knowing,  but there are some choices when we make them we are pretty sure the outcome and yet we still make the choice and even when we know the outcome there are so many variables that we cannot even begin to understand or comprehend.

Years ago as a young missionary in the Dominican Republic I made a choice to do something having no idea the outcome.  In fact I never even gave it one moment of thought.   One day I made a choice to buy shoe shine box and go shine the shoes of a family that we were teaching.  I had a pretty good idea what the consequence would be.  They would go to church the next day.  We arrived at the door after a pretty interesting walk through town carrying a shoe shine box on my shoulder.  We were laughed at and jeered at as we carried a shoe shin box down the streets.  I guess it was a pretty unusual sight,  two America boys with a shoe shine box.

We finally arrived at the home of the Mendez family.  We knocked on the door holding our shoe shine box.  Brother Mendez opened the door and looked at us with a questioning face.   "What are you doing here Elders?"  he asked.  "We are here to shine your shoes for church tomorrow."  We exclaimed.

Brother Mendez looked at his daughter and said "we have learned something about the Mormons today."   We entered the house and shined every ones shoes.  The Mendez family came to church the next day and I forgot about that experience for along time.

That was one of those times where the small choice turned out way bigger then I could have thought.
Years later I discovered that Brother Mendez had written that experience down, for him it changed his life,  and mailed the letter to my Mission President.   He in turn shared the story with hundreds of missionaries over the years.  I had no idea that our choice to shine shoes would effect so many.

The really interesting part of that story for me happened 20 years after the experience.  My wife and I traveled to the Dominican Republic for the dedication of the new LDS Temple.  It was a huge event and I had not had contact with anyone there for over 20 years.  Back in those days we didn't have Face book or email.  It was harder to keep in touch.  Anyway,  we arrived in the DR and had a great experience.  One evening we went to an event in the home of a family I had taught 20 years ago in a city I had served in.  Many came to see me and my wife.  Among those in attendance were several missionaries that had served 16 years after me and Brother Mendez was also in attendance.

They were all sharing stories.  Remembering when type of things.  It was wonderful indeed.  At one point Brother Mendez asked,  "Petersen, remember when you came and shined our shoes for church?"  I laughed as I remembered it like it was yesterday.   All of the sudden the missionaries that had served 16 years after me exclaimed loudly,  "Wait, your the shoe shine missionary?"   "Your a legend in this mission".

I have to admit that I cried and laughed.  We all laughed and cried.  It was a joyful moment.  That night I learned a powerful lesson, one that I have never forgotten.  One that has guided my choices and I am sure will continue to guide them the rest of my life.

The lesson was this,  we never know the impact our choices will make and it's often the small and simple things that we do  that have the biggest impact on those around us.  Choices we make that are simple or big, we just never really know exactly how they will impact others.  

One of my favorite music groups has a song out  and I love the lyrics.  Mercy Me is the group and the song is "Crazy".  It talks about choice and how we would be crazy to choose the wisdom of the world over eternity.  I have thought about that a lot lately.  We are surrounded by the wisdom of the world and we are often told that is how it is, that we need to above all, follow the wisdom of the world.  That wisdom often over powers all we hold dear and valuable.  In the process of following the world we make choices that not only effect us here but forever,  eternity.

Recently I went to a wedding of my best friends son.  It was interesting,  it was a gay wedding.  I was overpowered with the consequences of choices that were made that night.  From the parents to the men getting married.   The choice of the parents to support their son, even though it was probably the hardest thing they have ever done, the choice of those attending showing support even though they did not approve of the choice,  the choice of boys getting married, following the wisdom of the world.  I am not judging, just my observations of the event.

For me I felt the impact of so many choices.  Choices that probably at the moment were not really thought about but the impact of so many of those choices have eternal consequences,  and if not eternal, far reaching that will indeed effect so many lives.   Time alone will be the judge of whether or not little or big things come from the choices we make each day in our lives.  

Indeed it would be crazy to follow the wisdom of the world when so much of that wisdom does effect  lives here and after.   It is usually the small and simple things that bring about the largest changes and often, actually more then often we never get to see the consequences of our choices.  Good and bad we cannot avoid what will happen when we make a choice.  And just think, if the small and simple things we do can cause such great things to happen in life,  what happens with the big choices we make in life.  Wow, defiantly food for thought.

Again,  I am not judging anyone for their choices.  I just wanted to offer food for thought.  Often times when I write this blog it is for me and I often learn and grow in the process.

Don't Be Crazy
Brad

The ManKind Project~Helping Men Grow Up

This past year has been a really busy one for me.   I have been running all over teaching and enjoying the great adventure of life.  In May of this year I had the amazing privilege of going through the ManKind Project in Prescott Az.

The ManKind Project is an international organization designed to help men grow up.  It's purpose is to help men be better husbands, fathers, employees, companions, friends,  neighbors, and citizens.

I was nervous about the entire weekend and filled with dread and anticipation about it.  Friends recommended, highly recommended it and something just told me I needed to go.  I signed up six months before the actually weekend and before I knew it I was there.

I was intriged by what I was told and by the web site they have that talks about the weekend.  I was, I have to admit really scared about going.  The weekend was filled with strong macho men, the type that always have made me nervous to be around.  Not that I have anything against that type of man, but that I have always felt less of myself around strong got it together men.  So I was terrified.

They don't tell you much about the weekend.  They want you to come without any preconceived notions about what goes on so they ask those that have been before not to share to much.  So I really had no idea what was going to happen other than there would be some processes to help me be a better person.

I have to say it was one of the best experiences of my life.   I really am frustrated that I had to wait so long for that type of experience to actually happen to me.   It was beyond anything I could have imagined on my  own.  Filled with fun, work, and the opportunity to get to know some absolutely amazing men and in the process I learned so much about myself.

I learned that as a man I am just like most men.  Struggling with life, trying to make sense of  the journey, doing my best, which is most often not that great.  I learned that those macho men that scare me are great men just like me trying to do the best they can.  Often times men, me included, create masks to hide what is really going on inside.   We do that to protect ourselves from being hurt or beat up.

I learned that each of use are facing difficult challenges, from work to home,  being a dad to being a man in today's world.  From serving the community to making our marriages work better,  from gender identity to building meaningfull relationships with those around us.   Each man is on a journey.

The Mankind Project really opened up my eyes to life and the journey we are each on and just how important it is to learn how to deal with our past, present, and future in way that we can be the best in all  area of our lives.

With all my heart I Love the ManKind Project.  Since my Warrior Weekend Experience,  I have learned so much about me.  And I have to say the most important thing I have gained is the affirmation that I am a good man.   Sounds funny, but my life time struggle has been believing that I have value and worth.  The ManKind Project in it's amazing way has opened up a door for me that I have looked for my entire life,  Understanding my Worth and more important learning how to use the worth that  I have to be a better husband, father, friend, man of faith, employee, person, and man.

I like most men,  have a long way to go on my journey of being a Man, but with the things I am learning from the Mankind Project, for the first time in my life I see hope and in the hope I am finding greater joy in my relationships.  My marriage is growing stronger,  I am seeing hope for my career, and I am enjoying the newfound friendships that encourage me and help me see who I really am and I have to say I like what I am seeing.

Men don't wait to long to discover your real potential.  It's time to grow up.  Find out if the ManKind Project might just what you need in our life.

For me, it came just when I needed it and I cannot express the fullness and joy I am experiencing in life because of the tools I have learned to help me deal with the life.  It's a journey, but we don't have to do it along and without understanding.

The ManKind Projects offers weekend experiences that are called The New Warrior Training Adventure.  They are all over the world.  You can go to www.mankindproject.org to learn more.  I highly recommend the New Warrior Training Weekend to any man who just wants to be better and connect with other men who are on the same journey of being a good man in today's world.  It's a life changing adventure.

If you know a man or are a man that needs to grow up,  take a good look at the ManKind Project.  It might be just what is needed.  

Aho
Brad
Black Panther

PS  The next New Warrior Training for Arizona is in October of this year.  You don't have to live in Arizona to come to the this one, and  I am serving on staff.  Sign up, only 32 men are allowed on each weekend.  If you have any questions let me know.

The Need for Physical Touch

We live in a society starved by physical touch.  We are taught to avoid it from all sides for many different reasons.  Some of the reasons are based on fear of rejection, fear of being too familiar, or fear of being inappropriate. Whatever the reason many live starved for touch. 

Touch is one of the most basic of human needs. It starts out while we are in the womb and greatly defines us in childhood. Indeed, there have been many studies on the effects of touch in infants and always the end result is that when there is touch, the infant grows better and happier and is even physically healthier.  

As children our need for touch grows and as we receive it we grow emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. When we receive the right kind of touch we are confident in the things we do. Healthy touch is so vital in our growth that without it we suffer deeply and the wounds often take years to heal if they heal at all.

From the basic holding hands to hugging and holding, touch can be healthy on every level.  When we take it out of our lives we suffer emotional damage and its effects can be felt deeply in all areas of our lives. 

Each of us has different emotional, mental, physical, and touch needs. One of the most important things I have learned recently is that "core needs" are non-negotiable, meaning that some needs cannot be negotiated out of our lives. When we push a core need out, there are always consequences. Touch is a huge core need for most of us and we live in a society where we are seeing the results of cutting out the core need of touch. 

Many are confused about gender, how to have healthy relationships, strong marriages, even friendships are put on the line as a result of lack of touch. Touch is so vital to healthy relationships, but even more so for personal health and well-being.  When we deny ourselves of core needs we suffer. 

It has been discovered that when we deprive ourselves of core needs we act out in other ways to fill the need. Often, struggles with pornography, addictions, depression, social discomfort, and many other problems can be traced to the lack of touch.  

Personally, I get so frustrated in a society that tells me that touch is not appropriate. That we do not need touch and that we are ok without it.  I get frustrated when we are denied "core needs" on the basis of what is politically correct or what is based on our Christian standards. We fear what we don't understand and touch is so misunderstood in our day. We think it strange when men hug, hold hands, or have the need to be held by a man. Those that express those needs are shamed and felt ostracized from society. 

Out of fear of being judged, many are left hurting and in great need of something this is so needed and I might add natural. Many are left confused when the heart tells them they have a core need, but society tells them that they are not normal when they express the need. 

Touch is good.  Healthy touch is a great gift and can change lives.  The need for physical touch is not going to go away. We need to address it openly and honestly. We need to come to the understanding that there are many that have core needs that need to be met and faced. We have to get away from judging and shaming those things we don't understand completely. Perhaps I might not have the need for touch that someone else has, but I need to understand that they might have needs that I don't get or understand. That does not make it bad or even wrong, it only means I don't understand. 

Many are hurting deeply, craving the deep need for touch in their lives. As a society we need to come to understand what we as individuals can do to help those that are starving for something as basic and easy to give as touch. 

Hooray to the man that will hold his friend, even if he feels weird and out of place, but understands his friend needs to be hugged. Hat's off to the man who can sit and hold hands as he comforts his friend who needs more than just words. I applaud the man who looks beyond modern convention and rules to really learn the power of touch and how effective it can be in creating intimate healthy wonderful meaningful relationships with other men. We have to get away from the idea that touch is sex.  Once we pass that obstacle, touch can become a meaningful healthy part of our relationships and in the process can heal deep wounds that often can hold us back.

Personally, I confess. I love touch. I realized for me, having grown up in basically a touch free home, that I had a great need to feel that connection with men. I discovered it is a core need for me. For years I pushed it under a rug from fear and shame. Feeling confused and frustrated by a need that society does not address or understand. It is not about sex, it's about having a deeper more meaningful relationship with my friends. I love to hug them and I enjoy when we are talking deeply to hold hands with them. When life is really dark, a good hold is amazing. It heals me like nothing else. I discovered that for me it's a deeper connection and my friendships are more meaningful. I state again that it is not about sex, it's about connection and affirmation that makes touch an important part of my life.  

Touch is vital. I encourage you to take a look at your life and the lives of those around you. Be sensitive to the touch needs of family members, friends, and others that we come in contact with. Touch can heal, lift, strengthen, affirm, comfort, sooth, and make life just plain down right better.  

And please be cautious to judge someone when you see them doing something that you just might not understand. They could just be having a core need filled that just might be the difference between life or death for them. Something like a simple hug or even holding a hand can change a life.  I clearly remember a time in my life where the difference between me making it or not, changed by the actions of one young man that was not afraid to hold me when my life depended on it.  I am forever grateful for this man who stepped outside of his comfort zone when it was hard for him to do so to save my life. 

 Touch has been a powerful influence in my life. I understand and see the power it can have when it is done safe and with respect to boundaries and each person’s personal convictions.  

So go out and hug someone today. Hold someone and change a life forever.

Brad

If this blog resonates with you, please share with others.  There are many struggling with topics I cover on this blog.  Thank you for your support and encouragement.  

Feel Free to comment below.  Your comments are appreciated and enjoyed. 

Gift of God or Curse

Often times it is the way you look at something that determines its value.  For example, the common dandelion plant is considered by many a horrible uncontrollable weed. It is hated and despised, yet it is one of nature’s greatest treasures. It has been used for salads, cleansing the body, and removing warts. Pages and pages have described the benefits of this so called common weed that seems to overtake and discourage many.  

 

Recently I was asked to listen to an article that talked about how being gay was a gift from God. There was so much good in the article, but there were some things that I wanted to express and define to help create a greater understanding. So often men are put in that category simply because they show a sensitive sweet side.  I often get offended that our society is so quick to judge men when they don't fit the norm of what we think a man should be.  For example, if they are tender and kind and not beating their chests they are assumed to be gay. 

 

Read this next line carefully.  I have to agree that being gay is a gift from God if your referring to men that are tender, kind, and sensitive. However, not all men that are tender, kind and sensitive are gay.  Most men that I have met that seem to be sensitive, kind, tender, and most important, in tune to spiritual things are labeled and mostly what sets them apart from other men is their "sensitive" side. Truth be known, for some reason, being labeled, seems to be the trial in life for men that are on the sensitive side. 

 

As young as I can remember, I was teased, mocked, scorned, laughed at, judged, humiliated, despised, beat-up, kicked around, spit upon, and shunned for being a sensitive, tender, kind boy. I was called gay and fagot so often that I almost believed it. Even my parents wondered about me and my mom frequently had talks with me about that issue. 

 

I was constantly encouraged to change my behavior, do sports, and other ‘manly’ things. I felt stupid because I liked to grow things, write poems, lip sync to Haley Mills, and yes even dress up.   I hated baseball, hunting, and most boy things. I cried easily and felt things deeply. I had a knack for house cleaning, cooking, and babysitting. 

 

School was by far the worst.  In my school there were hippies, jocks, cowboys, and Mormons. I practiced none of the above and there was not a place at my school for sensitive sweet boys. No one knew how to handle me. When no one knows what to do they tend to do the wrong thing. I hated school. It was painful every day. One of my worst memories, and I have many, was walking into the locker room and hearing laughing. I heard "Hey coach, have you heard the latest? Brad is a faggot!" I remember looking at them and feeling so stupid and I looked to the coach for help and he just laughed with them. 

 

Home was not a place of refuge either.  Dad was a cowboy and just did not understand what to do with this boy that was considered a sissy. To be perfectly honest, I was a sissy. He tried to understand me and I tried to gain his approval. I did join the football team once just to prove I could do it and gain his approval as that of others. It was a disaster and I hated every moment.  The only good thing was I remember the feeling when I was able to tell my parents I made the team. The look in their eyes was glorious. If only that look could have been there when I did the things I loved. I didn't last long. None of the other team members welcomed me and made me feel like I belonged. I hid in the bus at games afraid I would have to play. I just couldn’t do it.  

 

All those years I really believed that my tender nature was a curse. I was angry with God and the world because I was not loved or understood. I could not be me and be loved at the same time. I would create all these different personalities to please everyone in my world. It was a hard time. I tried to be macho and tuff. I tried not to cry at movies or get overly passionate about things.  I fought my tender side and loving nature. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not change the person I was. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was not a macho man. 

 

At times, life has been extremely difficult. Many times I have been frustrated not understanding why I was created different from others.  It took a long time for me to finally embrace who I was and feel comfortable being "different".   For me the journey is not about being gay, it's about being in touch with the man God created and liking him despite what others think and judge.  It's hard when so many tell you one thing and you’re feel something different.  I decided that I am like the dandelion, totally bright and flowery. I stick out wherever I go, and many just look at me like I am a weed not understanding that under that flowery perhaps feminine cover is real stuff. Strong and useful beyond understanding, I have come to understand that like the dandelion my differences are a great blessing in disguise. What to some may seem a curse,  really is a great blessing.  My differences like the dandelion if understood and used properly can bless others in great ways.  

 

Perhaps we should take a lesson from the wonderful dandelion plant.  Small and misunderstood as many are in the world, when we take a closer look there is value in every part of a person just like the plant, from head to toe, every human being, no matter the difference, has great value.  What may be considered a weed to some is a wonderful flower filled with beauty and goodness.  

 

I have been labeled many things and am still constantly being labeled and misunderstood for the things I do. It has taught me to be more accepting of others and most important it has taught me to trust in a God that created me.  He has his divine purpose and as I learn to trust in Him, I have learned to love and accept who I am and I am better able to combat the constant judgements of others. I trust and follow Him and find great peace in the journey.  

 

Boldly I declare I am a man, yes I cry at movies, well truth be known, I cry over a lot of things. I love gardening, cooking, chic flicks, romance novels, and life.  I enjoy making friends and am overly passionate about a lot of things. Yes I still like wearing bright colorful things but I also can appreciate sports, working out, shooting, spitting, burping, and just being macho. I enjoy hugs from men and I love men that are sensitive, open, and dare to be who they are.  

 

Saying that, I leave the judgement to you about what kind of man I am, and say we are all in our uniqueness, gifts from God.  

 Brad

Please feel free to comment below.  Your comments are apppreciated.  Thank you for reading and please share when needed.  

Love, More Powerful than Principle

Recently  I had a conversation with a dear friend about an upcoming event in their lives that they choose not to attend. The choice was based on principle.  They are strong christians and believed that by not attending the event they were making a strong stand on what they believed.   

Often times in life we have these choices to make.  We have our strong Christian standards that come hell or high water we will maintain no matter what the cost.

My purpose of this blog is to remind us that Love in more powerful than principle.

I totally get the fact that we have to stay true to our standards.  I totally understand that we have to be true to what we believe and I get the fact that we have be true to the faith.  But on the other hand when principle totally overlooks love, I have issues.  

Often times I get frustrated with our culture where Principle is the guiding factor,  meaning that the rules often  over look the person and in the process the person is left hurt, confused,  and wondering what is up. I am not saying that Principle is not important.  

Our good intentions to be right and live up to our Principles often do more damage than good.  We need to ask ourselves what motivates our actions.  Is it love or principle.  Nothing wrong with principle as long as it is motivated by love and not by self righteous or prideful judgment.  

I  realized something the other day.  Often times when someone ask us to do something that is against our belief, what they are really asking is,  "Do you love me more than the principle, or is the principle more important than your love for me"?    Most often the offender already knows how you feel and what your standing is,  they are just checking to see where your heart is.  

Let me give you an example.  Recently a friend expressed how they had told their son that they would not be attending his wedding.  It was against everything they believed.  Their son is getting married to another man.  I can see perfectly how that would go against all they believe.  Having thought about it I decided that here was a great example. 

 Chances are the son knows exactly how the parents feel,  the son was raised in the same faith and knows he has broken their hearts.  Yet he asked them to attend.   Common sense would dictate that they should not go.  After all it is against all their principles and standards.  The son knows this. One might ask why would he even bother asking when is knows just how they feel.    

In defense of the Parents.  I get it,  it would be devastating to have a son tell you he was getting married to a man.  His parents, their entire lives have been taught how wrong that is and it goes against all they believe.  It would be a huge challenge to support something so against all they believe.   They honestly feel justified in their choice not to attend and they feel that not going sends a message to their son that they do not approve and to all the family it sends the message that they are faithful and will not be taken off course.  

I admire the courage it takes to take a stand, but let’s take a look at it in a different light.  What is the message they are really sending to their son and family.    The message is that principle is more important than the person.  Love comes in second to principle.  Sorry,  you may be saying now that it is love when we stand our ground and stay true to our beliefs.   

Can we have both,  principle and love.  Yes,  I firmly believe that we can.  I believe that we can hold to our principle and love at the same time.  I don't think we have to comprise who we are or how we feel or what we believe when others do things we are not comfortable with.   

In regards to the parents who's son is marrying a man.  I believe the son knows perfectly well where the parents stand.  I think that when he was asking for them to come he was really asking how much do they love him.  The parents could express their views and beliefs, and express that coming to the event does not change their values.   Going does not mean they embrace the lifestyle and that it is not their choice.  Having expressed that the parents could then tell the son that in view of all that they will attend because the love for the him outweighs the choice he has made.  

That in no way condones his choice,  but it does validate their love for their son despite his choice.  That in no way takes away the faith and commitment to what they believe, in fact that adds credibility to their faith and beliefs, especially when it is a christian belief.  

Can you see the message they are sending their son and family now.  They are saying that Love is more powerful than principle.  That the love of the family is the most important thing ever and no matter what the choice their children make,  they are there for them, to love them, even when they make choices that they do not condone, or want, or understand.  

In no way am I condoning or justifying behaviors of others that go against personal and religious beliefs.  All I am saying is that often times choices others make are out of our control and when that happens we have a choice.  To abandon and shun them, cutting them out of our lives and taking ourselves out of their lives.  Or  we can stay true to what we believe and stand strong in our standards never wavering, and at the same time love them.  That does not mean we have to embrace the lifestyle or choices they make, but it does mean we can still love and honor them for who they are despite choices they make that we might not understand or believe.  And in the process we can still maintain our personal standards and beliefs.  

Whether or not you believe in Jesus Christ,  he was and is the perfect example.  He never shunned or shamed the sinner.  If you remember he choose to with them that had different beliefs and standards then he did.  He understood that love and acceptance does not involve lowering your standards, in fact as we love others, it adds strength to our standards and it adds power to our ability to love and lift.  How can we possibly love as the Savior did when we place the principle over the person.    He never lowered his standard, but loved and lifted others by loving them even when their choices were not his.  

The long term effects of our loving others regardless of the choices they may make far out weigh the short term effects of our standing firm to our precious principles.

Love should always be stronger and more important than principle.  Love is the power that changes lives, softens hearts, and cements family hearts together forever.  Principles are important and powerful, but if they divide the family, where is the value in our principles? 

I believe with all my heart that Love is more powerful than Principle.  And as we love regardless of choices others make, our hearts are filled with grace and joy.  

Brad 

Please feel free to comment below.  

Transparency and Shame, What's Your Game?

Recently I was able to attend a weekend event/workshop for men.   It was amazing in every way and I have to say it was life changing.   One of the  life changing parts was what I learned about Transparency.

We tend to be a very non transparent society.  We don't know how to be open and transparent with each other.  I think women tend to be more so in their relationships,  but men for the most part don't get it.  We have certain images to protect and to be transparent would destroy the image we want others to think we are.  

Most of us like to be tuff and strong, or at least put off that image.  We want everyone to think we have it together and we are invincible.  We give off macho energy and strut and beat our chests to prove we are men.

What I loved about the weekend experience was to be with a group of men that were for the most part macho men, but went through a process of learning how to be transparent.  It was so amazing to see the change that took place in each of us as we learned to be more open and honest, transparent and kind.

I left wishing that life could be more like that.  I left wishing that men could be more open with each other and more honest, leaving behind the walls that our society dictates we have.

I am the first to admit,  I have those walls built up around me  and hide behind the guise of being a strong man that can handle life, when in truth, I have weaknesses and shortcomings that I hide and pray no one finds out about.

What would it be like if we could be open with others and share freely the struggles we are having without worrying about being shunned or shamed by others.

We are so quick to judge and we are even quicker to hide behind our walls and images of perfection.

Recently I did an exercise with a group of men.  It proved to be a very educational event to say the least.   I asked each man in the group to first share something that they felt shame over that had happened in the past year.  It was interesting.  Each man including myself had no problem coming up with something that we felt shame for.  Each had the opportunity to share.  Some were hard to hear, but the interesting thing was as each talked there was no feeling of judgement or shame.  After each had shared  I asked how everyone felt.  Particularly in regards to how each felt about what the other persons that had shared.  It was unanimous that there was an increase of love and compassion.  It was affirming to hear that others suffered and carried shame for things they had done and that they each had struggles and hardships, most were not the same, but each had struggles just the same.  It was amazing to see the out pouring of love and understanding we all felt towards each other.

Next I asked them to share two things they loved about themselves.  Interesting was the fact that it was a lot harder to find something good to share compared to how easy it was to find shame.   And it was more difficult to share.  We are so used to being shamed and defining who we are by our weaknesses that we find it difficult to express our strengths.  Every man in the group actually struggled to express and think of good things they loved about themselves.  I was so amazed at the entire experience.  It taught me so much about how important it is to see and validate our own personal strengths and to express in others the good we see in them.

So, first and foremost I learned that given the chance most men admire transparency and the ability to share openly what is really going on in their own personal lives.  Second and even more important is the fact that we define who we are by our faults and not our strengths.   Can you imagine how much better life would be if we learned to love others and ourselves regardless of weaknesses and focused more on strengths.  I think we would be better men all around in every way.  Can you imagine how cool it would be if we could be transparent with each other and really share what is going on in our lives.

Unfortunately we live in a society were appearance is more important than transparency.  Shame has more value then positive validation.  We have been programed that perfection is the goal, forcing us to hide behind our walls of supposedly goodness when in reality each person has something they feel shame about and would benefit from sharing in an open, accepting,  and safe place.  

How wonderful life would be if we spent as much time lifting others as we do in shaming.  Looking for the positive and really, really, accepting people on the all the good they have and not the small often unimportant things we  and they live in shame over.

What can one person do to change the world.  Ok, maybe not change the world, but maybe the life of someone who is struggling.   I think by learning to be transparent and openly sharing with others our personal struggles, letting others see that they are not alone in the journey would be a great step in changing our culture.  I also think that spending time really focusing on the strengths of others and taking the time to share what we see and feel would be one of the most powerful tools we use in combating the ever debilitating power of shame.

One person can make a difference,  one person can change the course of another.  We can choose transparency or walls of perfection,  shame or validation of good.   As we choose transparency and validation not only to we change and help and lift others, but in the process we are changed, helped, and lifted.

I am making the conscious effort in my life to be more transparent in all my relationships.  Opening up even at the risk of being shamed.   I am also committed to validate the good in those around me.  Taking the time to really see who they are and what they are about.   Each one of us has issues of shame, but even more important each one of us has so many good things that in the long run out weigh the shame we might feel.

Success to you in your own personal journey discovering the good you are and the good you can give by being transparent and validating to those around you.

Brad