Brad Part 3

Scroll down to read part 1 and 2

In part two, I talked about a friend I met and knew we would be friends at that moment, and I knew we had been friends before we came here.  That was 23 years ago and we are still best friends.  Our friendship has grown in depth and beauty, for over the years and we have come to understand our friendship and have a deep love for each other.

Over the past 23 years I have had amazing opportunities to grow and understand just why I am different from other men.  It has been an interesting adventure to say the least.  I believe in personal revelation and have received many personal revelations as I have pondered and prayed and struggled with my feelings.  Through the process I have learned so much and that is one of the reasons for this blog.  Twenty three years ago it was an issue, but today it is an issue beyond description as the world we now live in is filled with conflict.  We are surrounded daily by Same Gender Attraction issues, from same sex marriage to same gender relationships.  We are surrounded by media that tell us it is normal to feel the way we do and it is ok to act out on those feelings.  And in the process we are made to feel that we are doing something wrong if we do not follow those strong physical attractions. 

In my quest for peace I have learned that only when we follow Christ and his teachings can we really find peace.  His teachings include modern day revelation from living Prophets.  We know when our personal revelations are right on when they are in accord with what we have been taught.   If we feel we are receiving revelation and it is contrary to the commandments of God, perhaps we are not where we need to be spiritually.  

I have received much personal revelation on this topic and I always search to make sure it is in line with what we have and are being taught.  As I look for answers I receive special feelings that validate what I have been learning.  

One of the most profound teachings I have learned is about who we were before we came here, and as I have pondered that and the Proclamation to the Family I have learned things that help me understand who I am and why I struggle with the things I struggle with.  One thing for sure is that we each are on a personal journey and the journey is unique and different for each one of us.  As we strive to live the commandments we can and will receive personal revelation in the time we need it and when it will do us the most good.  Sometimes we struggle for years trying to understand and then all of a sudden we know why we have struggled and it all makes sense.  This typically happens when we have been obedient and faithful to what we know to be true.  If we stray too far off the path the ability to receive personal revelation in regards to our trials is greatly diminished.  It is when we are trying our best that the windows of heaven open up and pour wisdom into our souls and we begin to understand what we have needed to know and why we have our trials. 

Remember the greatest light comes after the trial of our faith.  Sometimes the trial is long and hard, but the reward for being faithful is amazing and the clarity we see at the end is worth the trial of our faith.  

I share with you these feelings to help you understand that a price has to be paid for us to come to an understanding of why we struggle with the things we struggle with.  And as I share with you some of the personal things I have learned I want you to know that it came after much trial and struggling on my part.  It came as we are taught, line upon line, not all at once.  It came to me as I was ready to receive it.  And I want you to know that I have come to understand that our personal trials, if we remain faithful, will turn into blessings for us personally and in an even greater way, blessings for those we come in contact with.  

So now if you will let me I will try to share some very personal revelations I have received over the years as I have struggle with who I am and what is my purpose here.  I think the first thing I remember learning by the spirit in regards to this struggle is that I was different and that it was ok.  The spirit taught me that I was a sensitive man and that it was a gift from Heavenly Father to be a sensitive man and that if I nurtured this gift it would and could be a great blessing to me in my life.  The spirit taught me that sensitive men have a great capacity to feel spiritual things and as I learned more I would indeed be able to feel things stronger than other men.  That is not to say that all men cannot enjoy spiritual things; it is to say that some men are blessed with a greater ability.  Remember there are many gifts of the spirit.  I have learned and found it to be true that most men that struggle with SGA are sensitive, sweet men and these men have a tremendous ability to feel spiritual things if it is nurtured in the right way.  That leads me to the next powerful revelation the spirit taught me.

As a young man I wondered and struggled with the feelings that I would have for other men.  I would meet certain men and be overwhelmed with love for them.  There were times when I was actually brought to tears.   I remember one day I was in a store doing some shopping.  A man walked up to me and I felt instantly that he wanted to kill me.  It was scary, as I knew that he hated me with all his heart.  He followed me throughout the store pounding his fist and staring at me.  I was terrified.  I left only to find him backed up against my car blocking me in and still pounding his fist.  He left and I have to tell you I did not go home.  I drove around for a couple of hours to make sure he did not find me.  It was scary and the only way to describe what happened is that man was evil and sensed my spirit and it offended his.  His spirit scared me to death.  

Now in contrast to that experience, a few days later I met my best friend.  When I saw him I wept for joy and was filled with love and excitement in seeing him.  These experiences back to back taught me a powerful lesson.  Our spirits can communicate.  On one hand it was fear and I was terrified; on the other hand it was one of the sweetest experiences of my life. 

We know through modern revelation that we were spirit children of our Heavenly Father and that we lived together for a long time as we prepared to come here.  I cannot help but think of the close relationships we developed there.  I believe we don't have the ability yet to understand all that we experienced before we came here.  Over the years the spirit has taught me that when I have those special experiences it is nothing more than recognizing someone I knew before I came here.   My spirit feels and remembers the relationship from before we came here.  I believe that is part of the gift of being sensitive to spiritual things, feeling things so deeply.  There is no doubt in my mind that our spirits feel and understand things our mortal mind does not understand always.  But as we pray and ponder, meaning and understanding can and will come.  For me it was like a light came on.  I understood completely that I was not a gay man, but that I was reconnecting with men who had meant a great deal to me before we came here.  In each case over the years where I have felt that strong connection and acted appropriately, I have developed a deep and lasting relationship that has brought me joy and happiness.  

In the process I have discovered that one of the greatest gifts or relationships that a man can have is an appropriate relationship with another man.  We deny ourselves these fulfilling relationships out of fear and misunderstanding of what a same gender relationship can really be.  As we look to the scriptures we find many examples of men who loved other men.   We can find great examples of this in today's world. 

The last thing I want to share in this post is about Increase.  I always thought that increase was all about family.  That is an important part of increase, but it is not just for family.  Increase applies to all things spiritual.  Relationships that are spiritually based have eternal increase.  All relationships in this life that are spiritually based and are developed through the laws of God will experience eternal increase.  How does this apply to SGA?  Simple – when we meet another man we basically have a choice.  We can choose the world’s way, in other words we can choose a physical relationship that is based on the natural man and submitting to the moment, or we can choose God’s way, which is spiritual based, meaning even if we have strong physical feelings towards another man we set that aside and build the relationship on spiritual principles, meaning we keep all of the commandments.  As we choose the spiritual path those relationships will continue here in love and have eternal increase, meaning that what was once started before we came here will increase in beauty and depth and will have eternal increase.  That love will go on forever and ever. 

Can you imagine the joy we will have after this life as we see who we once were and how we were connected and that we chose to build a spiritual relationship here?  Can you imagine the sorrow of finding out how much you loved someone before you came here and you traded it for what the world sold as normal?  I have pondered this often and for me I desire relationships that will continue in love and depth forever.  I want eternal increase in my sweet relationships that I have reconnected with here already and will in the future.  

I love my wife and family and look forward to eternal increase with them, but I also love my men friends and am equally looking forward to eternal increase in those relationships as well.  

If you have any questions or comments please feel free to make them.

Jeff Part 2

"What Went Wrong?"

I remember feeling attracted to boys and spending time thinking about them in a sexual context for as long as I have been conscious of my existence.  Some of these memories date back to age two or three.  While the intensity of the attractions has ebbed and flowed over the years, it has always been there.

When I told my parents in my early twenties that I experienced same-gender attraction, they were compassionate and loving, but very sorrowful.  They blamed themselves for various reasons; I adamantly denied that either of them had anything to do with it.

I think we have a tendency when we face a trial as daunting as same gender attraction to ask "what went wrong?"  Looking back over the last thirty years or so, it is possible for me to identify a few possible culprits.

The Nonathletic Boy

As a young boy, I struggled to find a place where I fit in with the crowd.  My dad was good at sports, but was too busy with work to teach me properly.  This, coupled with my overall lack of coordination and small stature, led to a poor athletic ability on my part.  Lack of ability in turn led to a general dislike for physical activities, which alienated me from the other boys who generally enjoyed sports, even if they weren't talented.  Alienation led to longing and later to attraction.

That's one theory.

The Doctor

When I was young, I often found myself at the doctor's office due to a minor medical condition that affected me over the course of several years.  As part of my visits, I was subjected to various examinations and tests, including physical examination of my body.  I remember enjoying the sensation of being touched on my private parts by the doctor. At the age of five or six, I took an extended visit to a doctor in a neighboring state.  I was anxious about the visit but secretly looked forward to being fondled by the doctor.  

I have no reason to believe that I was touched inappropriately - even though I was young, my memory is relatively clear.  Based on what I know now about ethics in medicine, I believe my doctors were competent and performed all examinations according to applicable standards.  Also, one or both of my parents were usually in the room for the tests.  Nevertheless, the sensations I experienced during these visits stuck with me and resulted in fantasies and dreams for years afterward.  Did this later cause me to experience same-gender attraction as an adult?

The Overly Chaste RM

In junior high and into high school, I had crushes on the cute girls and did what I could to get close to them.  I developed relationships with a few of these girls which were bordering on if not outright romantic.  Though sex was far from my mind, I felt the desire to kiss them, cuddle them, and hold their hands, and in some cases I did.  There were even two or three girls that might fall under the definition of "girlfriend."  But I was a good Mormon boy preparing for a mission, and I knew that romance was distracting to a missionary, so I avoided letting any relationship become too serious.

By the end of my mission, I had lived 19 years with very little experience with romance or physical relationships with girls, and another two years with none whatsoever.  My lack of experience led to lack of confidence, which might have increased the confusion I felt and led to strong, ingrained attractions to other men, especially in light of the time I had spent in close proximity to attractive guys.

The Indulgent Teenager

Yet another idea dates back to my high schools days when I was just beginning to recognize that the attractions I felt might be described as "gay."  When I made that realization, I was afraid.  So much of what it meant to be gay was repulsive to me.  But after the initial shock sank in, I had a decade or so to mull it over and get used to the idea.  By the time I was in my late 20s, almost nothing shocked me and I was actually quite attracted to almost all aspects of the gay lifestyle, even those aspects that had disgusted me before.  So even if the initial spark of same-gender attraction came from nature, did I "nurture" these feelings through my thoughts and actions, effectively choosing to allow them to take hold within me through long-term exposure, rather than turning from the idea in the beginning and staying away from influences that might exacerbate my feelings?

The Reality

All of these theories have some basis in reality, and it might be tempting to "blame" my homosexuality on these events or circumstances.  However, I find that spending too much time analyzing the past is counterproductive.  The fact is that I am standing here today having lived a significant portion of my life worrying about, dealing with, or accepting same-gender attraction as a reality.  It has impacted every day of my life, sometimes causing pain and grief, others leading to peace and happiness.  

What is important now is not only for me to learn from any mistakes I have made along the way, but to live my life today in such a way that the path I have taken to get here will have been worth the effort.

In my next post, I will focus on today and how I am striving to live the life that will bring me the greatest joy.

Jimmy Part 2

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We are moving, We are moving, WE ARE MOVING!!!!!  Yippie!!! I thought.

Unfortunately, one of my saving Graces was Jennie.  She was my private piano and voice teacher.  You see I had won a music writing contest when I was in 3^rd grade and she had her eye on me from that day forward.  I also had a very high mature soprano sounding boy’s voice.  Prior to my leaving I had given a recital and 50 people from the town were in attendance.  Fifty, that was double the number of people in my class at school.  I had won multiple contests and was invited to sing with the local college for the Messiah the previous two years.  A gentleman in town, a school teacher, travelled to the next town over to perform and he offered me a ride.  He as a very distinguished man.  I went into his house for the first time and laying almost everywhere was pornography.  I was red faced and stunned.  I avoided looking at it, but later felt dirty just because I had seen it.  It disgusted me how it portrayed women and made me sick to my stomach just thinking about the images I saw.  I was so embarrassed I refused to tell anyone about it.  

I want to back track a bit.  While my voice was my greatest asset and brought me such joy, it also was one of my greatest downfalls as well.  My voice didn’t start changing until almost the end of my 17^th year.  This posed a bit of a problem when it came to the locker room during track.  I was short very chubby, so fat and chubby that I had boobs and a very small package.  There was a kid in our town who matured rather early and unbeknownst to me was being molested by his uncle.  We were both very overly embarrassed about how different our bodies looked compared to all the other boys.  He being well developed and I being under developed.  He was the first to get the attention and I could tell he was not too thrilled.  He pointed to me and said look he has got boobs.  Another kid said I can’t see his penis, we have a girl in the locker room.  They proceeded to carry me naked into the Gym and hold the door shut so that I couldn’t get in.  That was the last time I dressed out for anything until I reached High School.  The taunting got worse in High School because PE wasn’t limited to freshmen.  I knew I was a freak and this only made the humiliation worse.

You can imagine my relief when my father announced that we were moving.  Yeah, I would do anything to get away from this place.  Even if it meant I would give up my private music lessons with Jennie.  My fear of the guys was imbedded in me and I was terrified of locker rooms.  Well, when I got to the valley the freshmen were still in Junior High and so Sports wasn’t that bad.  There were guys who looked more like me and I eventually got used to dressing out.  

Voice lessons started again and I wasn’t the only high soprano boy in the choir.  In fact most of the kids my age really gave me props for my pipes and it was refreshing and affirming.  Then the summer hit.  My dad didn’t think it was good for me to sit home all day so he sent me out looking for work.  No one hired kids my age and when they read got my application they could not believe that I had the experience that I did working for my dad.  They all thought I was lying so I couldn’t get a job in the city. 

My Brother in Law had a clothing business up north, so I was shipped to the mountains to work in his business.  I spent more time fixing his yard and tending kids than working in his shop.  While watching his kids, I watched television and they had ALL the cable channels.  I was so hung up on my looks, that I wanted to know what a real man looked like.  For some reason this channel didn’t show the guys.  The rush of possibly getting caught and the wound that I was trying to fill was getting bigger and bigger.  Satan had his hooks in me and my life was forever changed.  I was still sickened by what I saw, yet it was all I could do to not look.  I was a goner.

From that point on I never felt the same.  I was always sick to my stomach.  Even though it was straight porn that I had watched, when I closed my eyes, I didn’t see women.  My dreams became dark and scary and full of fear.  I was always running from some unknown predator.  My innocence was lost.

After 6 months I had worked up enough courage to talk to my bishop.  He was a very kind yet naïve man.  He didn’t seemed upset, but counseled me to read my scriptures and say my prayers.  I was like “you are kidding right”.  I need help.  I was too frightened to tell him that my dreams and thoughts were preoccupied with men and boys.  Everyone was filling out and I was still the same.  A couple of weeks later, my parents took my nephew and I to a meeting where some men were talking about an opportunity to go and pick pineapples in Hawaii.  I went reluctantly.   By the end of the presentation I was begging my parents to let me go.  I signed up to leave two weeks later for a seven month stint.  

Hawaii was amazing.  I loved every minute of it.  I had the option of going to one of two camps and I chose the one with private showers.  Yeah that wound was deep.  

I and eight others arrived five hours earlier than the others.  So we got a special tour of the island then went to camp.  Our trunks and bedrolls came later.  So we had fun exploring the camp and had found our bunks which already had our names on them.  Mine was in the far corner behind a dresser, almost the perfect place.  The guy bunking above me was Dale and he was a quarterback at his High School.  He was dreamy.  Then it came time to pick up the others.  When they arrived it was like the seniors from my old high school were back.  One of the guys had the filthiest mouth, he was built like a tank and was cockier than anyone I had known.  His name was Bill and when he looked at me as I was clinging to the arm of my seat and he smirked.  I had seen that look before and I was in for some trouble. What had I done?  I was scared speechless.  

I lugged my stuff to my bed which seemed much further than I had expected.  Bill carried both his trunk and his bed roll on each shoulder.  When I got to my bed, Bill was laying in it and had half unpacked his stuff.  I was about to cry. 

 I said, “excuse me, but this is my bed”.

He said, “How do you know”

“It has my name on it.”

He ripped off the label with my name and snarled, “Not anymore, go find another place to sleep!?”

I was frozen in place.  Tears were wellling up and I couldn’t speak.  I didn’t even know his name at that time, and I had no idea what to do.  It was then that the first of five guys that I would call prince charming came to my rescue.

Dale hopped off the top bunk and told this guy to get lost.  He explained they started yelling and were about to duke it out.  I couldn’t believe it.  This total stranger was gonna fight for my honor.  Then Bill poked me in the chest and pointed at dale growling, “You and you are dead men!”.  He hauled his trunk away and though relieved the overwhelming feeling was love.  

Dale took me under his wing and we were best buds from then on.  Two months later Bill was sent home for running the plantation owners cows over a cliff.  And I no longer had to deal with him.  By that time I had lost 90 lbs and was buffing up myself.  My voice was still high, but things were changing.  I was in the in crowd and guys were treating me with respect.  Six months later my voice was changing, and I was becoming a man among men.  

A couple of guys in our group, we called it a gang, would run off together and no one could find them.  One of those guys one day walked up to me and offered to let me do stuff to him of a sexual nature.  In the light of day, that was all in good fun.  Then one night he came over and sat on my lap as I lay in bed and he started talking dirty.  It took all I could to prevent myself from reacting.  I knew what he wanted and it was something that would get us both sent home.  I wasn’t going to go there, but I wanted to go there at the same time.  Lucky for me I didn’t go there.

Looking back my real problem was that I was addicted to porn, and madly in love with Dale.  The seven month stint was drawing to a close and I decided to extend my stay.  I was happy here happier than I had ever been.  Dale was ready to go home and that broke my heart.  I stayed on and went to the other camp.  This was going to be a challenge because they had community showers.  What was I going to do.

I met another guy there named Jeremy.  He and I became fast friends, but it was nothing like my relationship with Dale.  He was a nerd like me and somewhat of an outcast.  We liked similar things and he was a great ally.  My fondness grew for Dale though.  Eventually, the four extra months came to a close and I was done.  After the whole camp took a tour of all the Islands we boarded the plane home.

When we arrived my first Luna (Supervisor) Don met me at the airport in Phoenix to welcome me home.  That was awesome.  He was a very kind man.  When I arrived home about thirty minutes later the doorbell rang and my mom said it was for me.  I half expected a girl was at the door.  Nope, it was DALE.  I ran and gave him the biggest hug.  He was in town working for his brother. 

Every chance I could, he and I hung out.  We were connected at the hip as some might say.  He owned a car and we would double date.  He had graduated High School early so he had an apartment and I would spend the night at his place nearly every day.  One night I tried to put the moves on him “in my sleep”.   He punched me and told me to back off.  I knew that it wasn’t meant to be.  

One day he took me to a rated R movie called Lord of the Rings.  I was very leary of that movie because of the rating.  He assured me that there was no sex in it, and that I needed to see it.  I acquiesced and as I watched it, tears flowed down my eyes.  In Hawaii, He was Ralph, and I was Piggie.  Each character resembled someone in our Gang.  It was so freaky how close that movie represented our experience.  I left shaking it affected me that hard.  

By the time Dale left for his mission my feelings for him had dissipated.  I was headed to college back near my home and I had some demons I needed to face back there.  I was now a man and needed those bullies from my home town to see me as a man.  None of the guys that gave me a hard time went to my college and so my plans to prove myself were a bust.  I spent the whole time there fighting my addiction while studying and becoming more and more depressed.

Eventually, I came home and prepared for a mission.  I did one more semester while confessing my porn addiction to my bishop.  I just knew if I confessed my thoughts were all about men, that I would not be allowed to go on a mission.  My bishop offered minimal help and within 2 months I had completed my papers.  Literally a week later my call was in the mail.  Three weeks later I was going to the temple and a week after that I was in the MTC serving a mission to the Deaf in American Sign Language.

To be continued…..

Kent Part 2

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When I got home from my mission, I had always planned to attend school at Brigham Young University. For some reason I decided to come to school down in Mesa instead and everything fell into place. I moved to Mesa and had a job that I ended up working at for 10 years where I learned and grew so much.  I also started dating a girl that I knew from school in Snowflake.  

Dating for me has always been so awkward. I never knew exactly how to act.  I was hesitant to say or do anything wrong with girls because they were so special and perfect in my eyes.  I definitely was always slow to make any moves and when I finally did, I just felt like anything I did was wrong.  I loved hugging kissing and holding hands with girls but it never felt like I wanted or had envisioned it would be like.  During this time I really came to love this girl but could never be completely open and honest with everything in my life. I don’t even know that I truly understood everything going on in my head.  Then she felt like she needed to go on a mission.  This was truly heartbreaking to me because I cared for her so much even though I felt completely awkward around her in a physical sense.  

When she left, I tried dating more and got to know one girl a bit.  Nothing near as serious but all I knew was that I was home from my mission and I needed (replace needed with felt pressure?) to get married.  I had no clue how to act around girls. It felt very awkward.  I was trying to make friends with guys at this time but even that was hard because they were busy from dating.  Luckily I had a great job that kept me busy.  I worked 30+ hours a week and took around 14 credit hours at school.  Needless to say, I didn’t have too much time for a social life but that was ok for me.  I was more interested in completing my education and getting into a career.

When the girl that left on a mission came home, we dated again and I pretty much planned on marrying her.  We dated for a month then both of us came to the conclusion that we weren’t right for each other.  I think we had just gone to different spiritual planes.  I think she progressed on her mission and I digressed.  After she left on her mission I found pornography.  At first I viewed it from curiosity.  I wanted to see how I compared to other guys.  In time though, it just eased the pain and helped me not have to deal with life.  I would indulge for a time and then feel really guilty and clear up for long periods of time.  I would be on this yo-yo of abstinence and then looking again.  I kept coming back then stopping because it gave me bad feelings.  I just felt so dirty but I used it to fulfill my unmet needs or so I thought.  

I started to think that if I just ignore the fact that I was attracted to guys, it would go away.  I suppressed any desire I had for guys and tried to ignore it.  I could be strong for a while but then it kept coming back stronger and I decided to never let anyone know.  I finally told some bishops that I was attracted to guys but they said to just continue dating girls and the attractions would change.  I tried and tried to date but the attractions never left.  The porn addiction also solidified my attractions to guys because that is all I would ever look at.  

I graduated from college and bought my own house.  I got a couple of roommates.  Some I got along really well with and others we got along but we didn’t have much in common.  In my new ward I met a guy who I got along with really well.  I had known him a year or so and we had started doing everything together.  At the beginning I was just trying to earn his attention.  I was never physically attracted to him but I was craving a friend and he seemed like a great friend. We helped each other out a lot with tough things we went through during our friendship.  

After knowing him for a couple years, I had an opening in my house for a roommate and he needed to move from his parents house.  It took a long time but I finally convinced him to move in.  We were basically inseparable.  Everyone knew that we were usually hanging out together.  There was a time that we even worked together.  We would wake up, go into the office work and then come home and do social stuff in the evenings.  We were great at getting people together for activities and I started to feel like I had something I never had before in my life.  I had a friend that liked me just as much as I liked him.  The greatest part was there was no attraction physically, just a good buddy.  Something I always wanted in my life.  

The next part will explain when I finally told the first person besides my bishop that I was attracted to guys and the hope and healing that I got from that.

Brad Part 2

    Scroll down to read  Brad Part 1


     After serving a mission for the LDS church I began working in the Food and Beverage industry again.  I have to say my mission was great and the friendships developed there have increased in depth and love.   On my mission I learned just how wonderful companionship with other men could be.  I had really only experienced one friend before my mission and that happened about a year before I left.  So my experience with building friends was really limited.  On my mission  I experienced just how wonderful companionships with other men could be.  It was great having a companion and growing together spiritually, spending time together, and serving.  Those friendships have grown and I am grateful for that experience in my life.  It would prove to be a life changing experience for me in my view of healthy male relationships.

    The Food and Beverage industry is filled with gay men and I was surrounded by gay men all the time.  And they all thought I was gay.  I really enjoyed my friendships with them and was frequently thought of as being gay.  As I mentioned before I was feminine in my mannerisms and I don't blame them for thinking I was gay.  Although I was constanlty confronted with that issue I felt no sexual attraction to them.  I wondered about this often and I easily developed great friendships with many, but I still lived in confusion.  Everyone on the outside said I was gay, but inside I was confused.  Especially when I would meet certian men and feel a strong attraction to them,  sometimes overwhelmingly so.

     My gay friends totally respected my standards and so we enjoyed great times together.  As I look back I can totally see why everyone assumed I was gay.  My dearest friend Michael and I were very close.  We would go shopping together and buy matching clothes, wearing them when we went out.  We were very close and had a deep love for each other.  He defended me often as others would tell crud jokes or stories.  He would make them stop until I left the room.  He was a wonderful friend in so many ways.   Once he knew I had no intentions of a phyical relationship with him, he defended my honor many many times and never pushed the issue.  I explained to him how I desired loving friendships with men and nothing more. The confusion  I felt was how comfortable I was with men that dealt with Same Sex Attraction.  It seemed I was drawn to these tender sweet men.  The thing I enjoyed about my friendships with them was how comfortable they were with showing affection.   I had come to understand that I needed that strong bond with other men in my life.  And in the process I learned that it did not need to be sexual.

      About this time I meet my wife.   I have to say she was a little taken back when she would see me in matching cloths with Michael.  But she loved him and enjoyed his company and she totally accepted me as a flamboyant sensitive man.

     It amazes me how when we have struggles and stay focused on what we know is right and seek the guidence of the Spirit of the Lord how we can be taught.  This is what happened to me over the next few years.  I married my wife and she has been a great blessing to me.  She totally excepts my unique ways and is an amazing woman in every way.

    We started a family and I cannot express the joy at being a father.  Seeing those babies for the first time was one of the most amazing experience in my life.  Holding them and understanding that in partnership with God we created these little spirits.  And with that came the resolution that I would love them and teach them.

     Still working in the food and beverage industry would find me faced with the challenges of being a different man acccording to the standards of the world.  It brought confusion to me and I struggled with why I was attracted to men so strongly.   I remember meeting a man at a bridle convention.  It was love at first sight.  I knew we were going to be best friends.  Please understand that there was no sexual feelings, just a strong feeling of closeness to him.  I felt as though I had know him forever.  the moment I meet him it felt like our friendship picked up from already  knowing him and it continued to grow.  I had no clue and did not even care if he was gay or not,  I just knew I loved him.   We were close friends for a long time.  A funny thing did happen one day.  We were in the elevator going down 24 floors.  As I said we had grown close as friends.  What happened next totally suprised me, my friend leaned in to kiss me.  He saw the look of shock on my face and hugged me instead.   I was totally surprised and hugged him back and went up to my office and sat on the floor dumbfounded at what had just happened.  The next day we went to lunch and I explained to him how much I loved him, but I was not gay.   He was wonderful and understood.   What a great man.

     During this time of life my one of my dear friend died of aids.  It was a really hard experience for me.   I loved him and pondered our lives side-by-side.    Our parents could have been twins.  We were raised the same, abused emotional, made fun of, and often ridiculed for our feminine behavior.   I learned the difference between him and me was the choices we made.  At the same age, around 18 years old,  we made different choices.   I choose to follow the teachings of Christ.  He chose to follow the natural man.  I learned that such choices are often predicated on life experience.  I don't judge him for his choices, but I was taught that because of my choices I had a family and " spiritual increase".   He was gone, his life ended early  likely because of the choices he made.

     During this hard time I moved into a new area.  I had prayed for a friend.  A male friend, a buddy, someone to hang out with.  I have always had a need for male companionship.  I will never forget the day I meet this new friend.  I saw him and the moment I set eyes on him I sat down and wept for joy.  I knew him and I knew we were going to be  best friends forever.   I saw him several times and could not contain my joy.  One day his wife was walking in the neighborhood and stopped by.  I broke down and cried in front of her as I told her how much I loved her husband.

       The spirit told me we were friend before we came here.   After a few days I could not stand it any longer.  I went over and I had to grasp my hands behind my back the urge to hug him was so strong.  I  left knowing that we were going to be friends.  That was 23 years ago and we are still best friends and will be forever.  Our friendship picked up where I believe it left off before we came here.  We instantly knew each other and instantly our friendship formed with out any work or effort.  We understood each other and loved each other from that very first meeting.

In my next blog post, part 3,  I will continue my story and explain more about "Increase".   Thank you for reading and please feel free to comment below.  

Jeff Part 1

Hi, I’m Jeff and I’m excited to be a part of this blog.  Many people have strong and varying opinions on gender roles, homosexuality, marriage, and family values.  Hopefully some of the thoughts I share will help you understand a perspective that may be different from your own. 

For as long as I can remember, I have been emotionally, spiritually, physically, and sexually attracted to guys.

In elementary school, that attraction caused me to seek to be around other boys, but at the same time I felt much more comfortable around girls. I enjoyed the types of things girls did (playing house, making crafts) more than I enjoyed the activities that boys occupy themselves with (sports, camping). At first I had both boy and girl friends but over time I started to spend more and more time with girls. Eventually, I became uncomfortable around boys and felt alienated from them.

By the time I reached high school, almost all of my close friends were girls. At the same time, the sexual aspect of my same gender attraction started to intensify.

Being raised in a faithful Mormon family, I naturally wanted to resist the temptation to act on these attractions. I wanted to serve a mission and get married in the temple and do all the things that I had been taught were good and right.  I tried to obey the commandments and to keep the spirit in my life.  In general, I succeeded, despite the very real and difficult trials I faced. I battled to resist the temptation not only to commit what I had been taught was sinful, but also to succumb to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.

I served a mission and emerged from that experience strengthened in my resolve to obey the commandments as I had been taught. My testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ was solidified, including my belief that God's plan for us included sealing of husband and wife for eternity.  I knew in my heart that I was going to be a husband and father and that my family would continue into the next life. This deeply personal belief is central to all the choices I have made since then.

Perhaps the hardest years of my life were those that followed my mission. I attended BYU while working part time at the Missionary Training Center.  My spiritual health was never stronger, but with my hormones in full gear, my desire to be with a man also grew more intense. 

I don't recall ever believing that the attraction to men would ever go away, or necessarily wanting it to. But I did hope and pray that I would develop an attraction to women, or at least to a woman. Unfortunately, my prayers seemed to be in vain as one after another, my relationships with women failed to blossom into the type of love that could sustain a lifelong commitment.

In the years after I graduated and moved out into the real world, I lost hope. I thought that perhaps the blessings I sought might not be in my future. From time to time, I gave up on those dreams and began to look elsewhere. However, no matter where I went or what I did, I always returned to the belief that anchored me - I knew that God had a plan for me.

To make a long story short, one day I met a girl who was different from all the others I had dated previously. Everything clicked and the relationship progressed easily, even effortlessly. I was emotionally, mentally, and spiritually attracted to her. The physical attraction was not so simple - although I thought she was beautiful from the beginning, it took time to get used to the idea of intimacy.

Eventually, I came to know that she was the person I wanted to spend my life with. I shared with her my experience with same gender attraction. She was very understanding and, to my surprise, was completely willing to enter into this adventure of life with me.

Now we have a young son and a daughter on the way. Although our marriage has its trials (as any marriage does), I have never been happier in my life. I can't imagine a better existence than the one I wake up to every morning.

One of the most important lessons I have learned is that obedience brings blessings. If we will follow the guidance that God has imparted to us through prophets, scripture, and personal revelation, we will be happy – not because God will punish us if we don’t, but because God knows what will make us happiest in the end.

Looking back, if I had always chosen what I wanted at the time, or even what I thought I would want later, I may never have chosen what I did.  But God knows the end from the beginning, and if we trust him, we will eventually come to understand why he was leading us in another direction.

I am reminded of this story told by President Gordon B. Hinckley:

Long ago I worked for one of our railroads whose tracks threaded the passes through these western mountains. I frequently rode the trains. It was in the days when there were steam locomotives. Those great monsters of the rails were huge and fast and dangerous. I often wondered how the engineer dared the long journey through the night. Then I came to realize that it was not one long journey, but rather a constant continuation of a short journey. The engine had a powerful headlight that made bright the way for a distance of 400 or 500 yards. The engineer saw only that distance, and that was enough, because it was constantly before him all through the night into the dawn of the new day. . .

And so it is with our eternal journey. We take one step at a time. In doing so we reach toward the unknown, but faith lights the way. If we will cultivate that faith, we shall never walk in darkness. (2002 April General Conference, We Walk by Faith, Gordon B. Hinckley)

If there is anything you would like to hear about in my next post, let me know in the comments below. 

Jimmy Part 1

Hello,  My name is Jimmy,  this is my first post for this blog.  I am thrilled to be part of this blog and to share my message here.  My reason for sharing is to hopefully help the reader find hope, healing, inspiration, and courage in what we are sharing.  Enjoy the journey and feel free to share with others. 

“Hey, Jimmy”,

Oh no, who from my miserable childhood knows me?  I cringed as I turned and met the smile of a fellow nerd Drake (name changed).  He and I had spent a year together in a Pickler ward (name Changed) back when we were in Jr. High.  He moved out of State. I moved to a very loving Plum Park ward (name Changed), it was one that helped to save my life.  Prior to living in that Ward, I spent The previous 8 years in a small rural town of Arizona.  Everyone in that town called me Jimmy and when I left I vowed to not be called Jimmy.  I despised that name.  Now, here I was Coming out of an ARP Meeting and even worse to my estimation a PASG Meeting.  ARP is short for Addiction Recovery Program, and PASG is for guys addicted to porn.   In order for you to grasp my terror, You gotta understand why I despised the name Jimmy.  For that, you need to know my story. 

Disclaimer:

My Story has changed over the years, and not because the facts have changed, but because over time my perception of those facts have changed.  So as I share this story, facts (reality) and fiction (the story I told myself) became blurred.  So for those who know me,  the details of this story are not meant to create wreckage, There has been enough of that in my life.  This is not a gripe or a blame piece, nor is it an exposé. I will change the name of folks and try to be as general as I can to prevent future harm.  I will also leave out the most of the graphic details because perception is not reality, yet when the two mix heartache can follow.  I ask your forgiveness in advance if any of this causes you the reader harm.  I pray instead that my story will bring you hope and healing and inspire you with the courage to be compassionate both with yourself and others.  (Note all names have been changed.)

I was born with a digestive disorder that made me projectile puke everything I ate for the first two weeks of my life.  Two things came of this, the Doctor recommended goats milk, so all my siblings took a turn at milking goats every morning until I was 8 years old.  Something I never had to do.  Now, I don’t remember them complaining about it, but I am sure that it wasn’t the most fun thing to do in the bitter cold mornings, and I was held face out away from everyone for most of my infancy.  This might be one of the reasons why I had an aversion to touch for most of my adult life up until now.

At 4 years old while my siblings were playing a game on the hill next to our house, I got in the way and my sister fell on me and I fell on a barrel cactus.  As horrible and vivid as that memory was, it pales in comparison to the memory I have of a conversation between one of my brother’s best friend and I.  Between our house and that hill lived the Black family, and when I went to get my brother Justin for dinner, Barney told me to go away.  I persisted and he became upset and told me that I wasn’t Justin’s real brother.  “you were adopted”.  I went home asking my mother what adopted meant.  She answered and then punished my brother for telling me that.  My story had just changed for good.  From then on the suspicion started.  I began to wonder and found evidence all over the place that this might be true.  I have 3 brothers and 5 sisters all older than me.  My oldest Nephew was a year younger than me and the next older brother was 5 years older than me, so why not.  So I started calling my mom and dad, Grandma and Grandpa.  The funny thing is when I spoke frankly with them about this as an adult and after I finally saw my birth certificate, they said, “We always thought that was odd, but didn’t want to hurt your feelings.  You were a very sensitive kid.”

At that same time I met my first friend… we were best friends.  His name was Cloyd.  He taught me football the way 4-5 year olds would.  And yet he moved right after this time.  That hurt more than anything.  Then soon after my Father’s Mother died.  I cried because in both case, I didn’t get to say goodbye. 

My dad was a loving man, but busy running the local grocery store and teaching school and coaching sports. I remember him lovingly wrapping my blistered hands with gauze the day that I decided to pick up the Harley Davidson Motorcycle that was driven by a boy that had come to visit one afternoon.  My family called him “Bonehead” because that was what everyone called him.  I think that was his nickname.  I also remember my dad treating my foot after I stepped on a nail by the church after primary one Wednesday afternoon.  Each time I got seriously hurt my dad was there giving me a blessing and fixing my hurt.  This was the dad I cried for when he died a few years ago of cancer, who I still grieve for as I write this now.

Things changed when I started school.  I didn’t want to become too attached to anyone.  My grades were good until I got to 2^nd Grade.  There we had a man for a teacher.  He threw temper tantrums and made threats that scared me.  I started to believe that men were mean and bad.  I didn’t like him and became very suspicious of all men, including my dad.  That same year we moved and got to ride the bus.  My next door neighbor had a mental disability and was bigger than me.  One day she took me by surprise from behind and almost choked me to death with a scarf and beat me repeatedly in the face.  It went on forever, and the man who drove the bus stood by and watched.  He punished me for not fighting back.  He thought it was his duty to make me a man I guess. 

This was only the beginning of a series of fights and trouble brought on by kids bullying me.  My father owned a grocery store in the town.  And the local mine went on strike.  So folks were coming to my father asking for assistance.  One day, a kid my age and his mother came in asking for credit for groceries.  My father turned them away because her husband had put $400 of credit on some fancy tires he didn’t need the month before.  Although healthy for the pocketbook, his was not healthy for my social status.  To the strikers, I was a “scab”.  Which meant I had a target on my back.  I came home each day exhausted from running every recess.  My father saw this as being lazy so he made me walk/run around the field between our house and the river 2 or 3 times per day. 

Eventually, the bullying got so bad that by High School, I believed that my dad saw how bad it was getting and wanted to get me to a safer environment.  So we moved to the Valley of the Sun.  Things got much easier then.  I had a new start, but the scars were already there. 

(Stay tuned for more)